Forward Rebels

Raven's LB Gets Shovey with the Police; Ray Lewis is Not Impressed

2009-08-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

But lately your mane's gone white
You itch in your veins in the night
Before you "came home alright"
You wielded the lightning rod

-- Jason Isbell, Soldiers Get Strange

The first time we met Tony Fein was the during the Spring practices leading up to the '07 season. We were passing through the halls in the IPF and Parrish Alford or someone asked this guy a question and his response made our heads turn.

We didn't know him at the time, but when we later found out that he was a good 2 or 3 years older than everyone else on the team, and that he was a veteran of the Iraq war, it made sense that he spoke more confidently and maturely than the rest of the team. He was quite literally a man among boys.

And in his maturity, Fein was one of the first players to send up a red flag about Orgeron that season. His was the first bit of protest against the coach, so in that sense, he was truly a leader on that team. By the time John Jerry got around to bitching about Orgeron in the wake of the Georgia game, most sensible fans were realizing that something was amiss with that team.

Anyhow, it's kind of a curveball to find this article on the front page of ESPN about Tony getting into a shoving match with the Baltimore PD. It sounds like he had reason to be upset. Here's hoping Tony clears up any anger issues he may have and that he can find a spot on the Raven's roster this year. Hopefully he can hook up with Ray Lewis's lawyer.

An Open Letter to Ole Miss

2009-08-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

"It's just YOU and ME! Ha Ha!"

Dear Rebels, Collectively,

Listen, I don't know if you guys know this, but we didn't just forget about you, OK? We're not stupid. We don't have alzheimers. Nothing has been forgiven.

So you can stop climbing up on the crows nest and flipping us off already. We're trying to cut you some slack, but you keep taunting us.

So listen, pricks, do you know how a prison guard operates? He doesn't want to seriously injure anyone, but he's forced to demonstrate his authority on occasion. So he billy clubs a little guy in the ribs in the lunch room. Or he domes a stray gang banger with his flashlight. Nothing serious. No emergency room. Just a little love tap. Did you guys like Oz? We did. Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoo...

I just wanted to say hey to you guys, give you a little taste, and to let you know that if we wanted to, we could seriously fuck you up.

All best,

Ralpheus

Eminent Treasurer

The Sports Gods, LLC

Hope for Message Board R-Tards

2009-08-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

Listen up, disheartened Spirit board nimrod. We know its been a long offseason. The hype has been heavy. The heat: unbearable.

You got egg on your face when you pulled a 180 on Hornsby, vocally defended him on the interwebs, then had to turn around and condemn him again when he got kicked off the team. It was tough, but you subsequently kept your mouth shut about Tig. Fool me once, right?

Then there was the anxiety of the car wreck. And even after that, if you've been paying attention, you've had to worry about the straight up outlandish behavior and wardrobe that xxxgr3g has put on display this summer.

Just got done tying my shoe. That's what's up.*

It all makes you long wistfully for a time not long ago, when Ole Miss had at least one mild mannered, gritty, gutty, deceptively fast player. A player with a certain quality that you couldn't quite put your finger on. There was just something about him that made him likable to you. One things for sure: It wasn't because he was white. You've got a black friend. C'mon.

At the very least, you had Bradley Sowell to look forward to this year. But Sowell could never truly be the Great Whi- uh, Gritty Hope for you, because he was highly touted from the beginning, and you don't really know much of his backstory.

But fear not, you subconciously racist dumdum. Rishaw Johnson did something to get himself demoted to second team, and his replacement was none other than this guy:

He's an underdog. He's unattractive. He's a a lighter shade of pale. What's more? Well, try to contain yourself while reading this:

"Coach Markuson calls me the American Dream. I was in JUCO, a totally different level from here, and I didn't know if I would ever get here," says Brandon.

"Now that I am here, I am going to live the dream and give them everything I have. It's a real strain on the body, but I'm hanging in there. I know a million other kids would like to be in my position, so I am not going to waste a snap.

"I grew up without a Dad and I am being molded into a man by Coach Markuson. I am very thankful for him. He does not baby me or anyone and I appreciate that. You want to give everything you have to someone like that. I will come back later in life and tell my kids that Coach Markuson was the person who made me into a man. I do not want to disappoint him or my teammates. I refuse to."

OK seriously you Spirit ritards, it's hard not to like this kid. So you've suckered me into rooting for this year's Great White Hope. He's scheduled to start against Memphis at RG, and may see time at Center if (God forbid) we have some OL injuries. Predictably, you payboard guys already have at least three threads devoted to this guy. Somewhere inside Mordor / the Ole Miss Media
Relations Department, some lackey is proposing the commercial release of Brandon Green's jersey. Trust us: the madness has only just begun surrounding this guy who, in reality, is the weak link on the weakest aspect of our team.

But for now, we're with you. We like Brandon Green too. Don't make us change our mind, kid.

*(//on a serious note, is it not a little curious that all our stars hang out together? are the role players not cool enough for you guys? D3xt3r? xxxgr3g?)

On Drew Pomeranz

2009-06-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

"Beauty is not the goal of competitive sports, but high-level sports are a prime venue for the expression of human beauty. The relation is roughly that of courage to war.
The human beauty we’re talking about here is beauty of a particular type; it might be called kinetic beauty. Its power and appeal are universal. It has nothing to do with sex or cultural norms. What it seems to have to do with, really, is human beings’ reconciliation with the fact of having a body."

- David Foster Wallace, "Roger Federer as Religious Experience" Play Magazine, Aug. 20, 2006

Oh, hi guys. Sorry for the extended break. Its been a long, busy spring. And also, the editors here were experiencing a little bit of blog burnout.

The thing about web logging, you see, is that you feel the need to say something daily. Which is to say, you want to have your own voice, to say something unique. And that's tough to do when you're talking about something held so dearly by such a wide range of people as Ole Miss athletics.

So it makes no sense that we'd return to our little corner of the internets tonight, June 1, 2009, to heap praise upon Drew Pomeranz. Because we're already late to the party.

We're certain we heard at least three people (Bianco, Shep Smith, Kellum) use the term "legend" when talking about Pom's game tonight. High praise from one, hyperbole from the other two. Kellum flirted with the homo-erotic in his description of the 9th inning.

We haven't checked the serious boards yet, but when NAFOOM looks like it did tonight, you can bet they are bowing to the golden calf on Spirit and Rivals. Our friends at RCR opted for the much more subtle approach in describing Pom's performance tonight, choosing to wax cryptic with their piece titled "Drew Pomeranz just pitched the greatest game in Ole Miss history".

Somewhere, BWAYNE and REBMIK are dancing around a boar's head in loin cloths.

So we're not going to reinvent the wheel here tonight. There is but one storyline worth mentioning when you talk about Ole Miss's 4-1 win over Western Kentucky, and that is the performance of Drew Pomeranz. Baseball's a game of numbers, and Pom's say it all. 9IP, 16 Ks, 2 H, 0 ER.

On 72 hours rest. In a win-or-its-all-over game. To secure a Super at home.

David Foster Wallace describes the almost out of body experience of watching Roger Federer play in very eloquent and beautiful but also practical terms. The ultimate beauty of sport is indeed in our reconciliation with the fact that our spirits are tied to these clumsy, awkward, rotten, forever dying bodies. Some of us are able to make them look graceful.

But some of us are able to make them look graceful in the face of adversity. Far be it from us to try and transcend anything DFW said while he was still on this earth, but instances like tonight prove that sometimes it is about more than simply physics and nature and gravity. We've never been big on words like "guts" or "heart" or "grit" or any of that other crap that keeps unoriginal writers in business. But we are at a loss for how else to describe what Pom did tonight.

I was talkin 'bout you, Pom Pom.

Understand that it is almost inhuman to throw 108 pitches on Friday and then another 115 (we haven't found an exact pitch count) on Monday night. Much less against an offense as explosive as WKU's. Much less in a near no-hit effort.

So we're more than happy to join in the chorus of praise tonight for Bianco and for the Rebs, but especially for Pom. We hope he and the rest of the Rebs get all the partying out of their systems tonight, and are ready for what will undoubtedly be the frattiest Super Regional in the history of baseball and frats next weekend when Virginia rolls into town. May Minerva guide you, young Rebels.

Jamar Hornsby and You, Friend

2009-03-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart / I've got this
thing that I consider my only art (of fucking people over)."

Modest Mouse, 3rd Planet

Oh boy. You guys heard about this. We know you did because we read the boards and the blogs and the papers and we saw that everybody got their digs in on Jamar Hornsby after he got arrested in Starkville recently for suspected involvement in a brawl and petit larceny.

We wanna start by saying that we were against signing this guy in the first place. That thing he did back in Florida with the credit card and the dead friend and whatnot still kinda stinks. And we thought it was buttarded that Ole Miss people wanted to believe that the credit card thing was just a misunderstanding back then, and we hope they feel silly now.

And we want you to know that we aren't above having a laugh at others' expense, either. We laughed just as out-loudily as anybody when the Hogvillians melted down after Ryan Mallett got his Public Intox. We even tested out our internet skillz to mixed results - that we never thought we'd show you.

'Cause of the self-righteous sneer, right? Get it?

But let's get one thing straight, gang: Jamar Hornsby's situation is flat out sad. Here is a human being who just pissed away one of the brightest futures anybody on the planet could hope to have because someone rear ended his car. I'm Ok with everyone getting their laughs in, because this guy really deserves it. He fucked up royally, and assaulted another human in the process. So laugh away, but understand that this kid's once promising future is forever tainted.

Let's not beat around the bush: Jamar Hornsby does not need to be on the Ole Miss football team next year. He was extended a second chance at wealth and prominence and influence, which is two more than most get, and he got in his own way, and now we don't owe him anything. I don't care how good he is. He should not be on our team next year.

But to those of you who are rooting for the DA here, who are hoping he rots away in a Florida penitentiary somewhere (which is highly likely), please understand that Hornsby obviously has a schewed sense of right and wrong. We're talking about a kid who sold all of his family and friend tickets to strangers at marked up prices while at Florida, a clear violation of NCAA rules for which Florida was penalized. But what does that say that he had no one in his life who gave a damn enough to come watch him play football in front of 90,000 fans for the eventual National Champion? Our mothers were there for every second of winter league 1A Parochial High School soccer, standing often in the freezing rain to watch a 0-0 tie in a sport they knew little to nothing about. Christ, we have a sister who erupts in applause every time her newborn makes a poopy.

And the use of a dead friend's credit card, no matter the details, shows a blatant irreverence for life and disconnect from what it is to be a human. This latest transgression in a parking lot in Starkville is only further proof that Hornsby has some serious issues. And the sad part is that if he doesn't know right from wrong by now, he likely never will. What's even more depressing is that probably doesn't even bother him.

So get your giggles in at the Fulmer Cup and all that, gang, but don't fool yourself into believing that this is just some evil asshole who deserves the worst. Evil's a mighty heavy adjective, and it's also rarely accurate. And if you think that you weren't born to trouble as the sparks fly up; Weren't saved by fortune and circumstance and grace, well then, you're just as delusional as Hornsby, brother.

Sin Fanaticos: Third in a Three Part Series

2009-03-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Surely you guys have seen this video. If not, google Micah Ginn. Or put "Are You Ready" into the little box on Youtube, and watch this guy's videos he's put together. I'm fairly certain he was the guy behind the season recap high-light reel that was played before the Egg Bowl. He obviously wins at life.

Anyhow, we mention the video now not as a flame to the RSC guys. Those guys knew they would quintuple (?) our normal Monday traffic with their post about us, and we obviously appreciate that. And we sort of get why some people are turned off by David Huertas. But the mindset bugs us a little, and we're gonna try one last time to flesh that out.

The first time we met David Huertas was at a pre-season photo shoot in November 2006. We had gone in early to get some lighting figured out for a shoot with Todd Abernethy, Bam Doyne and Clay Sanders. When we got in the Tad Pad, the only other soul in the building was Huertas. Doing just what he's doing in that video. Free throws. Three pointers. 18-footers. From the time we got there, until the time we had taken a memory card full of pictures and left. He was doing the same thing every time we went in the Tad Pad (literally) that season, excluding games, obviously. From everything we've heard, he still stays late after practice to work on his shots.

The point is, that video's dialogue probably isn't all that far off from Huertas' work ethic.

But we don't want to get hyperbolic, as our friends tell us we have a tendency to do. We don't want to harp on his work ethic, or the long odds of a kid coming from Puerto Rico to the United States to make it by playing basketball. No, we're not going to cast him in that underdog role. We ask that you refrain from doing the same.

Likewise, refrain from seeing him as the bad teammate. The kid who disrespects his coach. And, rightly or wrongly, yells at his teammates. Disregard the overly dramatic, sometimes borderline queer dives he takes when trying to draw a charge. Forget that he is likely just a Saint of Circumstance, with inflated stats because everyone around him is either terrible or hurt.

At the end of the day, after all, talk is talk and facts are facts.

All we want you to do is to ask yourself, as an Ole Miss fan, why you wouldn't be all for the guy who leads the team in points and assists.

We realize that the Spirit message board mindset is a rose-colored-glasses fantasy land that is easily made fun of. "All our kids are choir boys, all their kids are thugs." We're not asking you to adopt that 'blindly love all things Ole Miss' attitude.

But we do ask you to question why its all of a sudden popular to hate on the best player on your favorite team. Sometimes people fall into these cycles of having to adopt a contrarian point of view to like, prove their fanhood or something similar to that. To prove to people that they're paying close attention, because dammit, they are a serious fan.

Well, not to get too Lietchesque or anything, but sometimes it should just be enough that a player is excellent at his sport and also he plays for your team. Ergo, you are his fan. Its simpler that way. Its more natural. Its not dumb or Spirit boardish. Its just being a fan who enjoys seeing his or her team do well.

We agree with Juco All-American over at the Cup that by this time next year, no one will remember all the David hate, because at that point :knock on wood: we should be heading for the home stretch of one of, if not the best seasons in Ole Miss basketball history. We hope that everyone is on the same page by that point, and in the mean time, we accept this mea culpa* we received via email from everyone's favorite bloggers.

*we kid because we love

Quit Making Us Defend David Huertas, People

2009-02-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

Let's go ahead and state the self-evident: the RedSoloCup > Forward Rebels. That blog is well thought out, its funny, its sharp and timely and you can tell the guys who maintain it take pride in what they do. They don't take days off like we're prone to do. AND they've always been nice enough when Forward Rebels has had internet/techish questions. AND they write about Ole Miss sports, which is obviously our interest, and thus we check in on them daily. We're fans of those guys, and almost always agree with them.

Except when, in a probably flippant little moment of inter-Cup division, one of them takes a lengthy swipe at Dahveed. Which truly wouldn't be that big a deal except that a large amount of people actually believe this shit. Since we like to pretend that we're above wading into message boards and correcting every idiot we disagree with (and the Huertas Haters are legion, believe us), we're glad that Cup author The One That Got Away teed one up for us. If you call out a blogger, he's at least got the means to defend himself, if need be. Anyhoo, let's get all FJMish up in here by dissecting this argument. The usually on-point tOTGA's thoughts are in bold:

I am going to politely disagree with Ghost and say he [sic] Huertas is overrated and inconsistent. I don't like Dahveed and if you have ever sat around me at a basketball game it should not come as a surprise.

Fair enough. He doesn't like David Huertas and has been vocal about it at basketball games, while presumably cheering for all Rebels not named David Huertas. And how would you like to substantiate your dislike? Maybe pointing to a huge loss that Huertas caused?

Yesterday was a perfect example of Huertas and how he hurts the team.

Oh. You went that way with it. See this piece was written on Sunday, meaning "yesterday" was Saturday, the day Huertas dropped 17 on Georgia in a convincing 69-47 home win to pull us to .500 in conference. OK, OK. I'm still listening, I guess. Continue.

Kennedy decided to take Dahveed out early because Huertas was throwing up retarded shots. The one that did him in was a drive to the basket when he was triple teamed and threw up a circus shot that hit nothing but backboard.

Hmmm. The coach took out a shooting guard because he started off cold. I guess that reflects poorly on the shooting guard. Like he's trying to do too much on offense. Why would a shooting guard, and the team's most tenured player, think he needs to do that much? Doesn't make sense. Now, you may look at it logically and say: "Dahveed is the SEC's 4th leading scorer and the only player in Saturday's starting lineup who had started a college game prior to this season. And also, he's one of only two consistent, legitimate offensive threats on our team." Well, don't go thinking too much, friend. Observe:

AK immediately went to the bench and when Huertas saw he was being taken out made sure the crowd and everyone on the court knew he was upset with AK's decision.

*GASP!* David Huertas: 17 pts, 5 rebounds, 2 assts, 1 scowl at that bastion of public restraint and emotional discipline, Andy Kennedy. Kick his ass off the team!

It's clear that AK and Huertas have a strained relationship. This isn't the first time they have got into it with each other. I think it was the UT game when they were both yelling at each other, probably because Kennedy reminded Dahveed that he has teammates.

Ok, in seriousness, I would rather our players didn't talk back to our coaches. BUT, I'll take 20 points and a hissy fit over 2 points and "thank you sir, may I please have another" every day of the week. You want a team full of Patrick Spachs? Good luck. When scowling at your coach starts being worth -20 points, call us.

As for "reminding him that he has teammates": David Huertas has 62 assists on the year. He leads the team in that statistic. Granted, the starting point guard went down early in the year, and the new point guard hasn't played enough to catch him in that category, but 62 assists out of your 3 guard is nothing to scoff at.

I think the "reminding about teammates" argument is a subtle nod at the prevailing notion that Dahveed is a ball hog (a sentiment reiterated in the comments section of the RSC post). Before we address that issue, lets point out that another paradigm among the Huertas Huaters is that Terrico White plays the "Rebel way" or some shit like that, and that White is the greatest player of all time at Ole Miss (seriously, lots of people think this. tOTGA says as much in the linked article, where he also complains about Huertas missing too many shots).
UGA game FG-FGA stats:
Huertas: 5-12
T. White: 8-18

Season FG %
Huertas: .423
White: .420

It drives me insane watching Huertas, who is not a very adept ball handler, waste 10 seconds of the shot clock trying to find his way into the lane or get a look at a three.

Woah. Chill out there, tOTGA.

