A Little More Truthiness

Seriously, Peria Jerry might be my favorite human being in the history of human beings. Consider this quote from the Commercial Appeal article that ran this weekend on Peria. Its from his former coach at Hargrave.

"He is the toughest kid I've ever coached here. Peria is just plain mean."

Remember how being the laziest man in Los Angeles put the Dude in the running for the title of 'laziest man in the world' in the Big Lebowski? Well, when the head football coach at a quasi-military academy that exists, as far as I can tell, solely for the purpose of turning hard-assed, violent, talented but troubled football players into disciplined young men calls you the "toughest kid (he's) ever coached," that at least puts you in the running for toughest man in America, right? Trick question. We already know that Peria is the toughest life force in the galaxy.

Also, somewhere early in that article, maybe the third paragraph, the guy who wrote it wrote something that could vaguely be construed as referring to Peria as the Truth. Frebs' influence grows by the day.

Anyhow, Frebs is back from the holidays and will have much to discuss over the next few days. It's going to be a busy week at work, and the New Year festivities will likely cause a moral hangover and general feeling of "fart brainery" but we'll do our best to keep all 7 of you readers mildly amused over the course of the next week. A belated and sincere Merry Christmas to you.

Warren Tears ACL? Abandon All Hope, Ye Basketball Fans.

"What's good is bad, what's bad is good, you'll find out when you reach the top, you were on the bottom..."
Bob Dylan, Idiot Wind

Word is that in a post-game interview - one that I can't find transcribed anywhere - Kennedy told David Kellum that Chris Warren has torn his ACL. Let that roll around in your cranium for a little bit before reading on....

/

/

Ready? OK. I guess it should come as no surprise that Kennedy called today the worst 24 hours of his life. More on that later. Before I go any further I'd like to say that if this news about Warren is true, then this season has got to be considered among the worst for an Ole Miss program in the history of the University. A season that started out with hopes of a West title, an Atlanta championship, maybe an 8 seed in the Big Dance. All that seems like it was a million years ago on December 18. We haven't gotten into SEC play, and this season has gone beyond worst case scenario - literally. This season has gone beyond the pale. Beyond the freaking pale. I want to go ahead and call it the 'Season of Vengeance' a reference to the sports gods having their way with us following 31-13 and 45-0. Maybe I'll wait for the RedSoloCup guys to come up with something more witty. But for right now, as I polish off the last of my wine bottle after witnessing the worst day of Andy Kennedy's life from start to finish, I'm going to go ahead and officially christen the 2008 Ole Miss basketball season as The Season of Vengeance.

A quick recap of the Season of Vengeance:

• Gaskins out for the year.
• Polyniece out for the year.
• Kennedy accused of a hate crime.
• Warren out for the year.
• Zero 'quality' wins.

Its really enough to make me feel sorry for Kennedy. I honestly do, a little. Its obviously not his fault that his two best players and his sixth man have all freakishly gotten injured early on in the year. And he has been good for our program. He's made people care about basketball. He's generated the funding for the Basketball Practice Facility. The players love him. He's consistently on the sidelines supporting the football team. I mean, in these respects, he is exactly what I want in an Ole Miss baskeball coach. He seems to care about the players and the school, and those are excellent qualities to have in a coach.

But I cannot comprehend this free-pass he is getting from the majority of Ole Miss fans. I'll be succinct: What has Andy Kennedy done to deserve the benefit of the doubt, much less forgiveness, in the Taxigate Scandal?

Does anyone sincerely believe that he was just out at 1:00 a.m. "dining with old friends from his Cincinatti coaching days" as his brother suggested? How do you give that statement any credibility, when everyone knows that Kennedy is a lush. That statement was laughable.

Honestly, its not uncommon to see a coach - say Bianco or Nutt - out on the square. These guys are generally heading into City Grocery or 208 with their families. They speak to fans, they joke with the waitstaff, pay their tickets, go home, tuck their kids in bed and go to sleep. What other coach in the history of the program has been allowed to go make a fool of himself on a consistent basis while everybody just looks the other way? And don't think for a second that Boone and Khayat aren't just as aware of this as you and I. At the end of the day, Oxford is still very much a small town where word gets around quicker than anyone would like to admit.