I know he puts up points, that's great,
Better than great. Its how you win basketball games, which is the point of playing basketball. Anyhow, here comes the crux and fallacy of all of this...
but it frustrates me to no end how he takes plays off,
One of the most intense defenders on the team. If anything, he is too passionate, as Latin athletes tend to be...
doesn't pass,
Leads the team in assists...
blows up on his teammates when they do something wrong
Guaran-fucking-tee you if he was white everybody would be cool with this. We were watching the UF-LSU game tonight on ESPN and Nick Calathes chewed out a freshman (black) teammate on camera and the announcers ooohed and aaaahed about Nick's leadership abilities.
Not saying tOTGA is racist, believe us we're not. But why is it not cool for the most experienced player on the team to chew ass sometimes?
and disrespects his coach.
Who spent the night in jail for calling someone Osama Bin Laden, and also probably hurls some of the most venomous insults anybody can imagine in team huddles. Also, that coach plays him for 35 minutes a game, so, you know, there's probably an understanding there.

He's done good things for us, no doubt, but for now I am not going to miss him when he leaves.
"Water is essential to life on earth, no doubt, but for right now I could handle a drought for a year."

In sum: Take David Huertas off this team and we are looking at maybe 8 wins this year. That's not wild proselytizing. That's the truth. He is the best player on this team, and if he weren't here, nobody associated with Ole Miss would give two shits about basketball at this point in the season. Don't succumb to this chic prevailing notion that he is somehow bad for our team, or worthy of your hate. He's just goofy. And goofy's always been alright with us.

David Dellucci: Make Believe Hero, Full-Time Jackass

2009-02-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

Yes, Ole Miss lost games to South Wichita Polytechnic Institute and the Mobile Shrimper's Guild softball team this weekend. So what. Happens every year. Newsflash: we were over-ranked at No. 6 anyway, so don't act like your dog just died.

Now, on to more entertaining news: David Dellucci is telling the Cleveland media that he injured his thumb while saving a small child from an alligator attack. And they believe him.

Thanks Dave.

Does Anyone Remember? Does Anybody Care?

2009-02-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

When the sun shines down on what's left of me /

About a hundred years from now /

I'm gonna cut my water with Rebel Yell /

And claw my way back to town

100 years, 100 years /

They'll break me, but I'll break them too

--Dr. Dog, 100 Years

The Rebels will take on Georgia in the Tad Pad on Saturday, and the University will do its best to celebrate 100 years of not-so-storied Ole Miss basketball tradition at halftime. The school has selected an All-Century team to commemorate the occasion of this season. A genuine +1 to Langston Rodgers and Co. for that.

But this is the same Sports Information Department that gave us manually dropped crepe-paper from the score board and "the redblue in you" campaign. Anything they promote should be taken with a grain of salt. The occasion, though - that of a century's worth of basketball at the University of Mississippi - brings up a very important and existential question that we've all asked ourselves before: How am I supposed to feel about Ole Miss basketball?

Let's not confuse the situation. No one at Forward Rebels wants you to rationalize not going to the game tomorrow. And it is decidedly not valid to answer basketball taunts from State fans with "Well, we're a football school." Because we all know first hand that when the Rebels are good, we care. The Forward Rebs editorial staff, to be sure, cared a great deal back in 2001 when a special Rebel was making it cool to be a small fry right when all 125 pounds of this blog's staff was hitting campus.

But what are we to make of this basketball program that once promoted its head basketball coach to Ass't Coach of the Freshmen in football (not even joking)? What to make of a team who's greatest basketball coach (Country Graham) is only regarded as highly as he is because he notoriously spied on opponents of the school's greatest football coach (Vaught)?

The answer, of course, is to treat it exactly the way it gets treated. Sure, in an ideal world every game of every season would be sold out and raucous, and we could raise the funds for better practice facilities, and we could eventually say bye-bye to the Tad Pad. But it took the University of Mississippi about 50 years to regard its basketball program as anything other than a primer for football season, so its taking the fans a while to warm up to the sport.

Consequently, its fitting that the Centennial would fall in the same season that brings us three year ending knee injuries and Bin Ladengate. Outside of a few notable exceptions, Ole Miss basketball has been hounded by mediocrity.

That said, it doesn't take an improbable SEC Tourney Championship run to endear a program to a fanbase. All it takes is competition against blood rivals, and players who prove that they will run through walls for the same program that we struggle to make it to Wednesday night games to see if it happens to be raining outside. Its those players, no matter how many times they missed out on post-season play, that deserve the recognition they'll get tomorrow night. If you've been around for a century and have never been considered a UK or a KU, you learn to appreciate grit, and pluck and scrap and mostly spite. You truly do have to appreciate the idea of going into games and seasons thinking "They'll break me, but I'll break them too..."

Players like Elston Turner and Gerald Glass and Ansu Sesay and John Stroud and yes, Lil' Harrison (who was somehow left off the All-Century Team) understood this when they came to Ole Miss. And they allowed us to have those fleeting moments that validate 100 years of basketball. If anything ever does come from this program, it will be because of the players on the court at halftime on Saturday.

If you're in Oxford this weekend, please attend for their sake, at the very least.

Six and a Half Months Out

2009-02-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

You know how in Jurrasic Park they'll just be sitting there in the jeep or something, just talking about music and food and stuff, and Jeff Goldblum is making some weird but vaguely witty comment, and then all of a sudden somebody's water will get ripples in it and everybody goes quiet because you know, you just all of a sudden know that those little water ripples in the cup are being made because that mofo T-Rex is waaaaaaaaay out there but he a comin andnoLittleTimmythatain'tnotremorweain'tonafaultlinelet'sgetthehellouttahereandquick - you know what I'm sayin? You know that thing is out there but dammit it's big and it'll be here soon enough.

It's really a little cinematic tool that foreshadows and builds suspense. Frebaholics, I present our water-cup ripples.

Goose.Bumps.

I'd like to take this opportunity to announce to you all that I plan on witnessing every minute of Ole Miss football next year. If it breaks me (and it most certainly will), I will sell things to make it. I'm not saying we're going to win the SEC or the National Title or anything like that. That's not the reason I'm doing this at all. I'm doing it because I'm at a point in my life where I can do it, and I've always wanted to and why the eff not? If not now, when? And of course, for all you poor little schmucks who aren't able to take on that enormous feat, I'm willing to lay it all on the line and let you live vicariously through the blog. I'll send you postcards from the road.

Anyhoo, we'll keep our eyes open for more water-cup ripples in the meantime.

A massive HatTip to Ledhendrix for creating this video.
A smaller HatTip to BhamReb of NAFOOM for finding this thing.

The Heartbreak Kid

2009-02-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

In case you were unaware, we're playing LSU on Saturday, which is also Valentine's Day. As such, I'd like to be the first to remind you of what went down the last time we played LSU on Valentine's Day.

Cold blooded.

For the record, Clay Sanders is one of my all-time favorite Rebels. The guy always had a smile on his face. I was on floor under the basket at the Fed Ex Forum in 2007 when Memphis' student section collectively decided that Clay looked like Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love was in its heyday). Everytime he touched the ball they'd start doing the emphatic "FLAY - va FLAYYYVV!" line. Most guys might take offense but I remember Clay actually laughing with them at one point. He was just that type of guy - not really a mean bone in him, as far as I could tell. But he had ice in his veins at the end of the game.

On a related note, the Ole Miss basketball All-Century Team (1908-2008) is being announced this weekend. If DeAundre Cranston isn't the starting forward, then we're boycotting basketball. We'll keep ya posted.

The Defining Moments of 2008

2009-02-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

As you are well aware, its February. And our basketball season has pretty much been about next year for the past two months. And we don't even have a game this week until Saturday. So naturally, we're gonna talk about football. "But" you say, "baseball's starting up soon! You could write about that!"

Well, the guys over at Red Solo Cup are cranking up the baseball coverage just fine, so feel free to peruse their pre-season takes if you're into that kind of thing. Forward Rebels, in the meantime, will do the only logical thing during this slow athletic period and look not to a preview, but to a postview. Backwards, Rebels.

Backwards to a recap of 2008 in the only way we know how. We're not going to pick some title that will tempt the Sports Deities to humiliate us for another five years. We're simply choosing a totally accurate and official list of the Eight Most Defining Plays of the 2008 Season. Note what we're not calling it. "Greatest." "Exciting." "Important." "Orgasmic." None of these adjectives will suffice.

These are plays that we believe best sum up our season. If someone were to put a gun to our head and say "HEY! You have to define Ole Miss's football season by selecting EIGHT PLAYS. Be prepared to defend your answers!!!" We'd be like "Woah. Why eight?" And they'd be like "Because it was 2008 smartass!!!" And then we'd go "OK that just seems a little arbitrary and lazy. I guess it was 2008 and all, but you'd only have to pick 2 more to get to a nice round number..." and then they'd just go "LISTEN dipshit I took Samir Husni and he said its cool to choose non-round numbers in listmaking to increase reader interest by lending an air of creditiblity to the selection process now SHUT UP and do it..." Wait what?

Anyhow, let's start with these two plays. These are listed in decending order, BTdubs, as the rest of the list will appear gradually over the next few days:

8.) Bye Bye WildBoyz. Hello WildRebel. Dexter scampers 32 yards for a TD from new-fangled offensive formation in first game of year.

Granted, in August, no one associated with Forward Rebs was doing nearly as much blog reading / message board lurking as we do right now, but we genuinely don't remember much "Wild Rebel" speculation during the preseason. Surely people were talking about this. Surely people had seen it in practices. But we just don't recall there being that much WildRebel buzz.

Whatever the case, we doubt anyone predicted the formation would debut with such a splash. Jevan had already announced his arrival with a long touchdown pass to Shay, but it was Dexter who put the Rebels up for good late in the first quarter against Memphis.

With the game tied 7-7 Dex took the snap from the shotgun formation, faked a hand off to a scampering Brandon Bolden, and darted around John Jerry's right side before turning north and covering 32 yards for the touchdown. A collective lightbulb went off in Frebs' little corner of the South Endzone. "Woah," everybody seemed to gasp simultaneously, "this could get fun." The play itself foreshadowed a diverse offense that was the lightyears smarter than the Orgeron years and a metric ton more creative than anything David Cutcliffe could envision in the midst of a mescaline binge nightmare.

In the short term, Dex's run foreshadowed the type of trickery that would lead to Bolden's 37 yard pass to Snead later in the game. For the long-term, the play announced a formation that would keep defenses on edge for the next 12 games - which was about the same amount of time it took us to truly appreciate the mad-hattery of Kent Austin.

7.) Peria Places Index Finger Over Mouth: Bryant-Denny Shushes

Of Going Down, And Going Down Swinging

Bryant-Denny Stadium is a pretty underrated place to play when it comes to toughness. No, a 2:30 October kickoff in Tuscaloosa isn't Death Valley at nightfall, but 90,000 + drunks hellbent on a perfect season is plenty enough to cause a ruckus. And you better believe they were rocking and rolling after Dexter McCluster's fumble with 12:00 minutes left in our game this past year.

Understand the context of that moment. We weren't, by any stretch of the imagination, expected to make much noise in that game or on the year. Sure, we had beaten Florida. But that game could be written off as a fluke while the South Carolina and Vandy losses were still fresh on everyone's mind. Bama was coming off upsets over Georgia and Clemson. We were staring at going below .500 on the year while they were eyeing a No. 1 ranking. Also, they put up 24 points in a very ugly first half that saw us trailing by three TDs.

The Rebels had closed the gap to 14 points in the third quarter, and had just begun to make the hometown Tide fans nervous when Dex put the ball on the ground for the umpteenth time in the still young season. Bama's coronation party was back at full force when the Tide offense took the field. Saban played it safe after a short gain on a pass play, electing to send his Senior Glen Coffee up the middle between All-American Antoine Caldwell and Outland Trophy winner Andre Smith.

The Truth shoved Caldwell with his left arm, literally put left guard Mike Johnson on his ass, and met Coffee two yards into the backfield. Coffee lost the football in the midst of that collision, and Kentrell Lockett had recovered it by the time Peria's 300 pounds came crashing down on Coffee's torso. It wasn't until Forward Rebs had replayed the play several times later that night that we realized how quickly the noise in that stadium had gone from deafening to non-existent. It was the closest thing sports can get to the scene from Animal House when Otter walks in on Otis Day and the Knights at the nightclub. Peria's hit was the 'record scratch' noise.

Anyhow, four plays later Snead hit Shay on a stop-fade in the endzone and the Rebs had closed to within one TD. We all know how that turned out, but the statement Jerry made with that one play spoke volumes about the difference in attitude this team would display for the rest of the year. It's worth noting that the Rebs wouldn't lose another game for the rest of the way. Oh to have been a fly on the wall during that Bama halftime speech.

What's that? You thought the Defining Moments would come from wins? Please. The two greatest plays of Forward Rebs' entire fanhood didn't really end ideally. We are Ole Miss, after all. Watch for the rest of the list throughout the end of this week.

Defending Dahveed

2009-02-09T06:16:00.000-08:00

There's a fortune inside your head /All you touch turns to lead You think you might just crawl back in bed /The fortune inside your head

You know you're just a mama's boy/ Positively unemployed

So misunderstood

Wilco, Misunderstood

A theoretical: If you moved to, like, New Jersey or some metropolatin exurb up north, would you change the way you dressed or acted? I got a friend who made such a move recently.

Last I talked to this kid, he was having trouble. He couldn't really find the right crowd to run with and kept having girls "scooped right out from underneath" him. The only reasoning he could come up with, and I tended to agree with him, was because he refused to put product in his hair, or wear jewelry or sport the omnipresent backwards fitted flat-billed hat.

Anyhow, I couldn't help thinking about that as I read the Ole Miss message boards yesterday following our 10 point loss to Vanderbilt in Nashville. The problem with Ole Miss's effort yesterday, according to everybody with a keyboard, was David Huertas.

Understand: our problem wasn't that Mac White and DeAundre Cranston got pwned by an Australian guy on the boards all game. It wasn't that Vandy shot 67% from the field in the second half. What it was was that damned David Huertas and his 19 points that only accounted for 30% of our offense.

Before I get too deep into this, I'd like to address the fact that Forward Rebels is just as guilty of Hurt-us-cising Dahveed as anyone else. We've got an "Is David Huertas an Alien?" tag. We're culprits. BUT, there's a big difference in having a cheap laugh at a guy's goofiness and actually believing he's what's wrong with our team. Make no mistake, David Huertas is the MVP of this team, and I'm not so sure that's simply by default by virtue of EP and Warren's injuries.

But its his goofiness that leads to all the negative pub he gets. Or more accurately, its his Puerto Rican-ness that makes him stand out. Just like I wouldn't put product in my hair if I lived in State College, PA, Dahveed is not going to quit scowling when things go wrong on the court in Mississippi.He's not going to quit being abrassive to opposing players and referees.He's not going to quit being overly dramatic when trying to draw a foul.

It's easy to see, after watching the international players in the Olympics this past year, that Huertas' style of play is 100% FIBA, which is to say that morally its a lot closer to soccer than it is to the NBA. The players wear their emotions on their sleeves. They take dives. They generally cut corners that American players wouldn't.

This phenomenon of villifying your star isn't exclusive to Ole Miss. The Yankees do it with A-Rod (and have long before A-Rod's recent troubles). Nevermind the fact that Alex Rodriguez puts up MVP like numbers in New York. Nevermind that he's the best player on their team. He dates movie stars and hasn't won the World Series, so he's the problem with the team. He's not a "True Yankee" like Derek Jeter.

Likewise, if Dahveed had gone down with an injury early in the year, leaving Chris Warren to lead a group of freshmen into SEC play, and then Warren had a poor start to the game against Vandy, I don't think anyone would've put our failure to make the NCAA tourney on Warren's shoulders. I saw multiple threads on the Spirit and Rivals boards yesterday doing just that to Huertas. Why? Because Warren is essentially emotionless on the court and hustles his ass off. Huertas grimaces, he scowls, he smiles, he talks shit in Spanish, he isn't totally submissive to the coaches.

But he's also the best thing we've got right now. Terrico's had an excellent three or four game run, but David's still averaging about 20 a game - and that's from the first game on. While his slow start did play a factor into Saturday's loss, it wasn't the reason we lost. It was maybe 9th on the list, and remember that Nos. 1-3 are "knees" and No. 7 is probably "Saddam Hussein".

Bobbie. Yes.

2009-02-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

Ok. This is easily the raddest piece of video to come out since Peria v. Herman at the Senior Bowl. Fast forward to about the 1:42 mark.

The second best part, minus the whole "flippantly throwing Alabama's hat on the ground" thing, is that Massie actually mentions Bama's blogs as a reason for disrespecting them. Being a logical group ourselves, we're going to interpret that as meaning that Bob is a fan of Forward Rebs. Thanks for the vote of confidence, friend.

HT: RidgeReb of NAFOOM.

38 Special or What Would Gavin Stevens Do?

2009-02-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

We can't get mad at anyone for hating us. We truly believe that. It was the unsinkable George Straight, after all, who told us that you can't make a heart love somebody. And hate, being the contrarian bastard that it is, doesn't submit itself to reason either.

So while we disagree with the Razorbacks about Houston Nutt, obviously, we can understand their angst. They're relatively new in the conference, and nobody really cares about playing against them. True, they have that trophy game with LSU, but that game is only a rivalry by default. Auburn had Bama. State had Ole Miss. And LSU and Arkansas looked around and realized there was nobody left but eachother, so they might as well make the best of it. Sorta like the two nerdy kids during a slow song at the Jr. High dance. What's worse is that LSU probably considers four other games as bigger rivalries than the Hogs' biggest.

The Battle for the "Golden Boot" or whatever

They've been desperate for a genuine rivalry, so when Razorback fans go on ad nauseam about Houston Nutt's shortcomings, the only courteous thing to do is quietly ignore them, and extricate yourself from the situation. Similar to what old Houston himself did in the first place.

The walk-on alums don't really recognize that you are trying to politely back away from the confrontation, though. Thus they're still trolling message boards, still calling into the radio shows, still bitter in every way imaginable. Even the brighter ones want to wax poetic about a man who rid himself of their lives over a year ago. They'll go highbrow on you. Get all literary.