I think I'm letting my thoughts get away without making my broader point, which is this: Why are people so adamant about protecting Kennedy here? A winning program? Newsflash: Its year 3 under Kennedy, and we are way worse than we were in year 1. No way around that. All the talk about Kennedy not having his players to run his system is absolute horseshit. Who have the best players been for the past two years? Far and away, they have been guys Barnes recruited. Doyne, Abernethy, Curtis - all Barnes' kids. I realize Kennedy couldn't have been expected to have his own starters in year 1, but its year 3, and the one quality kid he's brought in is probably lost for the season now (obviously, through no fault of his own). For the record, Huertas signed under Barnes, and had to sit out his transfer year during 2006, AK's first year.

None of this "quality of players signed" stuff would be all that huge of a deal to me if Kennedy didn't make such a point of throwing all of Barnes' guys under the bus that first year. I was on the baseline taking photos one night when someone from the stands hollered to AK to take Doyne out of the game after he missed several shots. Kennedy responded by pointing at the entire bench and hollering 15 rows up to this guy "Who the hell I am supposed to put in?" -- as in, "everbody else sucks even worse." This was done in front of a packed crowd, and drew sufficient laughter from the front 10 rows or so. Believe me when I tell you nobody on the bench was smiling.

He also took swipes at the '06 seniors while bellied up at the Sporst Bar on several occasions. A friend of mine, who Kennedy doesn't know from Adam, told me that one night AK bought him shots and proceeded to talk basketball with him for a little bit. "I love these kids because they work hard," Kennedy said of the seniors, Sanders, Doyne and Abernethy, "but I wouldn't have given a scholarship to a single one of those bastards. They wouldn't be on the team if I had anybody else." These statements came about a week after Clay Sanders gave Ole Miss fans one of their greatest moments in the LSU rivalry with his Valentine's Day buzzer beater. At a time when we didn't have much of anything over LSU.

Well fuck you too, Andy Kennedy. You have recruited exactly one player who has proven to be anywhere near as talented as those three were. I know their contributions - especially Bam's - can largely be attributed to AK's system and coaching, but why throw them under the bus like that? And those comments had the underlying theme that the players he would be bringing in would be head and shoulders better than those guys. Again, its year 3, and that simply is NOT the case.

I guess what I'm saying is this: If two trips to the NIT with someone else's players are sufficient enough to make excuses for a lush who spends the night in jail before the biggest game of the season, then what in the hell is considered inexcusable to this fanbase? Is the NIT worth sacrificing our dignity? Would we react this way if Rod Barnes got arrested the night before a game on national television? Take your "I love Ole Miss and everything associated with it" blinders off and ask yourself those three questions.

In all sincerity, we all love Ole Miss. The key is to avoid loving Ole Miss like a child loves his mommy - "Mommy can do no wrong so I'll defend everything she does." The key is to love Ole Miss like a spouse - to care enough to call her out when she is acting inappropriately.

Oh yeah, we lost the game.

Andy Kennedy Speaks! (sort of)

Alright this is the last I'll be updating until tonight after work. Probably have something up around the time we're getting embarassed on multiple levels on ESPN (Damn you, ESPN). Anyhow, the guy that covers Ole Miss for the Clarion-Ledger spoke to Steven Kennedy, who had apparently already spoken with his brother, Andy, about this whole taxi thing. Here is what Stevie had to say:

"The team had its normal team meeting at about 11 p.m. and then the coaches went out for a late-night dinner with some friends that Andy had when he was in Cincinnati. After they were done, they were leaving dinner and hailed a taxi. The taxi driver pulled up and the coaches (Kennedy, Bill Armstrong, Michael White, Owen Miller and Torrey Ward) piled into the car. Kennedy was in the front. The cab driver decides that he won't take all five guys, he'll only take four, and he started calling coach Ward (who is black) the 'N' word, so Kennedy says they'll get another cab. The cab hadn't moved, but the driver demanded that six dollars be paid. At this point, Kennedy got out of the cab and went to another cab directly behind them and asked the second driver if he would take five people. That cab driver said yes. But when the coaches tried to get out of the first cab, the cab driver locked the back doors and drove about 100 feet with the four assistants in the back. Kennedy was standing on the curb. Apparently, some words were said in the cab and the cops were called. When the police showed up, the cab driver said Kennedy punched him and called him racial slurs. So the cops, who Andy said were nice, but had to do their jobs, put him in handcuffs and put him into the squad car. At that point, Armstrong started saying stuff like this is bull s--- and he ended up getting arrested as well. But Andy never touched the cab driver or called him any names. They spent six hours in jail for this. It's amazing that someone can just make an accusation and someone gets thrown into jail."

Weirdly, Kennedy's other brother, Donnie, also claimed to have his own version of events. He provided the Clarion-Ledger with his version of what was said after Kennedy entered the vehicle.

Kennedy: Jesus, man, could you change the channel?

Cab Driver: Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin' cab!

Kennedy: I had a rough...

Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out!

Kennedy: Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!

Oh Boy. The Beginning of the End of AK?

Ok,

1.) I don't feel bad for posting this because there are only about 12 random people who check this blog daily anyway (I'm looking at you, Englewood, CO. Thanks.), and

2.) It was gonna get out there anyway.

Still, I somehow still feel like I'm contributing to the demise of a very good coach by letting you know about Andy Kennedy's latest bit of assholery. This could be really, really messy, gang. Make no bones about it: he could get fired over this. I certainly hope not, but the University of Mississippi, when it comes to racism, lives in a fishbowl. I'm very busy at work today, but I'll do my best to stay on top of this situation and keep you posted.

Honestly though, before I get back to work here, is there anybody who is really surprised to see the news after clicking that link? If I had a nickel for everytime Andy Kennedy was just wrecked, bellied up at the Sports Bar, hitting on some 20 year old girl, I wouldn't have to be working right now. I know this is a knee-jerk reaction, but its hard for me to have sympathy for someone who has great talent and great opportunity, but wants to throw it all away to put a buzz on and look at college girls. Why in the hell was he out until the wee hours of the morning, anyway?

Further, I find it ironic that the one place his whole "I don't give a shit, I'm Billy Badass" charade caught up to him was back in Cincinatti. I mean, I would imagine that somebody could reasonable expect to get away with these antics in a major city, where its easier to get lost in the crowd. Its when he brought that show to Oxford, where literally 98% of the population could recognize him as he's barfing behind a dumpster, that he could've easily be penalized for acting like a lush. Somehow though, it took a return trip to Cincy for that to happen. You can't make this stuff up.

By the way, Lousiville is liable to beat us by 40 tonight. Oh boy, indeed.

• Update # 1: POSTED: 8:18 am EST December 18, 2008
  UPDATED: 9:38 am EST December 18, 2008
  
  CINCINNATI -- A former interim University of Cincinnati's head men's basketball coach was arrested early Thursday on an assault charge.
  A complaint filed in Hamilton County Municipal Court states that Andy Kennedy "punched (the) victim with a closed fist while shouting racial slurs," at 550 Walnut Street at about 1 a.m.
  The victim is listed as cab driver Mohammed Jiddou.
  No other information has been released so far.
  

Stream of consciousness thoughts as this thing plays out:

This is not going away. The more I hear about this, the worse it gets for Kennedy. Yes, he went to jail sometime around 1:00 this morning. I did that once. I was 18 years old and it was my birthday and the University Police Department thought I'd had a few too many to be in public. Not exemplary behavior, but... I was 18 year old.

Andy Kennedy is a grown ass man, but more importantly an ambassador of the University of Mississippi, which is completely different than being an ambassador to any other school in the nation on this one little issue: race. We are the only school in the nation that had a riot in the 60's...FROM THE RIGHT. We have been in a perpetual state of damage control for the past 46 years because people from all over the south decided to infiltrate our campus and make us their battle ground. We have apologized, and damage controlled, and media relationed and statue erected until we were blue in the face. All of us, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US, take the blame for things like this. I have told myself that I was going to try and quit using curse words on this blog but I am sorry I cannot because I cannot, for the life of me, quit trying to figure out just WHAT IN THE MOTHERFUCK WERE YOU THINKING, Andy? Why? I am so tired of having to defend the University against ignorant assholes who think we're all backwards and what do you do but hand them a fresh arsenal of ammunition. This is literally making me sick - like nauseated sick.

I will not be surprised, nor saddened, if Kennedy is gone by tip-off tonight. By the time the ESPN crew talks about Ole Miss' tumultuous past for the first 20 minutes, by the time we've all seen the Meredith footage coming out of commercial break, by the time I finish my fourth bourbon drink and am ready to punch a hole in the wall, I think most every one will agree with me: Kennedy needs to be gone. Yesterday. Good riddance.

More updates to follow.

• Update # 2: From Cincinatti.com Posted at 9:38 a.m.

Kennedy has hired attorney Mike Allen to represent him. Allen pleaded
not guilty on behalf of his client this morning. He said Kennedy "emphatically denies this and emphatically denies making any racial slurs.