The same fanbase that produces knuckleheads who degrade our coach's family, also sends us some bookish dude to let us know that in some fictional alternate universe, Houston Nutt runs with the Snopes clan in the wrong part of Yoknapatawpha County.

Well excuse us, but we fail to see just what in the motherfuck these people are talking about. Being from Oxford and all, we'd like to take the opportunity to ask these clowns what they think Gavin Stevens would do if 50,000 overzealous, ill-tempered crazies made it clear that they hated him and wanted him to leave. We'd like to think that Faulkner's hero, the traditional Southern Marcus Aurelius disciple that he is, would leave and vow revenge. Consequently, we'd like to congratulate the literary Hogs on getting one thing right: The past isn't dead. It isn't even past.

For us, National Signing Day was the official end of the "courteous" period with our neighbors to the Northwest. It's pretty much been a full football year with Houston. The honeymoon has had every opportunity to be over. We're still pretty keen on the guy.

They told us, first, that in general the guy couldn't coach. Once soundly disproven, the argument was then whittled away and whittled away until, finally, the last leg the lunatic fringe had to stand on was Houston's recruiting. "Once Orgeron's talent leaves, you'll see!" they said.

Well today we watched as the University recieved 38 Letters of Intent from kids who held offers from damn near every team in the nation. Georgia and Florida want the blue-chip offensive lineman? He chooses Ole Miss. Bama after the can't miss wide receiver? Sorry, he's in too. Auburn offers a slew of our defensive commits? Staying solid. The mighty Petrino gets after those Florida DEs and LBs? Sorry Bob. Welcome to the SEC.

What we wound up with at the end of today was something that has a very legitimate chance of becoming the very best signing class in the post-Vaught era. It is large. It addresses needs. It is short on grade risks and long on talent.

It's also a little scary, but that's cool.

The point of all of this is that we don't have to be polite with the Hog fans anymore. If they are too stupid to realize that they have consistently been made to look like fools, then so be it. They have every right to continue to call us rivals, as long as they understand that for 51 weeks out of the year we'd rather not be bothered with defending our coach. We got nine wins, an excited fanbase and, as of today, one bad ass signing class. One of these days their burning hatred will flicker then dim then burn itself out, and perhaps the smarter ones will realize: those are really the only things that matter.

The Cincinatti Vid and a Couple of Observations

2009-02-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

Oh boy: Well, the Zapruder film has finally surfaced in Taxicab Confessions/ Bin Ladengate. Here's the abbreviated version from the news station WLWT in Cincinatti. I would like to link to the entire thing, for those of you who wish to watch an hour's worth of fuzzy police dashboard video footage, but midway through the elongated version Kennedy gives his cell and SSN#, and I'm not a big enough ass to spread that around. Also, WTF WLWT? That shit better be edited out by the time I get up in the morning. I watched the whole thing, and will say that the majority of the video consists of AK being level headed, while the Armstrong guy goes ape shit at certain times. Meanwhile, Cop #1 is a ginormous dickhead, while Cop #2 wins the game of life. The highlight of the entire thing? Cop #2: "You think we've never dealt with the national media? We deal with the Bengals." Your move, OchoCinco.

Ugh. Recruiting: Full disclosure, I've been tuning in to the recruiting boards a little. First off, 99% of the people who post there are unbelievably stupid. Secondly, it should go without saying that Forward Rebels believes "star rankings" are subjective, arbitrary and about as accurate as odds on dog-racing. But, but but, the first week of February is fun in that way that 90's Country songs on the radio when no one else is in the car are fun. Guilty pleasures are indeed, highly pleasurable. Frebs' sources confirm that of our remaining big name guys we're after, only Marlon Brown is unlikely for us. Take that for what its worth. Also, if you think Ja-Mes will be the weirdest name for a wide reciever in this class, you got another thing coming.

Hey Dogs:

This is what a mismatch looks like.

On Ole Miss vs. MSU

2009-01-30T22:03:00.001-08:00

Firts off, if the first thing that came to your mind when you saw the title of this post was "OMG maybe he's got some info on Patterson!!!!", you're in luck. I've got the real lowdown on old PP's whereabouts last night, and what bars and ladies he hit up, and who his player hosts were and what his latest lean is (spoiler alert: the news is good!!!) right here.

Now, on to the basketball game tomorrow at the Hump. I debated for the longest time about how much I was even going to write about basketball this year, but want to go ahead and flesh this game out. The reasoning is that even though all signs point to the Rebs getting blown out at the Hump tomorrow, Forward Rebels has always been of the mindset that you can't just pick and choose when to acknowledge rivalries. You can't say the games don't matter when you're the heavy underdog (although, let's not get carried away gang, because there's really nothing that can happen tomorrow that would make up for 45-0).

And make no mistake, Ole Miss has a few things going for them. Namely, the Whites have found their game - particularly Terrico. This kid, as a freshman, has shown flashes of scary-goodness. His posterization of three Kentucky players on Tuesday night had me spewing wine all over my computer screen. The guy can do a ton of things on offense - slash, mid-range shot, the three ball.

And Malcolm, for the first time I can recall in his year and a half at Ole Miss, was finally the beast that he was initially made out to be. He fought and won rebounds. He showed some aptitude with his back to the basket. Most importantly, he showed some controlled, technical offensive capability - meaning that he broke the Jermey Parnell mode of "make one Sportcenter highlight reel play, then finish the game with four points and three boards." To avoid that Parnell pigeonhole, he went so far as to not make the SC Top 10, unlike Terrico and Murphy Holloway. Showoffs.

Skyoos meee.

Anyhow, if those two show up again, and if E.T.Veed can put up 25, we oughta stand a fighter's chance. Except that the game's at the Hump. And for whatever reason, SEC basketball road-home splits are ridiculously slanted in favor of the home team. Somebody smarter than me should reallly try to figure out why collegiate basketball splits are that way, as opposed to other college sports or professional basketball. It really is curious, but I digress.

Varnado will be too much for Big Mac when we have the ball, and we can't expect to shoot lights out from the outside every game. Also, as much as I hate to say it, I don't think we need to read too much into the win over Kentucky. Essentially we found their "Harangody factor." Remember when Notre Dame was all bad ass at basketball a few weeks back, and then like Seton Hall or someone figured out if you box and one on Harangody they can't score, and then Notre Dame hasn't won a game since? Well Kennedy was the first one to figure that out about Jodie Meeks. Don't be surprised to see UK go .500 or worse from here on out.

Anyway, as stated before, we're on the road in a very hostile environment with a very young team. That's the difference, in the end.

My prediction: Dogs 76, Ole Miss 64

Just for shiggles, if you're going to be drinking with friends while watching the game, take a shot everytime DeAundre Cranston falls down, sucker punches someone or commits a goofy foul. Then have someone put you in a cold shower.

In the Dirt

2009-01-26T21:51:00.000-08:00

Last week I was talking to someone about Ole Miss baseball and the conversation shifted to the UCLA series last year (two years ago?) when some Rebel fans who made the trip to Los Angeles got ejected. The guy I was talking with recounted the hilarious story. The reason for the ejection was partially because of the "Throw it in the dirt! Dirt!" cheer while the Bruins were pitching.

"I heard about that guy getting ejected," I said.

"Nah. It wasn't the throw-it-in-the-dirt-guy. That guy wasn't there. It was just us," said the kid.

I would venture a guess that 75% of Ole Miss fans would understand who "the throw-it-in-the-dirt-guy" meant. Like me, though, the vast majority of them would only know him as a stubbornly persistent and funny gutterally-southern accented voice coming from Section I of the grand stands at Swayze Field. I wouldn't know the guy from Adam. So I don't really know why I'm writing about the news of his death here on this stupid website.

Chip Clinton, the guy who faithfully started and insisted on your participation in the "throw it in the dirt" chants for as long as I can remember, died today. From what few and unreliable sources I have read, he apparently committed suicide.

On a personal note this is just the latest in a string of terribly depressing bad news that has really only affected the peripheral edges of my life beginning with the New Year. Which is to say, a lot of my friends are going through some rough shit right now. Plus I'm in one of these god-awful C rate hotel and resort casinos in bum-fuck Louisiana, and I just watched Benjamin Button, which put a lump in my throat a few times, and dammit, shit's melancholic right now.

But Clinton's passing would deserve a mention even if I wasn't in a depressive funk. Clinton, after all, is a Rebel of note. Jeff Roberson agrees. He saw fit to relay the news over on the Spirit page.

No, Clinton wasn't Jimmy-two-bits or whatever the guy at Florida is called. Mercifully, Ole Miss doesn't have an advanced enough sports marketing department to manufacture a Jimmy-two-bits. He wasn't even a Whiskey Alley-ite, though I suspect he approved of those guys during the O years.

Clinton was just a collegiate baseball fan, which is about as American as anybody can get. And in a genuine and grass-roots type of way, he brought some enthusiasm to a program that was incidentally on the verge of becoming big and unique and utterly endearing. To paraphrase from Bob Marley, he struck the hammer while the iron was hot. He presided over a time period that saw our University break attendance records and regularly host post-season play. And he helped usher in an attitude that sometimes our fan base desperately lacks, which is to say, he demonstrated that its ok to actually give a shit about the game as opposed to say, your dress or the burgers on the grill.

Anyhow, this guy who few of us ever met is gone, and I can say without hesistation that he will be missed at baseball games. May God keep him. And may we remember that everybody is fighting some type of battle, and consequently everybody deserves basic human compassion.

Unless, of course, they are pitching against the Rebels.

*ED: This was written after some drinks late Monday night, but for whatever reason did not publish, and I didn't notice that until today.

** Hat Tip to ReplayReb of the Spirit boards for the audio link. I don't think I'm supposed to copy and paste from there, but what they don't know can't hurt 'em.

A Sighting of the Demigod Hermanus! (and some dude named Peria)

2009-01-22T06:56:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the slow week this week, gang. Things are just now getting back to normal at the office. I'll try to review some of the previous couple of weeks' goings on either today or tomorrow.

In the mean time, after months of googling his name and hanging out at buffets in Baton Rouge, I've finally found some more footage of my man Herman Johnson. Yessssssssssssssssss. Discovering this video on Nafoom today felt like sweet relief.

You'll remember that the last time we saw Big Herm was during CBS's tribute to Him during the inaugural Magnolia Bowl back in November. We found out the guy likes the movie Madagascar and the dessert peach cobbler. Our last glimpse of him was on LSU's last drive, when he showed mercy to DK, remember?

DK was all: bull rush > swim move > spin juke > sack of Jefferson. And Hermanus was all: "Awe, this guy probably wasn't even the biggest baby in his county! Ha! Poor little fella. I'll just pretend to get pushed five yards back and then fall to the ground and let him have this sack on this, my very last play at Tiger Stadium."

Anyhow, it turns out that Hermanus hasn't forgotten his humble ways. At this week's Senior Bowl practices, the Demigod is trying to boost his draft stock, along with Peria and Big Mike, who is also featured in the video (spoiler alert: Big Mike's plays leave a little to be desired). Fast forward to about the 3:50 mark in this video, though, and check out what happens if you move Hermanus inside to OG and ask him to handle the Truth one on one.

HatTip to some dude named VanillaFace on Nafoom.

The Gators and 118 Other 2009 National Champs

2009-01-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

There is a predictable movement afoot among our lesser informed fans. "We beat Florida!" they say. "Florida won the BCS! That means WE the Nashnal Champeens, kinda! Right?! Damn Right!"

There are bumper stickers and t-shirts that have something to the effect of "Ole Miss 31 - National Champs 30" written on them. It's pretty stupid. Most people understand that. If I had more time at work today I'd elaborate, but I don't, and Ghost over at the Red Solo Cup already made a pretty fine attempt at stomping this idiocy out.

Anyhow, the reason I bring this back up is because I came across an interesting little internet football calculator today*. Want to take the wind out of the sails of the "sorta National Champions" movement? Tell them that by their reasoning, the University of Alabama-Birmingham is also a BCS champ. Way to Go Blazers!
*Hat tip to Deadspin via College Football Transitive Property.

Let's Talk About Sex, Bay-Bee (?)

2009-01-15T21:53:00.001-08:00

I really did have a moral dilemma about this. I'm still not 100% sure I should even be writing about it.

I mean, listen, I know the tone of blogs in general - and this one in particular - is typically snarky and malicious. Believe me, I get that. If you can be a clever enough asshole, more people will laugh at your stuff. And more people will read your stuff. And in some tech-nerdy, silly ass, one-step-below-Star-Trek-fanaticism way, the guy who writes these pointed little malicious "web logs" gets some type of satisfaction out of that.

But even I have reservations about going after somebody's family. So I wouldn't just flippantly spout off about the fact that Kimber Kennedy is taking Mohammed Akbar "Gotta" Jiddou to court because her husband, Andy, presumably can't get it up unless I had good reason.

And that reasoning is sound: Why would somebody publicly air their bedroom, um, shortcomings? Because they are trying to play bluff with a poor immigrant so he'll drop his lawsuit against their husband, that's why. If you think Kimber's lawsuit has anything to do with trying to recuperate some sort of damages from not getting any, then I've got some prime snow skiing property in Greenwood I'd like to sell you. Seriously, not only is this phony ass law suit low class, it's also ridiculously stupid. I mean, I'm no lawyer, but I'm sure there's a less embarassing claim to make - if you're just making shit up anyway - than "Oh, we're not bustin guts enough since you accused my husband of calling you Saddam Hussein."

I love Ole Miss. Love her. But I'm almost envious of student section rowdies at other SEC schools this season. Coming up with clever ways to rip on AK is going to be easier than shooting fish in a barrel.

Get Together...One More Time

2009-01-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

Too busy at work today to say much, but its all across the wire: DK will return. I'm off to round up the other Rebs in my office and we're going to youtube the Pride of the South doing From Dixie With Love, and then we'll lock arms and do the Slow Sway like we were in the South Endzone.

DK: And a Good Day to You Too, Sir?

2009-01-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

I could think of a thousand reasons for me to leave you...

Well, believe it or not gang, Gregory "DK" Hardy is having trouble making his mind up. I know, I know. It's hard to digest. The same guy who sometimes tries, sometimes wants to embroider towellettes, sometimes forgets his shoes and sometimes knocks the dog-shit out of opposing quarterbacks is being a little indecisive.

My feeling, for what its worth (nothing), is that I'm totally cool with his decision if he decides to opt for the NFL. As much as I try to act like I think Greg Hardy is a Budweiser Leon type of guy, the truth is that I sincerely think the guy has issues. There's a difference between being self-centered and being just a little off your rocker. Anything I've read about Hardy, which admittedly is not much, suggests that the guy has deeper problems than simply not giving a damn about anything but himself.

Without going too deep into things I have only heard about his situation, I think that going to the NFL and getting out from under the influence of others who currently hold sway over him could be the absolute best thing for Greg. And if that were to happen, he could blossom into the every-down beast that he has shown flashes of being throughout his time at Ole Miss.

Vague hearsay aside, I don't think Hardy goes. Not because of some loyalty to Ole Miss or faith in the success of our 2009 season. Not because of Nutt's snake-oil salesmanship at their meeting tomorrow, either. Hardy's too off-kilter to be receptive to rah-rah stuff. No, he'll stay because in order to really cash in on this draft, he'll have to dominate in the NFL combine.

NFL scouts know full well about Hardy's behavior issues. True, the guy's never run afoul of the law or anything like that. But turning pro requires twice the dedication and provides about one fifth of the supervision / coddling. So scouts will be hesitant on him, unless he puts up a combine performance that labels him as a 'can't miss' guy. And we all know that Hardy is more than capable of turning that type of performance in. The guy's a physical freak.

The problem is he'll have to be healthy to do that. And word is that he'll need another surgery on the same ankle. This one could sideline him for as long as four months. That's long enough to miss the combine. So surgery = no combine = mid-to-late-second round pick = Hardy stays.

Of course, I'm going out on a limb to get to another limb to reach the final limb I'm out on here. But that's just how I see this thing playing out. We'll obviously have more on this situation as it develops. If he's going to declare, he's got to do it by Thursday. Stay tuned.

Tracy Rocker: And a Good Day to You, Sir

2009-01-12T21:48:00.001-08:00

Defensive Line coach Tracy Rocker goes to Auburn. *Yaaaaaaawwwn* OK sorry. Lets talk about it.

1.) We wish him the best, and can't really blame him. He's going to his alma mater. He has family who live close to Auburn. He got offered 350,0 Wait! What?

2.) He got offered $350,000. From Auburn. To coach their defensive linemen. 2a.) Now we really can't blame him, but 2b.) what in the hell is Auburn doing? Bringing in and overpaying a bunch of exciting but largely unproven assistants does not mask the fact that the guy calling the shots really isn't that good at coaching football. Make no mistake: We would LOVE to be able to pay a position coach $350K. But if we could do that, we probably would splurge a little more on the head guy. Just sayin'.

3.) Last point: we are not losing sleep over this. Rocker's unit was dominant this year. No denying that. But it helps when you've got an All-American senior leading the group. It's not like Jerry was horrible before Rocker got here, either. The kid has been unblockable since early in the 2007 season. I remember listening to the '07 Georgia game on the radio and noticing how many times they called his name. Other people just didn't take notice because we were a terrible team with a losing record. Also, there was an even more dominant player on that defense, remember?

Greg Hardy, for the record, was much better under the Ogre than he was under Rocker. Obviously, you have to factor in injuries and other *ahem* issues. I only bring this up because unwitting Tiger fans will likely attribute Ole Miss's D-line dominance under Rocker to Hardy, because they've heard his name a few times before.

True, Lockett came into his own under Rocker. But Lockett was just a freshman in '07, and couldn't have been expected to contribute at such an early age. If someone wants to argue that Lockett's success is due to Rocker, we could counter that Powe's underwhelming season (at least relative to his initial potential) can also be attributed to Rocker. It'd be a disingenuous argument, but the point is we never do know. We'll see how Lockett develops next year under a different coach. Our guess is that he's even better.

The biggest effect this coaching change will have is this: will it influence Hardy's decision to leave or to stay. We certainly hope he stays. We'll know soon enough.

The second biggest effect, legitimately, is that it gives us a chance to post this ridiculous video that we like to call "The Truth visits the Carnie Folk." Enjoy.

The Angel Timothy Returns: Peria Jerry Chuckles Wistfully

2009-01-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

Just a couple'a god-fearin missionaries.