So I think paying attention to the comments section on news sights is just an exercise in stupidity, as any dummy with a keyboard can weigh in. All the morons come out of the woodwork. Check any comment section on a youtube video for proof. The reason I say as much is because the Hotty Toddy Blog is urging people to notice all of the comments in the above link claiming that Cincinatti's troubled racial makeup has produced other "false alarm" race card pullings in the past. Take that for what its worth. Personally, I don't think its worth much at all.

Maybe I am being a bit reactionary here. But listen: even if Kennedy never said a word during this altercation, even if he never threw the first punch, why in the world is he out at 1:00 a.m. in Cincinatti the night before his struggling team plays its biggest game of the year on national television? Shouldn't he be thinking about Ole Miss basketball? At the very least, this shows a propensity for terrible, terrible judgement.

• Update #3: From this website. Posted at 9:59 a.m.

The police report states that there was an unrelated witness who saw the incident.Kennedy is charged with misdemeanor assault. He has a court appearance set for 12:30 today but he will not have to appear if an attorney makes an appearance and enters a written plea on his behalf.

This is not "he said" vs. "he said". There's a witness. Also, in the first quasi-silver lining news of the day, Deadspin has the story as "Mississippi State's Coach Arrested." Sure that won't be the last time that happens today. So we got that going for us.

• Update #4: Details steadily emerging:

Also arrested was William Armstrong, the director of operations at Mississippi, on a charge of disorderly conduct, reports show.
Reports state Armstrong, 31, was drunk and thrown out of the Lodge Bar downtown early this morning.
After that, he and Kennedy got a cab. A report says Armstrong taunted the driver “in which his conduct was likely to cause a violent response.”A separate report says Kennedy “was the aggressor” and punched the driver, Mohammed Ould Jiddou. During the attack Kennedy used “racial slurs.”

Kennedy has hired former Hamilton County Prosecutor Mike Allen to represent him. Allen entered a not guilty plea on behalf of his client this morning. He said Kennedy "emphatically denies this and emphatically denies making any racial slurs."Police say a person standing nearby witnessed the assault and that Armstrong was so intoxicated he refused to calm down when asked and requested that he be taken to jail.

Mitchell Diggs, the assistant director of media at Mississippi, said the school's athletic director and chancellor are meeting about the situation. No decision has been made about whether Kennedy will coach tonight.

This keeps getting worse for the University. Now, not only is the coach suspected of being a backwards, militant lush, but so is someone from inside the University's current administration. Again, Kennedy is emphatically denying everything - except that he was housed at 1:00 a.m. the morning of the biggest game of the season. It will be interesting to see if he's on the sideline tonight. I've got to get to work, but will post updates periodically. What. A. Shitshow.

BTW, this here is Bill Armstrong.

• Update #'s 5 and 6, collectively:

First, legit Cincinatti Journalist Paul Dougherty blogs a little hope into the situation.

"Yep, actually talked to Someone Who Would Know just a few minutes ago. He said the cabbie dropped a racial slur on a member of Andy's party as they got into the cab... AK and his four companions, all his assistant coaches, got out of the cab and hailed another. As they were on their way back to their hotel, cops pulled them over and charged AK with assault. My source said AK assaulted no one and has 4 eyewitnesses to swear to it. Given what I know of Kennedy from having covered him as a head coach and as Huggins' top assistant, I believe this account."

So there's that. Maybe Kennedy didn't do anything at all. Maybe this is why the other blogs were with-holding their knee-jerk reactions. Still, guy was out at 1:00 a.m. and also, we're still dealing with crap like being on the front page of espn.com:

10 to 1 odds ESPN doesn't post a follow up story if Kennedy is found innocent. Theoretically, if this was all like a big hoax and the real Andy Kennedy is just now finding out about all this and laughing because some other tall bald white guy named Andy Kennedy got arrested last night, and everyone was just totally wrong about this entire thing...I still give ESPN 4 to 1 odds of posting a retraction. Eff ESPN.

My Body, My Soul, My Team: They're Not for Sale.

Honey dont walk out Im too drunk to follow /You know you wont feel this way
tomorrow
Well, maybe Im a little rough around the edges / Inside a little
hollow
I get faced with some things sometimes that are so hard to swallow
Hey hey hey I was born a rebel
--- Tom Petty, Rebels

You've all heard about this already. The thing about the Michigan fan who is so upset with his team that after a few losing seasons :gasp!: he decided to sell his loyalty on eBay. You know about it. So I'm not gonna run down the whole process of how he came to be a "fan" of our beloved "Mississippi" Rebels.

So you've already heard about it, and you've heard everyone else's opinion about it, and everyone else's opinion is exactly the same as mine. But I can't let this go. Tellingly anononymous and confused Michigan fan, you've tossed the proverbial softball into our little corner of the blogosphere. So here goes.

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that I am far from your prototypical apologist Ole Miss fan. I have torn down a goal post. I've been there when we've won games in Death Valley. I've cooked out and hosted frieds at two Super Regionals. We went to the Sweet Sixteen while I was in school. I can say, without hesitation, that Ole Miss athletics have provided some of the most thrilling, heart warming, unabashedly joyous moments of my life. I'd also like to point out - to all the Michigan fans taking this opportunity to say things like "OLE' MISS?!??! He gave us up for OLE' MISS??? LOLZZZZ!1!!!1!!!!1!!111 :(" - we've won just as many bowl games as you have. Sugars, Cottons, etcetera. We've won National Championships. People have disputed our Championships, but if you're going to discredit them, you're going to discredit the whole system. But that's a topic for another day.

I'm not here to talk about our wins, though. I'm here to talk about our losses, and more specifically, the style in which we lose. Because anonymous Michigan fan - we'll call you Timmy Timmerson - you mentioned how much it "hurt" to be a Wolverines fan. Umk Tim. Let's talk about "hurt".

Bryce, this is Tim Timmerson. Tim, Bryce Drew. Now Timmy, in this picture here, ol' Bryce isn't just hitting a miraculous last second shot for one of the most improbable upsets in NCAA Tournament history. He isn't just knocking out the No. 3 seed in the first round. He isn't just posturing for all the cameras, the ones that will replay this moment during every video montage intro to the Big Dance for the next couple of decades (and counting). No, Tim. What he's doing here is launching a frozen sledgehammer at your soul's crotch. What's that? You didn't think souls had crotches? They do. And everytime you see this image, or catch one of those montages, or ESPN comes up with some contrived corporately sponsored thing like "Vote online for Mitsubishi's Shot of the Century" during March, and they replay this God awful thing, Tim, your soul's balls get crushed with a frozen sledgehammer tossed from about 40 feet away. Welcome aboard, buddy!

And that's not the worst of it, friend. There's another play that the media just loves to make guys like me and you live through everytime something even remotely related happens. When Ivan Maisel or some other hack gets bored and comes up with some arbitrary list of "The Top 10 Plays that Shook the Earth" - trust me on this one, Timmy - he's going to reference Billy Cannon's punt return against Ole Miss in 1959. Nevermind that Ole Miss beat Cannon's LSU team later that season in the Sugar Bowl. They want to talk about this punt return. But its not even a punt return, Tim. Billy's not carrying the pig skin in that picture. He's not heading for the endzone. That photo is of Billy galloping through your new "Rebel aorta", evading white blood cells on his way to the center of your heart. And that's a football shaped dirty bomb. And Cannon's just a jihadist, just killing you a little bit on the inside everytime some producer at CBS needs some filler during a long timeout. Praise be to Allah, Tim! We're glad you're here.

Of course, there are your run-of-the-mill spirit murdering losses that are simply too numerous to list. But since you're a new Reb, you're going to be expected to do a little homework, buddy. Go ahead and Google "Doyle Jackson" for me. Then give me a 10 page report on whether its legal to throw a flag on a replay (Hint: Your thesis should include the phrases "trick question" and "We Are...Ole Miss"). Google "Jamarcus Russel" + Overtime + "scoop and score" - in no particular order. Give me a synopsis on when the phrase "fumbled on the one" stopped being a figure of speech for choking away an opportunity in your personal life and started being a very real, new way to shatter your hopes for a season.

I'll even give you a Cliff's Notes type of assignment. Just run and go look at the final scores of our losses from the past five years. Run and look that up real quick. Tell me when you see a pattern developing here, Timothy. I'll give you the answer for the last three years only, because quite frankly I haven't had my prozac yet and this little exercise in depression here is beginning to take its toll. Eleven. Eleven games over the past three years that we've lost by one possession or less. Tell me, Tim: Do you think it "hurts" more to a.) be just good enough and hard headed enough to consistently believe you're going to upset the best teams in the best conference in the nation, only to have those teams snatch away victory in the last minute of the game 4 times a year or b.) to have two losing seasons in Ann Arbor, one of which being under a first year head coach who is trying to implement an offensive system that requires the type of athlete who currently is not enrolled at the University of Michigan? Are you getting the picture, Tim?