Well, firstly, a hearty apology to diehard Freb fans. The editorial staff here has been on assignment in Texas since the New Year, and unfortunately, that assignment did not involve the beatdown Ole Miss put on Ta Tech in Dallas. We'll certainly post more about that win as we've got some time to kill before baseball -- this basketball season promises to be devoid of anything worthy of writing about. In the meantime:

Yea, verily I say unto thee, the Arch-Angel hath decided to hover in Gaineslehem for next season. Let us all bow our heads.

In a rational sense, this is undeniably good news for Ole Miss. We just wrapped up our home and home with Florida from the east (that turned out ok, I guess), and will be trading them with a very dilapidated Tennessee team next season. So we won't have to see Tebow, unless of course we meet in Atlanta. What's even better is that Arkansas, LSU and Mississippi State will have to take on the reigning BCS Champs during the regular season in 2009. Ergo, a very literal + 1 to Ole Miss's already frighteningly optimistic 2009 SEC West championship campaign. Yay.

But, dear readers, Tebow's announcement means another otherwise joyful football season will be tainted by the media's worship of Tim Tebow. The staff of Frebs was forced to listen to the Nat'l Championship game on ESPN radio, and Kirk Herbstriet's man-crush on Timmy made us blush more than once. On Florida's second TD drive (one dominated by Percy Harvin - you know, the best player on Florida's team) Herbstreit said he thought Urban Meyer had abandoned the no-huddle offense so the rest of the players could see "the fire in Tebow's eyes" in the huddle. He honestly believed that. The staff of Frebs promptly pulled over and vomited on the north-bound shoulder of I-55 at mile marker 62 in the Missouri bootheel.

Also, for the record: exactly what is special or necessary about jumping to throw the football at the goal line? Did the linemen all of a sudden get taller, such that you have to jump above them when you're near the goal line? If television color-guys didn't inexplicably reach orgasm everytime that play happens, do you think Tim would still do the "jump pass"? And finally, is there a man among us who can't hit a wide open receiver from five yards away while jumping? I'm not saying that we're all as talented as Tim Tebow. I'm just saying that announcers going ape-shit over Tim Tebow doing the "jump pass" is silly because the "jump pass" is about as difficult as a free-throw. You don't hear Dick Vitale having an orgasm into the microphone every time Tyler Hansbrough hits a free-throw, do you?

Is this how I do it, Tim? Tee-hee!

Anyhoo, thanks for continuing to check in on Forward Rebels during this lull in posting. Your patience deserves rewarding, and Tebow's ladyfriend* is happy to oblige.

*probably not Tim Tebow's girlfriend, but whatev.

Win Rebels

2009-01-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

Win.

Beat these cocky motherfuckers. Beat 'em because you are better than them. Beat them because a Wide Receiver can never control a game.

Beat them because they are disappointed for being there. Beat them because like everybody else, they think the Florida win was a fluke but the Vandy loss was legit.

Beat them because you're better than Baylor. Beat them because you're better than Texas.

Fuck fear. Beat them because you are not scared of a soft ass defense and an offense that you will make one dimensional. Tell them to ask Tim Tebow if you get intimidated. Beat them because the Truth is scarier than the scariest nightmare Graham Harrell has ever had.

Beat them badly.

Win for Patrick Willis. Win because their was an entire class of guys who never got to do what you're about to do. Jason Cook is still there. Win for your captain, even if he's hurt.

Win because there are a hundred thousand fans who have been starved for the better part of the 21st century for an opportunity just like this.

Win.

Win and be nasty. Talk shit. Hurt people. Ruin dreams. Fuck. them. up.

Win because 91.4% of ESPN voters think you can't. Win because their fans don't think you'll keep it close. Do it because you can redeem an entire program today, and expose another in the process.

Win for all the Rebels who came before you. Win for Chucky. Win because its time. It's time.

Win.

A Little More Truthiness

2008-12-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously, Peria Jerry might be my favorite human being in the history of human beings. Consider this quote from the Commercial Appeal article that ran this weekend on Peria. Its from his former coach at Hargrave.

"He is the toughest kid I've ever coached here. Peria is just plain mean."

Remember how being the laziest man in Los Angeles put the Dude in the running for the title of 'laziest man in the world' in the Big Lebowski? Well, when the head football coach at a quasi-military academy that exists, as far as I can tell, solely for the purpose of turning hard-assed, violent, talented but troubled football players into disciplined young men calls you the "toughest kid (he's) ever coached," that at least puts you in the running for toughest man in America, right? Trick question. We already know that Peria is the toughest life force in the galaxy.

Also, somewhere early in that article, maybe the third paragraph, the guy who wrote it wrote something that could vaguely be construed as referring to Peria as the Truth. Frebs' influence grows by the day.

Anyhow, Frebs is back from the holidays and will have much to discuss over the next few days. It's going to be a busy week at work, and the New Year festivities will likely cause a moral hangover and general feeling of "fart brainery" but we'll do our best to keep all 7 of you readers mildly amused over the course of the next week. A belated and sincere Merry Christmas to you.

Warren Tears ACL? Abandon All Hope, Ye Basketball Fans.

2008-12-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

"What's good is bad, what's bad is good, you'll find out when you reach the top, you were on the bottom..."
Bob Dylan, Idiot Wind

Word is that in a post-game interview - one that I can't find transcribed anywhere - Kennedy told David Kellum that Chris Warren has torn his ACL. Let that roll around in your cranium for a little bit before reading on....

Ready? OK. I guess it should come as no surprise that Kennedy called today the worst 24 hours of his life. More on that later. Before I go any further I'd like to say that if this news about Warren is true, then this season has got to be considered among the worst for an Ole Miss program in the history of the University. A season that started out with hopes of a West title, an Atlanta championship, maybe an 8 seed in the Big Dance. All that seems like it was a million years ago on December 18. We haven't gotten into SEC play, and this season has gone beyond worst case scenario - literally. This season has gone beyond the pale. Beyond the freaking pale. I want to go ahead and call it the 'Season of Vengeance' a reference to the sports gods having their way with us following 31-13 and 45-0. Maybe I'll wait for the RedSoloCup guys to come up with something more witty. But for right now, as I polish off the last of my wine bottle after witnessing the worst day of Andy Kennedy's life from start to finish, I'm going to go ahead and officially christen the 2008 Ole Miss basketball season as The Season of Vengeance.

A quick recap of the Season of Vengeance:

Gaskins out for the year.
Polyniece out for the year.
Kennedy accused of a hate crime.
Warren out for the year.
Zero 'quality' wins.

Its really enough to make me feel sorry for Kennedy. I honestly do, a little. Its obviously not his fault that his two best players and his sixth man have all freakishly gotten injured early on in the year. And he has been good for our program. He's made people care about basketball. He's generated the funding for the Basketball Practice Facility. The players love him. He's consistently on the sidelines supporting the football team. I mean, in these respects, he is exactly what I want in an Ole Miss baskeball coach. He seems to care about the players and the school, and those are excellent qualities to have in a coach.

But I cannot comprehend this free-pass he is getting from the majority of Ole Miss fans. I'll be succinct: What has Andy Kennedy done to deserve the benefit of the doubt, much less forgiveness, in the Taxigate Scandal?

Does anyone sincerely believe that he was just out at 1:00 a.m. "dining with old friends from his Cincinatti coaching days" as his brother suggested? How do you give that statement any credibility, when everyone knows that Kennedy is a lush. That statement was laughable.

Honestly, its not uncommon to see a coach - say Bianco or Nutt - out on the square. These guys are generally heading into City Grocery or 208 with their families. They speak to fans, they joke with the waitstaff, pay their tickets, go home, tuck their kids in bed and go to sleep. What other coach in the history of the program has been allowed to go make a fool of himself on a consistent basis while everybody just looks the other way? And don't think for a second that Boone and Khayat aren't just as aware of this as you and I. At the end of the day, Oxford is still very much a small town where word gets around quicker than anyone would like to admit.

I think I'm letting my thoughts get away without making my broader point, which is this: Why are people so adamant about protecting Kennedy here? A winning program? Newsflash: Its year 3 under Kennedy, and we are way worse than we were in year 1. No way around that. All the talk about Kennedy not having his players to run his system is absolute horseshit. Who have the best players been for the past two years? Far and away, they have been guys Barnes recruited. Doyne, Abernethy, Curtis - all Barnes' kids. I realize Kennedy couldn't have been expected to have his own starters in year 1, but its year 3, and the one quality kid he's brought in is probably lost for the season now (obviously, through no fault of his own). For the record, Huertas signed under Barnes, and had to sit out his transfer year during 2006, AK's first year.

None of this "quality of players signed" stuff would be all that huge of a deal to me if Kennedy didn't make such a point of throwing all of Barnes' guys under the bus that first year. I was on the baseline taking photos one night when someone from the stands hollered to AK to take Doyne out of the game after he missed several shots. Kennedy responded by pointing at the entire bench and hollering 15 rows up to this guy "Who the hell I am supposed to put in?" -- as in, "everbody else sucks even worse." This was done in front of a packed crowd, and drew sufficient laughter from the front 10 rows or so. Believe me when I tell you nobody on the bench was smiling.

He also took swipes at the '06 seniors while bellied up at the Sporst Bar on several occasions. A friend of mine, who Kennedy doesn't know from Adam, told me that one night AK bought him shots and proceeded to talk basketball with him for a little bit. "I love these kids because they work hard," Kennedy said of the seniors, Sanders, Doyne and Abernethy, "but I wouldn't have given a scholarship to a single one of those bastards. They wouldn't be on the team if I had anybody else." These statements came about a week after Clay Sanders gave Ole Miss fans one of their greatest moments in the LSU rivalry with his Valentine's Day buzzer beater. At a time when we didn't have much of anything over LSU.

Well fuck you too, Andy Kennedy. You have recruited exactly one player who has proven to be anywhere near as talented as those three were. I know their contributions - especially Bam's - can largely be attributed to AK's system and coaching, but why throw them under the bus like that? And those comments had the underlying theme that the players he would be bringing in would be head and shoulders better than those guys. Again, its year 3, and that simply is NOT the case.

I guess what I'm saying is this: If two trips to the NIT with someone else's players are sufficient enough to make excuses for a lush who spends the night in jail before the biggest game of the season, then what in the hell is considered inexcusable to this fanbase? Is the NIT worth sacrificing our dignity? Would we react this way if Rod Barnes got arrested the night before a game on national television? Take your "I love Ole Miss and everything associated with it" blinders off and ask yourself those three questions.

In all sincerity, we all love Ole Miss. The key is to avoid loving Ole Miss like a child loves his mommy - "Mommy can do no wrong so I'll defend everything she does." The key is to love Ole Miss like a spouse - to care enough to call her out when she is acting inappropriately.

Oh yeah, we lost the game.

Andy Kennedy Speaks! (sort of)

2008-12-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

Alright this is the last I'll be updating until tonight after work. Probably have something up around the time we're getting embarassed on multiple levels on ESPN (Damn you, ESPN). Anyhow, the guy that covers Ole Miss for the Clarion-Ledger spoke to Steven Kennedy, who had apparently already spoken with his brother, Andy, about this whole taxi thing. Here is what Stevie had to say:

"The team had its normal team meeting at about 11 p.m. and then the coaches went out for a late-night dinner with some friends that Andy had when he was in Cincinnati. After they were done, they were leaving dinner and hailed a taxi. The taxi driver pulled up and the coaches (Kennedy, Bill Armstrong, Michael White, Owen Miller and Torrey Ward) piled into the car. Kennedy was in the front. The cab driver decides that he won't take all five guys, he'll only take four, and he started calling coach Ward (who is black) the 'N' word, so Kennedy says they'll get another cab. The cab hadn't moved, but the driver demanded that six dollars be paid. At this point, Kennedy got out of the cab and went to another cab directly behind them and asked the second driver if he would take five people. That cab driver said yes. But when the coaches tried to get out of the first cab, the cab driver locked the back doors and drove about 100 feet with the four assistants in the back. Kennedy was standing on the curb. Apparently, some words were said in the cab and the cops were called. When the police showed up, the cab driver said Kennedy punched him and called him racial slurs. So the cops, who Andy said were nice, but had to do their jobs, put him in handcuffs and put him into the squad car. At that point, Armstrong started saying stuff like this is bull s--- and he ended up getting arrested as well. But Andy never touched the cab driver or called him any names. They spent six hours in jail for this. It's amazing that someone can just make an accusation and someone gets thrown into jail."

Weirdly, Kennedy's other brother, Donnie, also claimed to have his own version of events. He provided the Clarion-Ledger with his version of what was said after Kennedy entered the vehicle.

Kennedy: Jesus, man, could you change the channel?

Cab Driver: Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin' cab!

Kennedy: I had a rough...

Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out!

Kennedy: Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!

Oh Boy. The Beginning of the End of AK?

2008-12-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

Ok,

1.) I don't feel bad for posting this because there are only about 12 random people who check this blog daily anyway (I'm looking at you, Englewood, CO. Thanks.), and

2.) It was gonna get out there anyway.

Still, I somehow still feel like I'm contributing to the demise of a very good coach by letting you know about Andy Kennedy's latest bit of assholery. This could be really, really messy, gang. Make no bones about it: he could get fired over this. I certainly hope not, but the University of Mississippi, when it comes to racism, lives in a fishbowl. I'm very busy at work today, but I'll do my best to stay on top of this situation and keep you posted.

Honestly though, before I get back to work here, is there anybody who is really surprised to see the news after clicking that link? If I had a nickel for everytime Andy Kennedy was just wrecked, bellied up at the Sports Bar, hitting on some 20 year old girl, I wouldn't have to be working right now. I know this is a knee-jerk reaction, but its hard for me to have sympathy for someone who has great talent and great opportunity, but wants to throw it all away to put a buzz on and look at college girls. Why in the hell was he out until the wee hours of the morning, anyway?

Further, I find it ironic that the one place his whole "I don't give a shit, I'm Billy Badass" charade caught up to him was back in Cincinatti. I mean, I would imagine that somebody could reasonable expect to get away with these antics in a major city, where its easier to get lost in the crowd. Its when he brought that show to Oxford, where literally 98% of the population could recognize him as he's barfing behind a dumpster, that he could've easily be penalized for acting like a lush. Somehow though, it took a return trip to Cincy for that to happen. You can't make this stuff up.

By the way, Lousiville is liable to beat us by 40 tonight. Oh boy, indeed.

Update # 1: POSTED: 8:18 am EST December 18, 2008
UPDATED: 9:38 am EST December 18, 2008

CINCINNATI -- A former interim University of Cincinnati's head men's basketball coach was arrested early Thursday on an assault charge.
A complaint filed in Hamilton County Municipal Court states that Andy Kennedy "punched (the) victim with a closed fist while shouting racial slurs," at 550 Walnut Street at about 1 a.m.
The victim is listed as cab driver Mohammed Jiddou.
No other information has been released so far.

Stream of consciousness thoughts as this thing plays out:

This is not going away. The more I hear about this, the worse it gets for Kennedy. Yes, he went to jail sometime around 1:00 this morning. I did that once. I was 18 years old and it was my birthday and the University Police Department thought I'd had a few too many to be in public. Not exemplary behavior, but... I was 18 year old.

Andy Kennedy is a grown ass man, but more importantly an ambassador of the University of Mississippi, which is completely different than being an ambassador to any other school in the nation on this one little issue: race. We are the only school in the nation that had a riot in the 60's...FROM THE RIGHT. We have been in a perpetual state of damage control for the past 46 years because people from all over the south decided to infiltrate our campus and make us their battle ground. We have apologized, and damage controlled, and media relationed and statue erected until we were blue in the face. All of us, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US, take the blame for things like this. I have told myself that I was going to try and quit using curse words on this blog but I am sorry I cannot because I cannot, for the life of me, quit trying to figure out just WHAT IN THE MOTHERFUCK WERE YOU THINKING, Andy? Why? I am so tired of having to defend the University against ignorant assholes who think we're all backwards and what do you do but hand them a fresh arsenal of ammunition. This is literally making me sick - like nauseated sick.

I will not be surprised, nor saddened, if Kennedy is gone by tip-off tonight. By the time the ESPN crew talks about Ole Miss' tumultuous past for the first 20 minutes, by the time we've all seen the Meredith footage coming out of commercial break, by the time I finish my fourth bourbon drink and am ready to punch a hole in the wall, I think most every one will agree with me: Kennedy needs to be gone. Yesterday. Good riddance.

More updates to follow.

Update # 2: From Cincinatti.com Posted at 9:38 a.m.

Kennedy has hired attorney Mike Allen to represent him. Allen pleaded
not guilty on behalf of his client this morning. He said Kennedy "emphatically denies this and emphatically denies making any racial slurs.

So I think paying attention to the comments section on news sights is just an exercise in stupidity, as any dummy with a keyboard can weigh in. All the morons come out of the woodwork. Check any comment section on a youtube video for proof. The reason I say as much is because the Hotty Toddy Blog is urging people to notice all of the comments in the above link claiming that Cincinatti's troubled racial makeup has produced other "false alarm" race card pullings in the past. Take that for what its worth. Personally, I don't think its worth much at all.

Maybe I am being a bit reactionary here. But listen: even if Kennedy never said a word during this altercation, even if he never threw the first punch, why in the world is he out at 1:00 a.m. in Cincinatti the night before his struggling team plays its biggest game of the year on national television? Shouldn't he be thinking about Ole Miss basketball? At the very least, this shows a propensity for terrible, terrible judgement.

Update #3: From this website. Posted at 9:59 a.m.

The police report states that there was an unrelated witness who saw the incident.Kennedy is charged with misdemeanor assault. He has a court appearance set for 12:30 today but he will not have to appear if an attorney makes an appearance and enters a written plea on his behalf.

This is not "he said" vs. "he said". There's a witness. Also, in the first quasi-silver lining news of the day, Deadspin has the story as "Mississippi State's Coach Arrested." Sure that won't be the last time that happens today. So we got that going for us.

Update #4: Details steadily emerging:

Also arrested was William Armstrong, the director of operations at Mississippi, on a charge of disorderly conduct, reports show.
Reports state Armstrong, 31, was drunk and thrown out of the Lodge Bar downtown early this morning.
After that, he and Kennedy got a cab. A report says Armstrong taunted the driver “in which his conduct was likely to cause a violent response.”A separate report says Kennedy “was the aggressor” and punched the driver, Mohammed Ould Jiddou. During the attack Kennedy used “racial slurs.”