I know this thing on eBay was fun for you, man. I know you donated the $300 you raised to a good charity. This whole thing was a prat fall you took for the amusement of your family and friends, else why would you not show your face on your video, right? But you did burn a good bit of Michigan paraphernalia. And that gives just enough viability to the idea that you are actually considering pulling for the University of Mississippi because, amazingly, you think it will "hurt" less. Nah, Tim. You don't know a damn thing about pain. At risk of sounding repetitive, pain and defeat are part and parcel of being a Rebel, man. A Rebel is, inherently, intimate with defeat. And a Rebel, inherently and stubbornly, believes that defeat is part of his past but not his future. He is forever arriving and yet he never arrives. Its a paradox, Timmy, one that you will never understand, and one that leaves us all in a very palpable world of hurt. And while there's plenty of room on the bandwagon, we do not have a spot for a turncoat who burns his gear after a couple of bad seasons.

Do yourself a favor, Tim. Protect your identity. Buy a new, like, Chad Henne jersey, or something. And on opening day next season, when everyone is undefeated and there is hope to be had again, wade anonymously into what I can only imagine is an asphalt-bound Michigan tailgating scene and just pretend this whole thing never happened. We'll all be glad to forget this entire production.

Guess You Won't be Needing these Alarm Clocks or Pillows...

Bling

Frebs has a good friend who is married to the daughter of a recently unemployed assistant coach at Auburn (contacts, a good blog must have contacts). He's a pretty good guy. A fan of Ole Miss, but contractually bound to pull for Auburn for the last few years. Nice as can be. Except for during bowl season, at which point he becomes insufferable.

For the past five years or so, said friend returns from whatever bowl Auburn has been to with a sack slung over his shoulder full of loot that these bowls heap on the participants and their families. You'll find serious bling in these gift packages. Jewelry. Expensive electronics. Nice clothing. The point is that players generally make out like bandits during bowl season, having found a nice little loop hole in that whole "NCAA athletes don't get paid" thing.

Now imagine, for a second, that you are Jason Cook. You have spent the last four years of your life busting your ass for Ole Miss, playing the least rewarding position on the field. Every year when you go home for Christmas, your smarmy brother is there, just smiling, with a new sack of loot he just got from whatever third-tier bowl South Carolina played in. You've waited your entire collegiate career to get that glib asshole back. Finally, in your senior season, your team is headed to one of the more prestigious bowls in the nation, and you just know you'll be the Fortunate Son at this year's family gathering. And then some asshole with a blog posts this report about what players get from each of the bowls this year. Ugh*:

2008 BOWL GIFTS TO PARTICIPANTS

New Mexico•

RCA video camcorder
Oakley Holeshot Three-Hand watch
Oakley beanie; New Era cap
Ogio travel bag, Oakley backpack
One-year ESPN The Magazine subscription

Pioneer Las Vegas•
Wii System bundle package
Oakley Holeshot Three-Hand watch
Oakley Hijinx sunglasses; hat


Sheraton Hawaii•
Kicker iKick500 iPod/iPhone dock
Kahala Aloha shirt, Oakley Hijinx sunglasses
Oakley backpack


Meineke Car Care•
Pure Digital Flip mini-camcorder
Fossil watch
Fossil sunglasses
Armor Gear backpack


Independence•

Timely Watch Co. watch
New Era cap
Trek mountain bike

Valero Alamo•
Sony 80-gigabyte PS3 system with game
Fossil watch

Pacific Life Holiday•

Insignia LCD 19-inch HDTV/DVD
Tourneau watch
Sport-Tek hooded sweatshirt
$45 Best Buy gift card

Brut Sun•

Sony DVD Handycam
Timely Watch Co. watch
Majestic fleece pullover, VP Sports cap
Armor Gear Dolly Llama luggage
Brut hair dryer

Insight •
Vizio 26-inch LCD HDTV
Bulova watch
Hat


Chick-fil-A •
Fossil watch
Two Russell hats
Russell travel bag
$300 Visa gift card; Chick-fil-A gift card

Konica Minolta Gator•
Bulova watch; Jostens ring
Oakley Split Thump MP3 sunglasses; fitted cap
Two-piece Mercury Luggage rolling duffel and sling bag


Rose Bowl presented by Citi •

Sony DVD camcorder
Fossil watch
Oakley sunglasses; New Era 59fifty hat
Ogio backpack
One-year ESPN The Magazine subscription

FedEx Orange •

Gifting suite; $300 in Sony Electronics^
Tourneau watch
New Era 59fifty hat; Crocs
Ogio backpack

AT&T Cotton•
Watch

AutoZone Liberty
Pure Digital Flip mini-camcorder
Fossil watch
Fossil sunglasses
Armor Gear backpack

Allstate Sugar•
Sony MP3 Walkman; Sony Blu-Ray player
Timely Watch Co. watch
New Era cap


Tostitos Fiesta•
Myvu personal media viewer; Apple iPod Nano
Kenneth Cole watch
Hat

FedEx BCS National Championship Game•
Gifting suite; $300 in Sony Electronics^
Tourneau watch
New Era 59fifty Hat; Crocs
Ogio duffle bag

* Chart was paired down for brevity's sake. The point is that even the most obscure bowls are seemingly giving out better gifts than the Cotton. Of course, for all we know, the watch is diamond encrusted or something. I would imagine its a fairly nice custom deal. But really, I'm not that far removed from being a college student myself, and I'd take the Alamo Bowl's gift package over our's in a heartbeat.

Patrick Willis is Pretty Good at Football

Still don't know how to post video straight to the page here, but I can always just link to things like P. Willie obliterating Jets wide receivers over the middle. I might get NFL Gameplan just to be able to watch this guy every Sunday.

It's Official: We Get Leach in the Cotton Bowl...Maybe.

I mean, we definitely will get Ta Tech in the Cotton Bowl. Which is pretty excellent. If you'd have told me before the season that we would play a top-10 team in the Cotton Bowl this year, I probably would have told you to keep your face out of my face. What's more? Right now I feel like we'll win this thing. But we've got just under a month to flesh that out.

The point of this post is this: Are we even gonna see the Pirate Captain on January 2? Some folks don't think so. And while, apparently, Washington has passed on Leach, and Auburn claims it isn't interested, we've still got a month until the game. And there are lots of openings right now, with more likely to come. And this guy is actively campaigning to get out of Lubbock.

What type of message does this send to the Raider team? The players can say G-rated things to the media all day long, but I don't see how they can't be a little distracted by all this. Not only distracted, but perhaps offended. If Leach isn't there at the Cotton Bowl, I fully expect them to turn in a half-assed effort. A la the Nutt-less Razorbacks last season. Just sayin'.

Rebs (and traitorous former Rebs) on the Wire

Its been a rough week at the office this week, and thus I apologize for disappointing all three of you who expect a daily post here at Forward Rebels. What makes this lack of posting / laziness all the more inexcusable is that there is much to talk about, Reb fans. I mean, two of our rivals fired their coaches, AK and crew were on TV against West Va last night, Peria and Mike got snubbed by the Conerly Trophy people, we still don't know where we'll spend New Year's and the Swamp People discovered Youtube just in time to blast a friend of Forward Rebs.

But before we get started looking into all this, I'd like to be the first to thank the writers of the Office, not only for being the funniest show on television, but also for allowing Ken Tremendous to make a cameo in tonight's episode. The show was obviously paying tribute to Fire Joe Morgan's exit from the bloggosphere when it decided to bring back Mose Schrute, Dwight's scary-backwoods, axemurdery, character-from-Deliverance, beet-farming cousin. In his most recent appearance, Mose pegged Andy in the head with a basketball. It literally made me spew the Dr. Pepper I was drinking.

Good shot, Mose!

Ok, without further ado:

• 
  
  As you've no doubt heard, Tommy Tubz stepped aside this week at Auburn. To summarize, I'm at once confused, excited, pleased in a jilted lover type of way, and curious. Obviously, all Ole Miss people should be a little pleased with a guy who fled Oxford under the cover of night to go to Auburn getting canned after a horrible season. Its kinda like watching your whorish ex-wife get a divorce from the guy she left you for. But in all honesty, why would Auburn do this? Who do they think they're gonna pull in? Whose got the cajones to place themselves in a situation where if you don't beat Nick Saban every year, you'll probably be gone after three seasons? Also, good for Ole Miss. I mean, between Aubs and State re-tooling for the foreseeable future, and with LSU down, and with Arkansas likely still re-building and learning next year...dare I say it...from the outset we look to have decent odds at a trip to Atlanta. Seriously. We swap Florida for Tennessee from the East next year. We can and should beat Vandy and South Carolina. All that's in the way is an Alabama squad who beat us by 4 this year. And we get them at home. Hmmmmm... but anywho, the more I learn about Tubs' recent track record, the less I can villainize Auburn. I mean, the guy hadn't exactly been tearing up the recruiting trails lately. From Jay Coulter, an Alabama sports journalist:
  