Kennedy has hired former Hamilton County Prosecutor Mike Allen to represent him. Allen entered a not guilty plea on behalf of his client this morning. He said Kennedy "emphatically denies this and emphatically denies making any racial slurs."Police say a person standing nearby witnessed the assault and that Armstrong was so intoxicated he refused to calm down when asked and requested that he be taken to jail.

Mitchell Diggs, the assistant director of media at Mississippi, said the school's athletic director and chancellor are meeting about the situation. No decision has been made about whether Kennedy will coach tonight.

This keeps getting worse for the University. Now, not only is the coach suspected of being a backwards, militant lush, but so is someone from inside the University's current administration. Again, Kennedy is emphatically denying everything - except that he was housed at 1:00 a.m. the morning of the biggest game of the season. It will be interesting to see if he's on the sideline tonight. I've got to get to work, but will post updates periodically. What. A. Shitshow.

BTW, this here is Bill Armstrong.

Update #'s 5 and 6, collectively:

First, legit Cincinatti Journalist Paul Dougherty blogs a little hope into the situation.

"Yep, actually talked to Someone Who Would Know just a few minutes ago. He said the cabbie dropped a racial slur on a member of Andy's party as they got into the cab... AK and his four companions, all his assistant coaches, got out of the cab and hailed another. As they were on their way back to their hotel, cops pulled them over and charged AK with assault. My source said AK assaulted no one and has 4 eyewitnesses to swear to it. Given what I know of Kennedy from having covered him as a head coach and as Huggins' top assistant, I believe this account."

So there's that. Maybe Kennedy didn't do anything at all. Maybe this is why the other blogs were with-holding their knee-jerk reactions. Still, guy was out at 1:00 a.m. and also, we're still dealing with crap like being on the front page of espn.com:

10 to 1 odds ESPN doesn't post a follow up story if Kennedy is found innocent. Theoretically, if this was all like a big hoax and the real Andy Kennedy is just now finding out about all this and laughing because some other tall bald white guy named Andy Kennedy got arrested last night, and everyone was just totally wrong about this entire thing...I still give ESPN 4 to 1 odds of posting a retraction. Eff ESPN.

My Body, My Soul, My Team: They're Not for Sale.

2008-12-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

Honey dont walk out Im too drunk to follow /You know you wont feel this way
tomorrow
Well, maybe Im a little rough around the edges / Inside a little
hollow
I get faced with some things sometimes that are so hard to swallow
Hey hey hey I was born a rebel
--- Tom Petty, Rebels

You've all heard about this already. The thing about the Michigan fan who is so upset with his team that after a few losing seasons :gasp!: he decided to sell his loyalty on eBay. You know about it. So I'm not gonna run down the whole process of how he came to be a "fan" of our beloved "Mississippi" Rebels.

So you've already heard about it, and you've heard everyone else's opinion about it, and everyone else's opinion is exactly the same as mine. But I can't let this go. Tellingly anononymous and confused Michigan fan, you've tossed the proverbial softball into our little corner of the blogosphere. So here goes.

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that I am far from your prototypical apologist Ole Miss fan. I have torn down a goal post. I've been there when we've won games in Death Valley. I've cooked out and hosted frieds at two Super Regionals. We went to the Sweet Sixteen while I was in school. I can say, without hesitation, that Ole Miss athletics have provided some of the most thrilling, heart warming, unabashedly joyous moments of my life. I'd also like to point out - to all the Michigan fans taking this opportunity to say things like "OLE' MISS?!??! He gave us up for OLE' MISS??? LOLZZZZ!1!!!1!!!!1!!111 :(" - we've won just as many bowl games as you have. Sugars, Cottons, etcetera. We've won National Championships. People have disputed our Championships, but if you're going to discredit them, you're going to discredit the whole system. But that's a topic for another day.

I'm not here to talk about our wins, though. I'm here to talk about our losses, and more specifically, the style in which we lose. Because anonymous Michigan fan - we'll call you Timmy Timmerson - you mentioned how much it "hurt" to be a Wolverines fan. Umk Tim. Let's talk about "hurt".

Bryce, this is Tim Timmerson. Tim, Bryce Drew. Now Timmy, in this picture here, ol' Bryce isn't just hitting a miraculous last second shot for one of the most improbable upsets in NCAA Tournament history. He isn't just knocking out the No. 3 seed in the first round. He isn't just posturing for all the cameras, the ones that will replay this moment during every video montage intro to the Big Dance for the next couple of decades (and counting). No, Tim. What he's doing here is launching a frozen sledgehammer at your soul's crotch. What's that? You didn't think souls had crotches? They do. And everytime you see this image, or catch one of those montages, or ESPN comes up with some contrived corporately sponsored thing like "Vote online for Mitsubishi's Shot of the Century" during March, and they replay this God awful thing, Tim, your soul's balls get crushed with a frozen sledgehammer tossed from about 40 feet away. Welcome aboard, buddy!

And that's not the worst of it, friend. There's another play that the media just loves to make guys like me and you live through everytime something even remotely related happens. When Ivan Maisel or some other hack gets bored and comes up with some arbitrary list of "The Top 10 Plays that Shook the Earth" - trust me on this one, Timmy - he's going to reference Billy Cannon's punt return against Ole Miss in 1959. Nevermind that Ole Miss beat Cannon's LSU team later that season in the Sugar Bowl. They want to talk about this punt return. But its not even a punt return, Tim. Billy's not carrying the pig skin in that picture. He's not heading for the endzone. That photo is of Billy galloping through your new "Rebel aorta", evading white blood cells on his way to the center of your heart. And that's a football shaped dirty bomb. And Cannon's just a jihadist, just killing you a little bit on the inside everytime some producer at CBS needs some filler during a long timeout. Praise be to Allah, Tim! We're glad you're here.

Of course, there are your run-of-the-mill spirit murdering losses that are simply too numerous to list. But since you're a new Reb, you're going to be expected to do a little homework, buddy. Go ahead and Google "Doyle Jackson" for me. Then give me a 10 page report on whether its legal to throw a flag on a replay (Hint: Your thesis should include the phrases "trick question" and "We Are...Ole Miss"). Google "Jamarcus Russel" + Overtime + "scoop and score" - in no particular order. Give me a synopsis on when the phrase "fumbled on the one" stopped being a figure of speech for choking away an opportunity in your personal life and started being a very real, new way to shatter your hopes for a season.

I'll even give you a Cliff's Notes type of assignment. Just run and go look at the final scores of our losses from the past five years. Run and look that up real quick. Tell me when you see a pattern developing here, Timothy. I'll give you the answer for the last three years only, because quite frankly I haven't had my prozac yet and this little exercise in depression here is beginning to take its toll. Eleven. Eleven games over the past three years that we've lost by one possession or less. Tell me, Tim: Do you think it "hurts" more to a.) be just good enough and hard headed enough to consistently believe you're going to upset the best teams in the best conference in the nation, only to have those teams snatch away victory in the last minute of the game 4 times a year or b.) to have two losing seasons in Ann Arbor, one of which being under a first year head coach who is trying to implement an offensive system that requires the type of athlete who currently is not enrolled at the University of Michigan? Are you getting the picture, Tim?

I know this thing on eBay was fun for you, man. I know you donated the $300 you raised to a good charity. This whole thing was a prat fall you took for the amusement of your family and friends, else why would you not show your face on your video, right? But you did burn a good bit of Michigan paraphernalia. And that gives just enough viability to the idea that you are actually considering pulling for the University of Mississippi because, amazingly, you think it will "hurt" less. Nah, Tim. You don't know a damn thing about pain. At risk of sounding repetitive, pain and defeat are part and parcel of being a Rebel, man. A Rebel is, inherently, intimate with defeat. And a Rebel, inherently and stubbornly, believes that defeat is part of his past but not his future. He is forever arriving and yet he never arrives. Its a paradox, Timmy, one that you will never understand, and one that leaves us all in a very palpable world of hurt. And while there's plenty of room on the bandwagon, we do not have a spot for a turncoat who burns his gear after a couple of bad seasons.

Do yourself a favor, Tim. Protect your identity. Buy a new, like, Chad Henne jersey, or something. And on opening day next season, when everyone is undefeated and there is hope to be had again, wade anonymously into what I can only imagine is an asphalt-bound Michigan tailgating scene and just pretend this whole thing never happened. We'll all be glad to forget this entire production.

Guess You Won't be Needing these Alarm Clocks or Pillows...

2008-12-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

Bling

Frebs has a good friend who is married to the daughter of a recently unemployed assistant coach at Auburn (contacts, a good blog must have contacts). He's a pretty good guy. A fan of Ole Miss, but contractually bound to pull for Auburn for the last few years. Nice as can be. Except for during bowl season, at which point he becomes insufferable.

For the past five years or so, said friend returns from whatever bowl Auburn has been to with a sack slung over his shoulder full of loot that these bowls heap on the participants and their families. You'll find serious bling in these gift packages. Jewelry. Expensive electronics. Nice clothing. The point is that players generally make out like bandits during bowl season, having found a nice little loop hole in that whole "NCAA athletes don't get paid" thing.

Now imagine, for a second, that you are Jason Cook. You have spent the last four years of your life busting your ass for Ole Miss, playing the least rewarding position on the field. Every year when you go home for Christmas, your smarmy brother is there, just smiling, with a new sack of loot he just got from whatever third-tier bowl South Carolina played in. You've waited your entire collegiate career to get that glib asshole back. Finally, in your senior season, your team is headed to one of the more prestigious bowls in the nation, and you just know you'll be the Fortunate Son at this year's family gathering. And then some asshole with a blog posts this report about what players get from each of the bowls this year. Ugh*:

2008 BOWL GIFTS TO PARTICIPANTS

New Mexico•

RCA video camcorder
Oakley Holeshot Three-Hand watch
Oakley beanie; New Era cap
Ogio travel bag, Oakley backpack
One-year ESPN The Magazine subscription

Pioneer Las Vegas•
Wii System bundle package
Oakley Holeshot Three-Hand watch
Oakley Hijinx sunglasses; hat

Sheraton Hawaii•
Kicker iKick500 iPod/iPhone dock
Kahala Aloha shirt, Oakley Hijinx sunglasses
Oakley backpack

Meineke Car Care•
Pure Digital Flip mini-camcorder
Fossil watch
Fossil sunglasses
Armor Gear backpack

Independence•

Timely Watch Co. watch
New Era cap
Trek mountain bike

Valero Alamo•
Sony 80-gigabyte PS3 system with game
Fossil watch

Pacific Life Holiday•

Insignia LCD 19-inch HDTV/DVD
Tourneau watch
Sport-Tek hooded sweatshirt
$45 Best Buy gift card

Brut Sun•

Sony DVD Handycam
Timely Watch Co. watch
Majestic fleece pullover, VP Sports cap
Armor Gear Dolly Llama luggage
Brut hair dryer

Insight •
Vizio 26-inch LCD HDTV
Bulova watch
Hat

Chick-fil-A •
Fossil watch
Two Russell hats
Russell travel bag
$300 Visa gift card; Chick-fil-A gift card

Konica Minolta Gator•
Bulova watch; Jostens ring
Oakley Split Thump MP3 sunglasses; fitted cap
Two-piece Mercury Luggage rolling duffel and sling bag

Rose Bowl presented by Citi •

Sony DVD camcorder
Fossil watch
Oakley sunglasses; New Era 59fifty hat
Ogio backpack
One-year ESPN The Magazine subscription

FedEx Orange •

Gifting suite; $300 in Sony Electronics^
Tourneau watch
New Era 59fifty hat; Crocs
Ogio backpack

AT&T Cotton•
Watch

AutoZone Liberty
Pure Digital Flip mini-camcorder
Fossil watch
Fossil sunglasses
Armor Gear backpack

Allstate Sugar•
Sony MP3 Walkman; Sony Blu-Ray player
Timely Watch Co. watch
New Era cap

Tostitos Fiesta•
Myvu personal media viewer; Apple iPod Nano
Kenneth Cole watch
Hat

FedEx BCS National Championship Game•
Gifting suite; $300 in Sony Electronics^
Tourneau watch
New Era 59fifty Hat; Crocs
Ogio duffle bag

* Chart was paired down for brevity's sake. The point is that even the most obscure bowls are seemingly giving out better gifts than the Cotton. Of course, for all we know, the watch is diamond encrusted or something. I would imagine its a fairly nice custom deal. But really, I'm not that far removed from being a college student myself, and I'd take the Alamo Bowl's gift package over our's in a heartbeat.

Patrick Willis is Pretty Good at Football

2008-12-10T09:51:00.001-08:00

Still don't know how to post video straight to the page here, but I can always just link to things like P. Willie obliterating Jets wide receivers over the middle. I might get NFL Gameplan just to be able to watch this guy every Sunday.

It's Official: We Get Leach in the Cotton Bowl...Maybe.

2008-12-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

I mean, we definitely will get Ta Tech in the Cotton Bowl. Which is pretty excellent. If you'd have told me before the season that we would play a top-10 team in the Cotton Bowl this year, I probably would have told you to keep your face out of my face. What's more? Right now I feel like we'll win this thing. But we've got just under a month to flesh that out.

The point of this post is this: Are we even gonna see the Pirate Captain on January 2? Some folks don't think so. And while, apparently, Washington has passed on Leach, and Auburn claims it isn't interested, we've still got a month until the game. And there are lots of openings right now, with more likely to come. And this guy is actively campaigning to get out of Lubbock.

What type of message does this send to the Raider team? The players can say G-rated things to the media all day long, but I don't see how they can't be a little distracted by all this. Not only distracted, but perhaps offended. If Leach isn't there at the Cotton Bowl, I fully expect them to turn in a half-assed effort. A la the Nutt-less Razorbacks last season. Just sayin'.

Rebs (and traitorous former Rebs) on the Wire

2008-12-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

Its been a rough week at the office this week, and thus I apologize for disappointing all three of you who expect a daily post here at Forward Rebels. What makes this lack of posting / laziness all the more inexcusable is that there is much to talk about, Reb fans. I mean, two of our rivals fired their coaches, AK and crew were on TV against West Va last night, Peria and Mike got snubbed by the Conerly Trophy people, we still don't know where we'll spend New Year's and the Swamp People discovered Youtube just in time to blast a friend of Forward Rebs.

But before we get started looking into all this, I'd like to be the first to thank the writers of the Office, not only for being the funniest show on television, but also for allowing Ken Tremendous to make a cameo in tonight's episode. The show was obviously paying tribute to Fire Joe Morgan's exit from the bloggosphere when it decided to bring back Mose Schrute, Dwight's scary-backwoods, axemurdery, character-from-Deliverance, beet-farming cousin. In his most recent appearance, Mose pegged Andy in the head with a basketball. It literally made me spew the Dr. Pepper I was drinking.

Good shot, Mose!

Ok, without further ado:

As you've no doubt heard, Tommy Tubz stepped aside this week at Auburn. To summarize, I'm at once confused, excited, pleased in a jilted lover type of way, and curious. Obviously, all Ole Miss people should be a little pleased with a guy who fled Oxford under the cover of night to go to Auburn getting canned after a horrible season. Its kinda like watching your whorish ex-wife get a divorce from the guy she left you for. But in all honesty, why would Auburn do this? Who do they think they're gonna pull in? Whose got the cajones to place themselves in a situation where if you don't beat Nick Saban every year, you'll probably be gone after three seasons? Also, good for Ole Miss. I mean, between Aubs and State re-tooling for the foreseeable future, and with LSU down, and with Arkansas likely still re-building and learning next year...dare I say it...from the outset we look to have decent odds at a trip to Atlanta. Seriously. We swap Florida for Tennessee from the East next year. We can and should beat Vandy and South Carolina. All that's in the way is an Alabama squad who beat us by 4 this year. And we get them at home. Hmmmmm... but anywho, the more I learn about Tubs' recent track record, the less I can villainize Auburn. I mean, the guy hadn't exactly been tearing up the recruiting trails lately. From Jay Coulter, an Alabama sports journalist:

"I’ve been given access to the recruitment of a five star athlete (class of
2010) that is being recruited by most every school in the Southeast and really across the country. This kid has Auburn at the very top of his list. He’s been
to three games on campus this year as an unofficial visitor. Again, this is a
five star recruit. He’s visited with Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Mark Richt, Rich Brooks and Bobby Johnson during unofficial visits this year. He’s gotten alone time with each of them before games.
Hugh Nall is recruiting this kid and has been pretty good. Do you know how many times he’s spoken with Tuberville? Zero.
Nada. Not once has Tuberville introduced himself prior to the game. Nall wants to sign him badly. But yet Tubs has not made one effort in the process.
In contrast (this will make you sick), Nick Saban faxes this kid prior to each game on Friday with a handwritten note. He then follows up with a handwritten note mailed to him on Monday congratulating him on the prior week’s performance. How many notes has he received from Tuberville? Zero."

The point is this: Tubby is burned out. The Starkville rumors don't bother me one bit. He doesn't have the fire to seriously compete in the SEC any more, especially not at a school like Auburn where one 5 win season means you're jobless. That said, if the Tigers get Mike Leach, that could spell trouble in the long run. But I haven't ever been a longrunner. I'm looking at 2009 - 2010 as the Rebels' window of opportunity for Atlanta. And a daytripping, Pirate shipping, just plain weird Mike Leach at Auburn won't factor into those two years anyway you slice it. Also, FWIW, the homer blogs say the Pirate Captain ain't a-goin nowhere.

Well, the basketball squad gave the game away in the waning moments last night against West Virginia, although in all honesty, I didn't expect us to hang around for that long in the first place. Granted, West Va's got very, very good rebounders on their squad, but it became apparent last night, if it wasn't already, that we are seriously hurting at the forward position. Barring somebody on our frontline making a miraculous turnaround, we look to be NIT bound again. That said, the SEC is purty durn turrible on the whole this year, so we might sneak into the Big Dance thanks to a weak conference slate. Also, its become painfully obvious that Dahveed is far and away our best player. And he's legitimately good. But he's also legitimately spastic. There's an alien exploration post coming to Forward Rebs soon.

Yeah. This guy.

Football Awards are Gay:Mike Oher is one of the three best offensive linemen in the nation. Cool. But wait, Mike Oher is not a better football player than a D-III quarteback, and therefore not the best football player in the state of Mississippi. *letting it sink in* Yep. Would I trade my empty can of Diet Tab for the Conerly Trophy? No. No I would not.

On a related note: Peria Jerry leads Terrence Cody in every defensive statistic they keep track of, and the two played half their games against the same offensive linemen. I've stated before that I wouldn't trade the Truth for 3 Mt. Codys. And yet, because Cody goes to Bammer, he gets the recognition. Seriously - and I could go on for days about this, but I'll try to be succinct - collegiate football awards are entirely subjective and thus are horse shit. From the Conerly Trophy on up to the Heisman, nay, on up to the AP Poll, all collegiate awards and rankings are horse shit. The Heisman trophy should go as a package prize to the number one overall pick in the NFL Draft. Eat shit if you disagree.

On the bowl watch, it really seems to me that the Cap One is a pipe-dream. I mean, why would the Cap One take an 8-4 team from 20 hours away over a 9-3 team from like (totally guessing) 5 hours away. Isn't the objective to reward good teams and also sell as many tickets as you can? That said, the Hotty Toddy Blog provides the most logical argument for us to go to Orlando yet in the whole debate. Still, methinks we're grasping for straws. Get your hotel in Dallas already.

Finally, some Swamp Folk discovered the webz. And then they proceeded to post a video of our good friend Ern on the web. Turns out if you kneel it out on the one-yard-line, LSU fans stop making out with eachother and start filming the celebration around them. Honestly, I would otherwise care less about this quasi-funny youtube video, but Ern is a friend of ours. And while he's clearly inebriated in the video, he doesn't deserve to be ridiculed by some swamp person with webbed feet. From what I've heard, Ern's having fun with the video, and probably soaking up the sympathy he's received at becoming the latest youtube sensation. Sympathy like this little post I'm writing right now. And for the record, Ern is more hetero than Peppy Le Pew. Like, painfully hetero. Oh well, nobody messes with my little buddy. It's my duty to protect him.

Me and Ern. To scale.

Post scriptum: Whenever you hear other, maybe more popular Ole Miss blogs just now catching on to the shark thing, please remember that you first heard about the Land Sharks at Forward Rebs. After all, if you were paying attention, you would've noticed Powe doing the dorsal fin at the Vandy game, like we did.

Laaaaaayyyyy-LA! (Kiffin's wife)

2008-12-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

So I know this is a bit of a change of pace, but we've got a while before the next game. And these pictures are floating around the netterwebs, and I needed another post for my "females" tag, anyway.

I for one think the Kiffin hire at UT could go either way. Say what you want about the guy's lack of experience, if he brings the Ogre on as a D-Line coach I am worried about where they could be in 3 years. That said, since the Rebs pick up UT next year, if Orgeron is on that sideline look for the older guys on our team to play above their heads. Paricularly one large gentleman named John Jerry, in re: the whole Georgia game "We just don't have SEC caliber players" debacle.

Also, the addition of Kiffin's dad would also be a great hire for the Vols. Seriously, this could work out well for them provided everyone gets along. Of course that's never a given as long as the Ogre is anywhere near Layla Kiffin.

If she'd only give him a chance...

Mulling it Over: From the Beaches of Amity Island

2008-12-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

Gi. Ggi. Tty.

HN: Oh hey there Frebs! Heh, Frebby-man! The Frebster! Frebby-reb-reb! Heh, what's up there, bud?

FR: Oh. Hey Coach. Good to see you again. Sorry I'm not feeling well (again) but apparently sitting out in a damp, cool, drizzly afternoon for three-hours isn't the best thing to do when you're battling a headcold. Don't think the whole cheap whiskey thing helped much either.

HN: Aw hell, Frebelicious, you stayed for that whole damn game? Thing was over before my first Gatorade break man. You shoulda left after Dex hit the sideline and turned north on that first little TD scamper, bud.

FR: You may be right, old pal. Anyhow, helluva win there. You may not know it yet, but you'll make and keep a whole lotta friends in our little hamlet if you keep beating the pants off of LSU and State. Just you wait and see.

HN: Listen little bud, if I wanted to hear "good game" I'd just call up Sylvester again. He uh, he quit answerin my calls at midnight. Said something about a meeting with his boss. Whatev. Listen gimme the skinny on this win. You think we got a defensive line, or what?

FR: Well Houston I guess I'll answer that question with a little story. I went to Catholic school, see, and because of some type of beef between the church itself and the Mississippi Private School Association, I wasn't able to play sports against other kids that looked like me. I don't know how much you know about Mississippi's public school system, Houston, but let me just tell you there aren't many 5'7 130 pound white kids on any of the public schools' basketball rosters that I'm aware of, at least not the ones we played against.

As you might imagine, this caused some problems for my teams throughout school. I only mention all this because I remember one particular game from Jr. High when my basketball squad was playing our crosstown rivals from O'Bannon. Heading into the fourth quarter on that fateful night in Greenville, we hadn't scored a single basket. The score was literally 60 - 0 by the time me and my fourth-string friends entered the game. I quickly found out that the other team didn't care much about scoring any more. They had their own little game-within-the-game, one that involved (not joking here) a point system based off of how high up in the bleachers they could swat one of our shots. Blocked shots that didn't leave the court got zero points. Blocked shots that made it to the student section (down low) got five points. The higher the ball landed in the stands, the more poinits, ya see? It was demoralizing.

I only mention all this because after watching several replays of the Egg Bowl, its obvious our defense had a similar game-within-the-game going on. There's a youtube video floating around the webs that shows each of our sacks. Its obvious that our players don't even get excited for the shoe-string tackles, the "qb conceding the sack" type hits. But when they lower the boom, a la Jamarca Sanford on MSU's third-string guy's first play, they go ape shit. They throw up the dorsal fin. They start talking smack --- to eachother. It's like they're challenging themselves to be more destructive. Can you see me smiling, Coach? A Rebel defense with a swagger? I effing love that shit.

HN: Uh, did you say something about Catholic school girls? Giggi...

FR: Easy Coach. I ain't done.

Amid all the defensive love, we shouldn't overlook the fact that we just put up 45 points against a solid SEC defense. Say what you will about how terrible the Bulldogs were this year, they had a legit defense that featured some SEC caliber talent. And don't listen to anyone tell you that they gave up after it got lopsided. We put up 24 points in the first quarter - meaning they were still keyed up - of a rivalry game that they looked at as their only bowl game this year. Jevan did his efficient thing, minus one throw, and the WRs (Mike Wallace) proved once again that they are the most underrated unit in the SEC. BTdubs, Hootie, check plus for that play action bomb just before half.

HN: Yeah I figured you'd like that. Listen, heh, Frebbalebadingdong, what say you about uh, about these bowls? Orlando? Dallas?

FR: Well, much like everyone else, Coach, I guess it all comes down to the opponent for me. Orlando would be fun, but only if we're embarrassing Jim Tressel again. The media coverage there would be wonderful for our program, no doubt about it. But, should tOSU sneak into the BCS bowls (likely) I don't want to wind up playing Michigan State if we could be beating up on super weird / Adult Attention Deficit Disorderite Mike Leach. After all, beating up on a top-10 school who's fans don't think we deserve to be there in the first place would just be the perfect cherry on top of this season.

Like most of our fans, Hootie, there are really only about 6 teams in the nation that I don't want to play right now. We may be all starry-eyed and delusional, but after the last four years, I can't fight this feeling anymore. Oh, to have the Truth and DK fully healthy during the Wake and Vandy games. Ah, to have another shot at Alabama now that we've figured out how to play defense and hold onto the ball. Them's the breaks I guess.

A short note to Leach, Tressel, et. al.

2008-11-29T15:14:00.000-08:00

Listen fellas, this:

does not a gameplan make. Stick to the x's and o's, aight? Also, Leach, in light of this Baylor game we're watching here, uh...

You're going to need a bigger boat, you weirdo nerd.

Croom Relives the Horror; Takes a Bow

2008-11-29T13:02:00.000-08:00

Aye, but we floated with character...

The scene: aboard the Orca, first light just creeping over the horizon. The ship's three passengers are weary. After a long night of drinking, the crew still has the refrain of "Oh what shall we do with you seven Spanish ladies" running through their heads. A delirious, somber mood has suddenly overtaken them, as the reality of their predicament settles in again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd Scene:

Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus/Greg Byrne) - "You were on the Indianapolis?"

Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider/Mark Keenum) - "What happened?"

Quint (Robert Shaw/Sly Croom) - "Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We was comin' back from a win in Starkville over Petrino. A week away from the offseason. Solid class comin' in. We'd just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. One game left, see. Smooth sailin, right? Well, eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 15 minutes.

Didn't see the first shark for about five minutes. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week.

Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that shark he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away.

Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces.

You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Wide receiver. Boson's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist.

At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later they started to pick us up. Called the game. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, November 28, 2008.

Anyway, we delivered the bomb. I'll just leave you men to yourselves now.

:Quint/Croom exits the hull, jumps overboard:

:Lights slowly fade to black, leaving the two men in stunned silence:

Truthiness

2008-11-24T11:23:00.001-08:00

Silver lining, Jarrett. Your day's over and you didn't throw any TD's to the other team.

Off to never neverland...

Just came across this picture and decided it was too much not to share. The gentleman in red there is far and away the scariest human being on the planet. Yeah. It's Shark Week, Sly. Bring your floaties. More images of the coming destruction to follow.

Ed.: Its worth noting that the Oracle spake thusly: "Peria will be foremost on (Lee's) mind."

Mulling it Over: Despite a Moral Hangover

2008-11-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

HN: Ha ha hoooooo. Hey hey Frebs! Hows it hangin, bud? I'm just livin it up, just lovin life. Just lovin this school here and this here helmet. Pleased as pie. Walkin on sunshine. Happier than a pig in shit! Get it!?! A PIG!!! hahahaha! IN SHIT!!! Like Arkansas!

FR: Uh yeah, hey coach. I get it.

HN: Well, lil' buddy, you're not looking too good. I mean, ha, we just uh, just beat LSU.

FR: Believe me coach, I know. I celebrated after the game like Randy Marsh on election night. Dancing. Hollering. Calling the dinosaurs. I'm paying for it today, ya see.

HN: Aw hell Frebs. Grow a pair and let me know what I need to know about these Rebels following that win.

FR: *Sigh* I'll try, Houston. I'll try.

First and foremost, Houston, lets see the forest for the trees here. Big time players show up in big time games. I know you come to me for "insight" and "details" and stuff, but the most obvious observation is also the most important one: Jevan Snead and Peria Jerry are men among boys. Just because they're your best players doesn't mean that we shouldn't mention that sometimes. Now believe me when I tell you that I wish Jevan would turn in that performance every game, but there is something comforting in the knowledge that the guy shows up in a big way when the lights are at their brightest. His three best games have come against ranked opponents and on the road. As for the Truth, Coach, he went ahead and settled things for me, personally, on Saturday. My firstborn, boy or girl, will be named Peria. Wife won't even have a say in the matter. Little Peria Frebs "Sharky" Barnes.

HN: Yeah, ha. I figured you'd say that about Peria. Djoo see him hit that backup QB? You know, the one who was only in the game because Peria demolished the guy in front of him?

FR: Yeah I saw th...

HN: Man alive! I thought that Jefferson kid was going to come up headless. I mean, huh, I like Peria and everything but I uh, I ain't trying to kill nobody Frebs.

FR: It was LSU, Coach. Que sera sera.

Now, after the watching the game, Coach, I will say I'm a little disappointed with CBS. I mean, it had been a long week at the office. Weather had been bad. Dealing with some things at home. All I want in this life is to settle in on Saturday afternoon, knock back a few brews, and learn a little bit about my man Herman Johnson! But Nooooo! CBS panned back to the damn FOOTBALL GAME like three times right in the middle of the "Ode to Herman Johnson" they were running in the first quarter. Come the fuck on Verne! I'm tryin to hear about the demi-god Hermanus here! So far, all I know is that he loves macaroni and peach cobbler, and that his favorite movie is Madagascar. And of course, he was the biggest baby in the history of the universe. I expect a full apology from CBS, and an "Ode to Herman, Vol. II" during next week's LSU / Arkansas game.

HN: Uh, what? Is that the big fella on their OL?

FR: Yeah Hootie don't worry about it. DK ruined the very last play that guy will ever have at his home field. Way to show up for your obligatory one play, DK.

Anyhow, other than Peria and Jevan, you've also gotta give game balls to the following people, in this order: Kendrick Lewis, Mike Wallace, Tony Fein, Big Mike and Rob Park.

HN: Rob Park?

FR: Yes, Robbie. Did you see when the cheater/mini-me Trindon Holliday waved everybody off, then picked the ball up and started to run, despite the clearly audible whistles from all the refs that made all of our players stop and head for the sideline? Remember? And then all the Carnie Folk in the stands started booing loudly? Well, Rob Park chased the little booger down into the endzone and patted him on the helmet and obviously said something smart assed.

HN: Aw hell he wasn't being a smart ass. Rob told me he just told the kid that he loved his work in Bad Santa.

OK Coach, I know everybody is going to be asking you about this, but I'd like to go on the record and say that I'm glad we kneeled it out on the one yard line. Not entirely because its classy, but because it is simultaneously demoralizing. NOTHING says "I'm better than you" than actually having to show mercy to your enemy. You know those bastards hated that. Even though that cheating DE came in and tried to take a cheap shot, we still did the right thing. And mercifully for him, I think Daverin Geralds or somebody got into Big Mike's ear and convinced him that he didn't need to pulverize the unsuspecting DE.

HN: Well, we had to have a little mercy, Frebs. I mean, huh, we dominated those Carnies for four quarters. All phases of the game, Frebs. Also, before I forget, Coach Nix told me to tell that Oracle bitch to go drink some bleach. "Big things for Charles Scott?" Yeah, Tony Fein gave him a big old cockpunch! Hayyyyoooooooo! Anyhow, this piece is supposed to be about what the win means, Frebs, so what can you tell me, you know, going forward?

FR: I can't tell you nothing, Coach. Go on with your bad self. In all sincerity, it means a lot to us to see our players searching you out after a big play, just for a high five. It means a lot to see them smiling on the sidelines. They love you, and perhaps surprisingly and maybe a little reluctantly, we do too, Coach. You are bat-shit crazy but we couldn't care less. Congratulations on a huge win, and keep 'em headed in the right direction. Forward.

Also, just a little FYI, it's Frebs' Sharkweek 2K8, Coach. Steer clear of the deep end.

The Oracle Speaketh

2008-11-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

The Magnolia Bowl? Well, let me see...

Lot of predictions being thrown around about tomorrow's big game. Based solely on personal observation, most of the Tiger fans are calling for *gasp* an LSU win, albeit by small margins. Apparently the Kool-Aid runneth over this week for Rebel fans, as the majority believe *gasp* Ole Miss will win by a substantial margin. But the Oracle cares not for these predictions. She told you not to eat the red pills. She tells you now not to drink the red Kool-Aid. Take it away, Big O.

Oracle: Well well well. This really is a paradox, young ones. Lets play a little game before I get started: The team I'm picking has a young, turnover prone quarterback. They have a highly touted offensive line. They have a very productive running attack. They have a monster at defensive tackle. They are vulnerable against the pass. And, child, they have at least one headcase that will be the deciding factor. Now, are you weeping? Are you smiling? Of course you are.

Understand that these teams have much in common. Much in common. We'll have to look a little closer to figure this one out.

When Ole Miss has the ball: Do you remember, child, the first two drives of the South Carolina game? When Bolden and Eason ran wild through gaps as wide as Jackson Avenue? Yes, I see a strong start for the ground game this time around, too. The Tigers will come out emotionally spent from the past two adrenaline draining games, flat from the atmosphere of Senior Day, and the Rebels will score a touchdown on the opening drive.

I see Jevan coming out crisp. I see Shay with a big catch early. But things will get tougher from there. Just as Jevan is finding his groove, Lester will discover that pressure is the key to stopping Ole Miss. He'll send six at a time at the quarterback, and the Rebel OL will begin to buckle.

To counter, Houston will try the Wild Rebel for two series in the second quarter, to decidedly bad results. The second half will depend upon how well Ole Miss can hold off the pass rush. Look for a screen to Bolden for a big gain. I see the freshman shining in front of a hometown crowd. I see him with two TDs. I see two costly turnovers for the team.

Born on the Bayou

When LSU has the ball: Remember, child, when I told you Ole Miss would score on the opening drive? Well this does not bode well early for the Tigers. Lester will want to run the score up early, and will foolishly test the Rebels deep. I see a deep drive, but a costly interception for Jarret Lee. He hears too much, child. He hears the boos. He sees the things they write. He sees Peria, too. Peria will be foremost in his mind.

My head ain't filled with nothing but cats and rockin' chairs

Nonetheless, the speedster Byrd will be too much for the Ole Miss secondary to contain. He'll have a touchdown. And Lee will finish with 200 yards.

He'll have enough big completions in the first half to loosen up the box for Charles Scott. I see big things for Mr. Scott, child. Big things. 150 yards types of things. Two TDs types of things. I see three turnovers for the Tigers. The last of which is crucial.

And in the end: I see the troubled one, the one you call DK, he will make a crucial stop on the last drive as LSU tries to take the lead for the first time all game. He jars the ball from Lee's hands as chemically-imbalanced meets emotionally unstable. I see the kicker Shene tacking on insurance points in the last minute of the game. I see the Rebels leaving victorious, 31-24. And when this happens, young one, Kentrell Lockett will establish the Magnolia Bowl's first mini-tradition. He will run to the Ole Miss section with the newly created trophy and go Happy Gilmore with it, placing it to his pelvis and thrusting wildly. The crowd will go wild. He will, indeed, have that wood.

A Real Cool Hand; Waiting for the Big One

2008-11-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

"It's all now you see. Yesterday wont be over until tomorrow and tomorrow began ten thousand years ago. For every Southern boy fourteen years old, not once but whenever he wants it, there is the instant when it's still not yet two oclock on that July afternoon in 1863, the brigades are in position behind the rail fence, the guns are laid and ready in the woods and the furled flags are already loosened to break out and Pickett himself with his long oiled ringlets and his hat in one hand probably and his sword in the other looking up the hill waiting for Longstreet to give the word and it's all in the balance, it hasn't happened yet, it hasn't even begun yet, it not only hasn't begun yet but there is still time for it not to begin..."

-- from Faulkner's Intruder in the Dust

Its already been one hell of an anticipatory week for college football fans. And not a real easy time to get any work done at the office for me. Every time I try to clear my head and get at the things that I do to pay the bills, I start to see it unfold all over again. We will be in that corner of the endzone at Tiger Stadium. It will be Senior Day - for all LSU's faults, I've got to admit that the way they handle Senior Day is first rate - and we'll be sitting there half-heartedly applauding when their guys come walking out of the opposite tunnel. We'll be polite but internally we'll be ready to explode. When the Rebels finally appear we'll erupt, though everybody watching at home on CBS will only hear the boo's. And we'll remember who we're dealing with. But in the moments before kick-off we will reach a fever pitch, only this time it'll be a little different.

See I've been reading what the other schools have been saying all week, too. There's a couple other pretty big rivalry games coming up and they, too, have a little different flavor to them this year. Like this one up in Ann Arbor. For the first time in recent memory, Michigan won't be bowling this year. Won't be playing for a piece of the Big 10. Won't be jockeying for BCS position. Won't be doing anything but laying everything they've got on the line in an effort to take down their blood rival. And Lord, are they ready. You'd have to think more so than they've ever been.

Ditto for Auburn. A team that's so used to being in the national picture in November has been whittled down to playing for nothing more than respect. Or for disrespect, depending on how you look at it. Tommy Tuberville's team has racked up 6 straight W's in the Iron Bowl, won damn near every one they've played this century. And in that time span Alabama's fans and various administrators have tried to play off the losses as if they simply don't mean that much. They'll tell you that the Iron Bowl means less than the National Title picture - one that the Tide is finally involved in after years of searching. I'd be willing to bet the Tiders are singing a different tune if things go down this year like they're supposed to. But 'supposed to' never amounts to much in these games. And Auburn's fans know that all too well.

These teams, see, they're going in for the first time in a while knowing that everyone discounts them. Funny how that "us against the world" thing molds, welds, congeals an entire program in the days leading up to the big one. With all due respect, Tigers and Wolverines, welcome to my world. Welcome to every third weekend in November for the Rebels. Welcome to this thing, this silly little contest between 18-22 year old students, that keeps me up at night. Because the past few years, as you know, things have been going crummy for the Rebels, much like they have for you this year. And it only makes it all the worse when that team and those people that you hate - and there is no other word for it but hate - is bringing home football-shaped chrystals in January. Yeah, we can empathize.

Except this year they are trying to take that mentality away from us. Vegas keeps bumping that line down, and Troy came in and did their thing last week, and we had that game in the Swamp and so on and the next thing you know these assholes are trying to tell me that a.) well, we're supposed to win, anyway and b.) they don't really consider us a rival anyhow. Nah, son. We're not gonna let you pre-emptively neuter the feeling we're going to take away from Saturday's game.

Just because you may or may not be in the midst of a shitty year, you cannot take away the essence of who we are. We're Rebels, you see. Rebels. And sometimes defeat is part and parcel of that whole thing.

But as you know, when we go down, we go down swinging. How else do you explain the scores from the past few years? Why else would a team in the midst of a two-time National Championship run need overtime to dispose of a team that was a year away from going winless in the SEC? We're not there for moral victories. We're not there for the symbolism of being 'rebellious.' Do you think you can convince Justin Vincent that Patrick Willis was just trying to be symbolic when he leveled him with what some have called the perfect tackle in a game that the Rebels supposedly had no business even being in? Do you think John Jerry was only trying to prove a small conciliatory point when he tore through the line to block an extra point as time expired in 2006? Better yet, do you think the seniors on our team (or yours) have just forgotten about the way these games played out?

It seems self-evident to me that no matter how many first rounders LSU produces, no matter how many BCS bowl games they win, no matter how comparatively terrible our team may be, everybody involved knows that none of that shit matters when the whistle blows because this is a balls-out blood-and-guts knife-fight rivalry. These things are not symbols.

Luke got up every single time Big George Kennedy knocked him down in the middle of that prison-yard ring, with all the other prisoners telling him to stay down for his own good. "It's not your fault, he's just too big," they tell him. They were on his side. He'd already proved his point. But the little son of a bitch keeps getting up. He's not there to prove a point. Neither are we.

We'll be in that ring Saturday because we believe that we are just better than you. We are not there for moral victories. We are not there simply to prove that we belong. We are not just happy to be there. Everytime we've gotten up for the past six years its because we believe that we are better than you. We do and we are. You've had us for a while now, we'll give you that. You've got the trophies. You've got the recognition. You've got the glory. But for now, with it all in the balance, here we are coming back again. This is us ready to fight. This is us cranking this shit up to '11'. This is me with two arms raised, both middle fingers in the air. This is defiance. This game is what it means to be one of us.

Forward, Rebels.

That's What She Designed! LOLz!

2008-11-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

Oh boy. Listen gang, as much as I hate LSU (with every fiber and metaphysical quantity of my very being), even I will admit that it was sorta time to fully flesh out this rivalry of ours. Its taken a century - a century - of much-ballyhooed, highly entertaining, hate-filled battles for someone to finally decide that we should have a name for this game. I was satisfied.

And while I'm not happy with the name for the thing - the Magnolia Bowl - I must admit that I couldn't have come up with anything better. I mean, the "I Think You All Have Mosquito DNA and are Probably Genetic Cousins to the Salamander Bowl" just doesn't really flow off the tongue, and the "Straight Up Hate Bowl" would no doubt further prompt LSU's fans to commit violence at the games. So the Magnolia Bowl, I guess I can learn to live with that.

And what type of trophy, praytell, should represent the Magnolia Bowl? If you guessed a penis in mid-ejaculate, as the always funny Godfrey Show described it, you were correct. *Sigh*

The trophy, designed of course by one of the Swamp People in like art grad-school or something,.. ugh. I can't even finish writing this. I keep looking at that ridiculous picture.

Way to crap on 100 years of storied football history and tradition, Swamp People. If we win, I'd like to be the first to suggest that this thing finds its way to the bottom of Lake Sardis. Then we can have like a do-over for trophy designs. I wouldn't trade an empty can of Diet Tab for this trophy.

Of Broken French and Physical Intimidation: Baton Rouge, LA

2008-11-17T20:42:00.000-08:00

As if this pic wasn't funny enough without the corndogs. Unnecessary Photoshop.

Listen gang I think a lot of the time, the bitterness that exists between SEC rivals is largely unwarranted and over the line. I mean, at the end of the day, people have to understand that the same walk-on alumni trashy elements that they decry in other schools' fanbases also represent a small portion of their own school's fans. All I'm trying to say is that while I'll still lightheartedly call MSU fans rednecks, I'm not naieve enough to believe that there isn't a large amount of Ole Miss fans who hang out in gas-station parking lots and have like camo seat covers in their trucks and a picture of Calvin urinating on some auto maker's logo on their windows. Clearly the youtube message board brand of low brow trash talk is largely unfounded when it makes these broad-ranging generalizations.

Which is why I'm not going to sit here and say all or even most LSU fans are trashy, militantly drunk people. It should go without saying that the majority of their fans are at the least decent, educated, generally nice human beings who just want to see their football team win. BUT as far as I can tell, a larger-than-par-for-the-SEC-course portion of Tiger fans consistently do their part to uphold this stereotype that they lack even a vague idea of what it means to be hospitable or have a degree of social tact. I don't even mind the whole burning a straw-Saban in effigy thing or mass texting /calling opposing players. I wouldn't want our school doing it but that's relatively harmless. [Rumor has it their gearing up to attack Jevan's cell phone. I don't much care considering how it worked out for them the past three times they've done it.]

Can you hear me now?

I'm talking about the really classless stuff. I mean if they're not spitting on people, or drunkenly cursing at small children or old women, then they're trying to tip over Tennessee's bus (or at least throwing bottles through the windows), or hospitalizing opposing fans, or just generally being assholes. Even an objective observer would have to admit that these horror stories come out of Baton Rouge WAY more frequently than they do from any other SEC town. Not that every other school's fans act like angels, but damn, how many piss bombs do you have to hurl at unsuspecting people before you get your point across? This stuff simply wouldn't fly elsewhere.

And why? Why do LSU fans feel the urge to do this crazy shit? Do they think that they are like proving their fanhood through these acts of rabid fanaticism? Is it some sort of "we love our team more than you love your team" just asshole-off -- like "let's see who can be the biggest ass to show them how much it all means to us" type of deal? I honestly don't get it. It's like it doesn't occur to them that they are playing right into this terrible stereotype of themselves. At least until these fine investigative (if not ditzy) journalists decided to go through the looking glass at the Alabama game.

Two young ladies with the LSU campus paper The Daily Reveille decided to bring a camera along as they hung out at various LSU tailgates before the big game with Alabama two weeks ago - only they wore Alabama gear while doing it. What ensued was a couple of hours in which they were cursed at and had things thrown at them. Remember, dear readers, these were what appeared to be 20-year old girls. In the afternoon - before the sun set and the crazies really came out.

Now the best part of that link is the posts that LSU fans make under the video clip. Things like "Well I hope you girls got the reaction you were looking for. Way to make the school look bad." With all due respect, anonymous message board posters, I believe it was the drunk Coonass who threw a whiskey bottle at a young woman who made your school look bad. Honestly, why is there not a degree of public scorn in any of those video clips? I can say without any doubt that if I were to hurl a bottle at a 20-year old girl in broad daylight in the middle of the Grove - no matter what color her sweatshirt was - somebody, anybody, would likely punch me in the face just on principle.

I guess what I'm saying is this: Be careful this weekend Rebs. Keep your head on a swivel. Not joking here. Don't go anywhere alone.

Ed: Turns out the Reveille girls could only air so much of the footage they got from the 'Bama game. For a more detailed, written account of their afternoon, visit the follow-up editorial they wrote. Also, what strikes me as a little off, as a daywalking journalist, is just how flippant these girls are about the whole situation. I mean, they got spat upon, had things thrown at them, were groped by men and called "cunts" by women, and they end their account of it all with a 'gosh-darn-it-that-was-kinda-not-so-good-behavior' quote like "Maybe we should tone it down just a little." I mean, if these girls were describing a genocide, would they summarize the story with "Maybe killing people isn't all it's made out to be! ;) KTHNXBAI!" ?

FJM's Greatest Hits: Most Definitely NOT Sac Bunts

2008-11-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

So I know that this is like the most important week of the year for serious Rebs. And diverting attention away from the LSU game is fairly blasphemous. But its Monday, and I simply cannot let the passing of the funniest blog on the intertubes go unnoticed. I'll have plenty of LSU content up by the time this week is done, but for now I'd like to reflect on my favorite Fire Joe Morgan piece of all time.

For those of you who don't know, the site was created to militantly and hilariously ridicule all of the dunderheaded baloney that baseball writers and broadcasters get away with on a daily basis. They targeted all the morons, but in particular they hated Plaschke, Joe Morgan, Skip Bayless, Scoop Jackson, John Kruk and their ilk. They hated hot air, ambiguous words like "grit" and "heart". Hated the sac-bunt, pitchers' W-L statistics and in general just articles that were meaningless and buttarded. The articles these guys produced were cosistently inane and baseless and rhetorical. One such article that came across the desk of Ken Tremendous (aka Michael Schur, lead writer for the Office) was found on MSN's online sports page. It had all of the proto-typical dumbassery that got the guys at FJM fired up: it was based on the age-old cliche that baseball players are soft, it criticised the game as boring and long and perhaps most unforgivingly, it ridiculed those baseball fans who lean heavily on the numbers to tell them about their favorite teams and players. Big mistake, MSN. If FJM was about anything, it was about protecting baseball lovers from the constant "nerd" insults (see: Basement, Mother's) from people who didn't understand what WHIP meant.

Please find Ken's smartassed response below. MSN's quotes in bold. KT's replies in italics. And if you're a baseball fan, do yourself and favor and visit their site to go through their archives.

Statistics

If I want a lesson in mathematics, I’ll walk through the halls of MIT, not the turnstiles of Yawkey Way. We’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves, aren’t we?

Oh, we're enjoying ourselves, J-Mo. And here's the thing about statistics, which to me seems self-evident, but to pseudonymous blowhards might not: you don't have to use them, if you don't want to.

On-base percentages, opponent on-base plus slugging percentages, sabermetrics … Alan Greenspan might enjoy crunching the numbers, but for those of us who’d rather leave our brains at work, the cold-beverage-intake-to-bladder-outflow ratio makes a whole lot more sense.

Bra. Seriously, bra. Fuck these nerds. For serious. True story, bra -- I'm at the game yesterday. I'm wasted. Seriously, bra, I've had like eleven brews. I'm there with my boy Donnie -- awesome guy. Solid guy. The papers call him the "Laundry Room Rapist." So Donnie's like, "Bra, you want another one?" And I'm like, "Shitchyea, dude! I ain't driving!" And Donnie's all, "Bra, you are driving, remember?" And I was like, "Ohhhh shit!" And we high-five, right?
So basically everything was awesome. We were crushing it, bra. And then, this little fucking nerd in front of us is like, "Can you be careful? You're spilling beer on my daughter's head," and I'm like, "Whatever dude -- it's a ballgame. Shut up and enjoy the ride!" and he's like, "Just try to be more considerate," and then his little nerd son is like, "Daddy, look, Manny's up!" and his nerd dad is like, "Let's go Manny!" and his nerd son is like, "His batting average is down to .288" and that's when I just lost it, bra. Those fucking nerds and their numbers. So I pull my rod out -- you know, because I have to piss, right? -- and the guy is all, "Hey! You can't do that here!" and I'm like, "Sorry, nerdbra, the only statistic I care about is how many brewskis I've had and how much piss I've pissed" and the next thing you know security is dragging me out and they're all like, "You're banned for life" and I'm like, "Bra, what the hell?" and they're like "You pulled your penis out and urinated at your seat and there's vomit on your forearm, and also you can't smoke in the stadium, and your friend is wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants," and I'm like "He's Donald Ducking it, bra -- it's classic!" and they're like, "Get out of here and never come back."
And that's when I realized: nerds have ruined baseball.

Thanks for the memories FJM.

Mulling it Over: 59 - Zilch edition

2008-11-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

HN: Yeah we beat 'em, and we beat 'em real durn good. And I told the guys I'm proud of their heart and that helmet and all that jazz. But, Forward Rebs, really, it was just UL-M, right? I mean what can I really tell about this team after they destroyed a nobody squad with only 2 wins in the Sun Belt Conference. Look at my eyebrows, here, Forebs. Skeptical. Unsure. Bat-shit crazy. I mean throw me a bone here. I got a couple big games comin' up and I'm a little lost.

FR: Well, first off, we're honored you thought of us, Houston. And we want to assure you you've come to the right place, because honestly, we've been thinking real hard about this win, too. Secondly, we're glad you came up with a nick-name for the site. It was starting to be too much of a mouthful, you know, when we were like talking about ourselves to our friends and stuff. Forebs. We like it. Anyhoo, let's just see what we can't glean about our squad as we head into the two most anticipated weekends of the year.

Right off the bat, Houston, I'd like to call to your attention a period of my life that is painful for me to think about. There used to be a coach at our school, ya see, who kept these little mid-season bouts with cupcakes very interesting . See even when the games weren't really close, like say a 27-7 win over the Citadel in 2005, we'd still walk out of the game and into the Grove and just feel like we had just wasted 3 hours of our lives. The games were boring. They were frustrating. They were anticlimactic. And eventually, they became non-issues to a large majority of our fanbase. I went to watch the aforementioned 38-31 win over Northwestern St. and wasn't all that surprised to find that I could just walk right on down to a seat about six rows up on the 40 yard line. There may have been 10,000 people there. I could hear the refs when they scolded players. Could hear the cheerleaders talking about the party the night before. Could hear our program in the doldrums. I sent a text message to a friend of mine that just read: "All time low" - which was itself startling considering your Razorbacks had beaten us 44-7 just two weeks before on an afternoon when daytime fireworks knocked out the electricity to our embarassingly small Mediocre-Tron. The point is this, Houston: we won by a wide margin yesterday, and whether that was because the team we were playing was worthless is simply beside the point. We made big, exciting plays. We scored bunches of points. Our players and our fans had fun. Lets just enjoy these things, because we've been kicked around recently enough to know that they aren't a given. 59-0. Check plus.

HN: Well thanks, Forebs, but I think the bigger "warm 'n fuzzy" factor here is that I got Peria to a bowl game. I mean, weren't y'all talking about these seniors last week?

FR: Don't steal my thunder, Houston. Don't be a dick, man. Come on. I was getting there. And his name's the Truth. Anyhow:

DK. Coach, DK. He back.
I know I don't need to tell you what this does for our defense. On a team with CBs who might make one serviceable play a game, ol' DK becomes the most important component of our schemes. Our offense is gonna move the ball. Our front seven does well against the run. But when guys like Kodi Burns and Chris Smelley can have career days against us, finding a solution to our pass defense woes is the single most important aspect of our gameplans. And DK is the answer there. Now I know he claims to be only at 85%, but "getting better" as he plays on it. I'm no doctor, Coach, but I'm pretty sure that's not how a stress fracture in your foot works. I guess what I'm saying is, if I ruled the earf, DK wouldn't have played until next week. BUT, the fact that he's back and healthy and making sacks and even INTs (?), bodes very, very well for our team. Doesn't matter that he did it against Kinsmon Lancaster. He made the Angel Timothy cry, remember? Just make sure he remembers his shoes next week. Please.

HN: That's good Frebs, but what about my offense?

350 yards is 350 yards, Houston. Let's not sleep on the fact that we ran for 350 yards on Saturday. There's only 60 minutes in a game, you know. I mean, did you ever play NCAA on like the super-easy mode just to try to build up those arbitrary points you got at the end of each game. Like "5 points for sacking the QB 3 times" and stuff like that. Well some of the tasks you had to try to get were just so ludicrously hard that I could never get them, even with like USC against Akron on super-easy mode. I'm pretty sure rushing for 350 yards was one of those. Again, check plus. Also, let's keep Dex back there. Run all 4 of them from the TB. I don't care if they each end up with 45 yards apiece. It works.

HN: I'd whip your ass at NCAA.

FR: That's enough outta you Hootie. Remind me to tell you about ol' George Teague. Anyhow

The best part about this win is that it went just as planned. We made it through. No one got hurt. There was no drama or letdown that might cause added emotional baggage as we go into one of the most difficult venues in the nation next week. I don't know how much you know about this rivalry, bu

HN: You mean the Magnolia Bowl? What a buttarded ass name for a rivalry game.

FR: I agree but please don't interrupt, K?

Like I was saying, this rivalry is paramount to us. It is probably the single most important three hour stretch in the Forward Rebs's calendar year. It can ruin an otherwise great 365 day span, or rectify an otherwise abysmal one. So we didn't need any distractions heading into it. Now the last time we went to Death V...

HN: Yeah listen kid the last time I was in Death Valley I got dat wood, aight. I'm audi 3000. Thanks and giggity.

Thank goodness for Downtown Dahveed

2008-11-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

Call me another name, you nerdy ass blog bitch. I dare you.

Umk so maybe we should lay off the Dahveed bashing. I don't like making fun of Rebels. BUT, after hearing how Forward Rebs libeled him at halftime, Dahveed caught fire early in the second half Friday night. And without his 24 points, our otherwise "meh" 65-53 win turns into a "holy shit we're in trouble" 45ish - 53 loss to Arkansas State. So I'm gonna keep taunting you, E.T.veed. Apparently it pissed you off.

The weekend went about as good as anyone could've expected all around. More analysis tomorrow. For now, well done Rebels. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Ken Tremendous, we hardly knew ye!

2008-11-14T14:54:00.000-08:00

DAMN YOU!

I'm seriously not even joking when I tell you that I'm upset about Fire Joe Morgan's announcement that it will be shutting down. It was the first blog I discovered after getting my first "cube job", and has helped me through many a long and otherwise noxiously boring afternoon. For those of you who haven't ever visited FireJoeMorgan.com, please feel free to visit it as the creators of the site are leaving their archives up for posterity's sake. Find the link over in my "Nat'l Blogs" list to the right.

I'm on my way out the door now, but will probably post some of FJM's greatest hits for your enjoyment some time next week. For now, fair readers, the bases are forever clogged.

7:00 p.m. Tip-off for AK & Co.

2008-11-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

Now wait a minute, Beck...

Lest we forget, tonight is also opening night for AK and the hardcourt Rebs. Arkansas State visits us and tip-off is set for 7:00 p.m. From everything I gather the Rebs will be short on experience but long on talent/potential this year. We lost Parnell, Curtis and the Beard from last year's squad, who collectively played 99.99999% of our frontcourt minutes last year. That's the bad news. The good news is that from everything I gather, our new bigs are much more compatable with AK's system.

Seriously I don't know much about this year's squad, other than Kennedy is telling people that they'll be surprised by how much Chris Warren is improved - which is comforting considering the guy was one of our best players last year and was a first team Freshman All-SEC guy.

When I was covering the Rebs two years ago Kennedy told people to watch out for Bam Doyne - who until that point had been an utterly un-noteworthy player. Then he exploded and led the SEC in scoring for half the season. Kennedy said the same thing about Polyniece last year, who blossomed into our best defender and transition scorer. So if AK wants to sing Warren's praises, I'll take his word for it.

I'll make no predictions about his squad's end of the year record, as we are VERY young and will likely stumble early and often in the first half of this season. Don't bet on us doing our typical burst out of the gate with a 13-0 record - though I'd love nothing more than to be surprised. Do look for the Rebs to be vastly improved at the end of the season. For us to have any type of success, we'll be leaning heavily on Polyniece and ET/David Huertas. Malcolm White's our only big with any type of experience, and the few times I saw him last year he looked like Shaq at the beginning of Blue Chips. Just raw, nasty skills, but in need of fine tuning. If that happens, look out. I see him turning into a player with Jermey Parnell's nasty streak - only with the ability to put up consistently decent offensive numbers.

Finally, a plea to anyone reading this in Oxford or near there: Please go watch AK and the Rebels. Its a home football weekend, so there's no excuse for us not to have at least 5,000 people there, even if it is Ark. State. Kennedy is too good of a coach for us to ignore, and you're fooling yourself if you don't think his name comes up every time a traditional big-time basketball school has an opening. Give the man the support he deserves. If you don't, he's likely to give you a melvin or a swirlie or something. Fer realz.

Again, for much better Rebel basketball coverage, do yourself a favor a go hyah: http://crepepaper.blogspot.com/

Redemption Song OR How to get Motivated Against UL-M

2008-11-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

I caught the second half of the MNF game this week and, like anybody else who tuned in to see that thriller, was thoroughly and pleasantly surprised that a Cardinals v. 49ers game could be that fun. I was even cheering for the Cards as Kurt Warner is the team captain of my fantasy team (the Amity Island Powe Folk). But shortly after the Cards D came up with the goal line stand as time ran out, ESPN zoomed in on Patrick Willis's face, and the guy looked like somebody had just murdered his dog. Buzzkill.

Its hard not to like the 9ers in the first place, what with all the young talent on that team and the utter likeability of Mike Singletary. But seeing how much it means to P. Willie really just endears him and that team that much more. I'm not one to lose sleep over the plight of a guy who makes millions playing a sport, but damn, Patrick deserves to be on at least one winner at some point. I got to thinking about how Ed Ogre screwed Patrick out of any semblance of a winning season, and it dawned on me how much this UL-M game should mean to the seniors on this year's Ole Miss team.

Not that guys like Mike Wallace and Dustin Mouzon and Jamarca Sanford and Jason Cook and Big Mike and the Truth (especially the Truth) ever needed any motivation in the first place. This is the same group that, it could be argued, have overachieved from the first day they stepped on campus. Say what you will about the number of wins they brought home the first three years, and how chic it is to be anti-moral victory these days. But this group of seniors consistently hung with the very best teams in the nation for the past four years, despite playing for the worst SEC coach in recent memory. I think about how they must've felt when Seth Adams hit Shay Hodge over the top last year to get within five yards of beating 'Bama. Or the way they must've felt when John Jerry came barging through the LSU line to block the extra point against LSU and take that game to overtime. Those plays weren't made because of superior talent or coaching. In fact, they were made in spite of the opposite.

That's why Florida this year felt like redemption.

And why you saw scenes like Powe getting his Great White on. These guys have come up inches short more times than they care to remember. Florida was their chance to break free from Doyle Jackson, from Jamarcus Russel, from the Ogre himself. Now they have the chance to close out - and this time they don't have to play over their heads to do it.

That's why I hope every last one of these seniors happened to see P. Willie's face on Monday night. I doubt they need reminding of just how frustrating these last three years have been, but in case they did, there it was spelled out on Patrick's face. Football (and life) is just more fun when you're winning. A win tomorrow would lock up at least a .500 season, and a bowl berth, and in light of the past three years, no one would argue that this group would go out winners if that were to happen.

It's true that they deserve a bowl this year - any bowl - but in order to do it they've got to take care of business tomorrow. Don't get caught looking to LSU. Handle your business. Forward, Rebels.

Rebs on the Wire

2008-11-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

Umk. For the life of me I can't figure out how to do the cool link thing where like you throw a link out, but instead of http://yadayadayada dot com, it has some word so you can incorporate the link into a sentence. You know what I'm talking about. Whatever. Its not like anybodys reading this anyway.

So the Sporting News took this story off the AP wire from somewhere in MS. Don't know who wrote it, but its basically just an idea of how fired up a lot of the Rebs are about the prospect of Bowling this year. Of note are a couple of quotes from Jason Cook. Guy really wants a bowl game. Not to give too much away, but this week's game should mean a shit-ton more than a typical UL-M game to guys like Cook and Big Mike and Peria. I'll touch on that later in the week. Aaaaaaanyhoo, also of note in this article is Ol' Archie just pining over a Liberty Bowl invite. That's right, Arch. Shoot for the stars, bud. http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=485578

I got this friend who somehow gets to sit on the sideline at Vaught-Hemingway. He spent the Auburn game chatting it up with one of Andy Kennedy's assistants (the basketball teams trotted out in front of the student section at halftime). Anyhow, he told me this story about how the first time Ole Miss beat State in Oxford after Kennedy took over, Tricky Rick Stansbury came to shake AK's hand after the buzzer. Kennedy's lone sentence, verbatim: "You better fuckin' get used to it." Pivot. Turn. Exit. Curtains. In addition to being a supremely funny guy (in a Steve Polychronopolous / Nelson Muntz type of way) , apparently Kennedy knows how to recruit: http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20081112/SPORTS030103/81112021/1001/news

Yep Rick. I'm bringin' in Top-30 guys now. Ha Ha!

For much better, much more insightful Rebel hoops commentary, you should definitely visit http://crepepaper.blogspot.com/ if you're not already. Those guys over there are primo-bloggers. Of course, so is the gang over at http://www.redsolocup.com/ , who graciously gave me a shout-out earlier today. Many thanks and a wholehearted endorsement to those guys. At their best they will get you in trouble at the office for laughing too loudly (I speak from experience), and at their worst they're still infinitely funnier than me.

Might as well post this...

2008-11-10T12:03:00.001-08:00

...Its going to be on every single Ole Miss site in the next 30 minutes or so, anyway.

These are the Nutt twins. Hello Hanna. Find the (really sort of non-) story at deadspin, right here: http://deadspin.com/5081988/college-football-roundup-the-hailey-and-hanna-nutt-edition

Bye Week Recruiting Notes: A Profile in Dedication

2008-11-09T20:14:00.000-08:00

In an effort to prove my dedication to you, the legions of loyal followers of Forward Rebels, I sacrificed my Friday night ( I had like a zillion party options - duh) in order to drive down to Olive Branch to take in the OB vs. Tupelo playoff game this weekend. Recruiting guru and first class Beck-bully Theo Holland assured me there were no fewer than six future D-1 players on the field, at least a couple of whom Ole Miss has a legit shot at landing this year.

To be honest I was more than a little fired up about taking in a 5A playoff game between two traditionally strong football schools. The last time me and Theo did something like this, we went to see Olive Branch against S. Panola - I can't remember the year but Chris Strong was a junior I had never heard of when we got there, and I watched him just dominate OB's offensive line the entire night. Two years later when we signed him I sent out a confusing mass text-message that read, simply: Something wicked this way comes. Now I think the guy is a backup DE at like Northeast. Guy signed with the Rebs, Coach O called him the "cornerstone of his class", then he got stuck in the tweener zone (too slow for OLB, too small for DE), then he posted a buckshot GPA, then he left the school having never recorded a single tackle (guessing). So, yeah, I've been wrong before about highschoolers, but I digress.

Like I say, I was fired up about the game. Brought my digital camera along. Thought about bringing pen and pad. Noticeably excited. So much so that when we had to stop for directions at a sketchy Shell station after taking a wrong turn out of a Dodge's Chicken (Theo = big fan of the jojo's), I was probably grinning when I approached the counter. The girl on the other side had a cell phone to her ear, was chewing a piece of gum, and her Shell nametag / pin said her name was Brandy. Brandy was also about 12 months pregnant. Maybe 18 years old.

Me: Hey can you tell me how to get to the game - we're lost.

Brandy: *into cell phone* Shit. Hold own.

Me: Yeah can you tell me how to get to the game.

Brandy: You ain't from here?

Me: No.

Brandy: You from Tupelo?

Me: No.

Brandy: Wait. So you ain't from here or Tupelo, but you goin' to tha game. You from South Panowlah?

Me: No. I think we took a wrong turn off of 305, could you...

Brandy: You ain't with the paper either, huh. I mean, how come you want to come down to Olive Branch to watch a damn football game? Ain't neither one of these teams gone beat Panowlah. Shit. Its Friday. Go do somethin.

Shell: Where taking-a-long-hard-look-at-your-reflection-in-the-dingy-bulletproof-casing-around-the-checkout-area Happens.

Anyhow we eventually made it to the game. Among the players of note:

Chad Bumphis: Bumphis is listed at 5'10 and could very well be, provided that everyone else on the field was > than 5'10. Regardless of not being the biggest guy on the field, he did provide a few glimpses of big-play potential - the kid's got offers from all over the place but supposedly has it narrowed down to Ole Miss, LSU, Florida, and I believe Bama. He was Tupelo's best athlete, ligning up at WR, KR, Punter and (according to T-Bone) the premier back in some variation of the Wild Cat, though I never saw the formation Friday night. We really got gipped out of seeing him at his best, as he was hobbled with a left ankle injury when we got there. Then in the 3rd quarter (on a play where he fumbled) he appeared to hurt his other ankle. The rest of the game he acted like he could barely walk, though he stayed in the game (it was a very close game to the end). In short, I obviously trust the recruting staffs of the SEC over my own untrained eyes, so even after a sub-par performance, I'd still love to see Bumphis in Rebel gear. Guy is tiny, injury prone, can run some form of the Wild Cat, and tends to put the ball on the ground. Insert Dex joke * here*.

Rod Woodson (seriously)

This guy is going to be a monster. He plays OLB but he probably projects to play Strong Safety like his namesake. Really, he flat out dominated Tupelo's tackles, consistently beating them around the edge to just crush the QB from the blind side. He also had a pick-six. Guy's already built like a tank, and has blazing speed. The bad news is that he's committed to Bama. The silver lining is that its only November. Regardless, it was fun watching him just repeatedly clobber this guy:

Johnny QB

OK I can't remember Tupelo's quarterback's name, but he's committed to LSU. He's a better than good high school QB with a good, quick release and decent mobility. BUT, T-bone doesn't see the guy getting much PT in Baton Rouge, and as you can see, he really pissed off his coach. That said, in a league where Jonathan Crompton, Wes Carrol, and a plethora of Auburn QB's exist, I don't see why this guy couldn't at least get a shot. Also, there was this guy:

Tree Ent

Olive Branch had an offensive tackle that was one of the largest human beings I've ever seen. Again, can't recall his name, but he's committed to UT. T-Bone tells me that he doesn't have an offer from either us or State, which seems odd to me. He did seem a little soft and didn't really dominate nearly as much as someone his size should BUT, with that framework I'm sure he could be coached up. Guy was like 6'6 300. As a high-schooler. Show him some love, Right Reverend.

ed note: A tree ent is a large good guy from Lord of the Rings, for all you non-members of the Fellowship.

Anyhow, on quasi-related notes:
1.) Olive Branch has the sickest high school field I've ever seen. Their turf is the same as the turf at Vaught Hemingway, and their bleachers are all concrete and wrap around the field. Their scoreboard, incidentally, has "Us" and "Y'all" in place of "Home" and "Away". I only mention this because I find it hard to believe that these apparently new facility upgrades didn't have anything to do with Canon Smith's short tenure there. I mean, if the guy's dad (who runs Fed Ex) would do that for a high school that his son attended for one year, think about what he would've done for Ole Miss. Why oh why did you have to catch him with a bunch of beans, OBPD? Just why?

2.) I'm toying with the idea of letting T-Bone join the staff here at Forward Rebels, if only to give recruiting reports. Seriously, the guy probably knows more than Yancy about our recruits, somehow, even though he claims not to surf the webs at work. He would at least remember the guys' names, unlike myself. I've even already chosen a name for his posts: Bone-bits (in re: Yancy's "Tidbits".) I'll keep you posted.

The Revolution Will Be Live

2008-11-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.The revolution will not get rid of the nubs. The revolution will not make you look five pounds thinner, because the revolution will not be televised, Brother.

-- Gil Scott-Heron

So this blog is, onstensibly at least, about Ole Miss sports. And infinite amounts of hyperbolic rhetoric have already been written or will be written on this subject in the days to come. But Ole Miss is on the bye week, and I don't know if I can start a blog on Nov. 5, 2008 without addressing the elephant in the room.
To say the least, it wasn't easy for me to vote for Barack Obama. Back when there were still a dozen candidates on both sides of the aisle I singled out John McCain as the one I was most confident in. I remember listening to a Republican debate on the radio when a question was asked about torture. Long story short, McCain took a stand against it, the other 11 candidates were for it, and McCain was nearly booed off the stage. In my head, I could see a hook emerging from behind the stae curtains like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
I knew then that I liked the guy. For all the divisions of the Catholic church, if it is in lockstep over any one issue, it is for the dignity of human life, both before and after birth. McCain was on the right side of both of those issues. It didn't hurt that none of his opponents could say the same.
It also didn't hurt that the guy had done everything short of dying in the service of his country. By the time it came down to just he and Obama, the differences between the two were stark. But for all his inexperience, listening to Obama felt like listening to JFK, and the guy just plain out-campaigned his opponent. While McCain was making much over a comment about lipstick, was desperately relying on the old tactics of dividing up "real America" and "suspect America", was questioning patriotism, was posing (or at least not doing enough to dispel) wild accusations as to his opponents religious beliefs, Obama was laying out his platform.
And I would be remiss if I failed to mention how much of an impact August 28, 2005 had on this election and my decision. Those were my people on the coast who got left behind. The image of those people holding signs that said "Help Us! We are Americans!" was probably the last image that went through my head before I filled out the box next to Obama's name. They were the ones who suffered thanks to an ill-prepared and underqualified FEMA staff put together by a good old boy administration.
Still, marking the ballot yesterday was difficult. I don't think I'm alone when I say it felt a little like Brutus must have felt after giving Caeser the old shiv. Et tu Beckus?

There is no honor in voting against a guy I would have wholeheartedly helped elect in any of the previous three elections I've been able to vote in.
But there was certainly excitement. At 10:00 p.m. last night, shortly after the race was called, the fireworks started going off. When I stepped out onto my porch I could see people all up and down the street doing the same. They were shouting, incoherently, from different points throughout the neighborhood. And the scene in Chicago that was, in fact, televised - that felt like redemption. And it was enough to make me proud of my vote.
Obama will certainly face some adversity in the years to come. You don't get out of this quagmire without making decisions that some people are going to resist. But for last night, at least for the night, there was a sense of national unity and hope that I haven't witnessed in my lifetime. And I got the sense that the Revolution was happening, and it was live, and so was I.
ed: Rebel content coming soon, mercifully.