  

"I’ve been given access to the recruitment of a five star athlete (class of
2010) that is being recruited by most every school in the Southeast and really across the country. This kid has Auburn at the very top of his list. He’s been
to three games on campus this year as an unofficial visitor. Again, this is a
five star recruit. He’s visited with Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Mark Richt, Rich Brooks and Bobby Johnson during unofficial visits this year. He’s gotten alone time with each of them before games.
Hugh Nall is recruiting this kid and has been pretty good. Do you know how many times he’s spoken with Tuberville? Zero.
Nada. Not once has Tuberville introduced himself prior to the game. Nall wants to sign him badly. But yet Tubs has not made one effort in the process.
In contrast (this will make you sick), Nick Saban faxes this kid prior to each game on Friday with a handwritten note. He then follows up with a handwritten note mailed to him on Monday congratulating him on the prior week’s performance. How many notes has he received from Tuberville? Zero."

The point is this: Tubby is burned out. The Starkville rumors don't bother me one bit. He doesn't have the fire to seriously compete in the SEC any more, especially not at a school like Auburn where one 5 win season means you're jobless. That said, if the Tigers get Mike Leach, that could spell trouble in the long run. But I haven't ever been a longrunner. I'm looking at 2009 - 2010 as the Rebels' window of opportunity for Atlanta. And a daytripping, Pirate shipping, just plain weird Mike Leach at Auburn won't factor into those two years anyway you slice it. Also, FWIW, the homer blogs say the Pirate Captain ain't a-goin nowhere.

• 
  
  
  Well, the basketball squad gave the game away in the waning moments last night against West Virginia, although in all honesty, I didn't expect us to hang around for that long in the first place. Granted, West Va's got very, very good rebounders on their squad, but it became apparent last night, if it wasn't already, that we are seriously hurting at the forward position. Barring somebody on our frontline making a miraculous turnaround, we look to be NIT bound again. That said, the SEC is purty durn turrible on the whole this year, so we might sneak into the Big Dance thanks to a weak conference slate. Also, its become painfully obvious that Dahveed is far and away our best player. And he's legitimately good. But he's also legitimately spastic. There's an alien exploration post coming to Forward Rebs soon.

Yeah. This guy.

• 
  
  Football Awards are Gay:Mike Oher is one of the three best offensive linemen in the nation. Cool. But wait, Mike Oher is not a better football player than a D-III quarteback, and therefore not the best football player in the state of Mississippi. *letting it sink in* Yep. Would I trade my empty can of Diet Tab for the Conerly Trophy? No. No I would not.

• 
  
  On a related note: Peria Jerry leads Terrence Cody in every defensive statistic they keep track of, and the two played half their games against the same offensive linemen. I've stated before that I wouldn't trade the Truth for 3 Mt. Codys. And yet, because Cody goes to Bammer, he gets the recognition. Seriously - and I could go on for days about this, but I'll try to be succinct - collegiate football awards are entirely subjective and thus are horse shit. From the Conerly Trophy on up to the Heisman, nay, on up to the AP Poll, all collegiate awards and rankings are horse shit. The Heisman trophy should go as a package prize to the number one overall pick in the NFL Draft. Eat shit if you disagree.

• 
  
  On the bowl watch, it really seems to me that the Cap One is a pipe-dream. I mean, why would the Cap One take an 8-4 team from 20 hours away over a 9-3 team from like (totally guessing) 5 hours away. Isn't the objective to reward good teams and also sell as many tickets as you can? That said, the Hotty Toddy Blog provides the most logical argument for us to go to Orlando yet in the whole debate. Still, methinks we're grasping for straws. Get your hotel in Dallas already.

• 
  
  Finally, some Swamp Folk discovered the webz. And then they proceeded to post a video of our good friend Ern on the web. Turns out if you kneel it out on the one-yard-line, LSU fans stop making out with eachother and start filming the celebration around them. Honestly, I would otherwise care less about this quasi-funny youtube video, but Ern is a friend of ours. And while he's clearly inebriated in the video, he doesn't deserve to be ridiculed by some swamp person with webbed feet. From what I've heard, Ern's having fun with the video, and probably soaking up the sympathy he's received at becoming the latest youtube sensation. Sympathy like this little post I'm writing right now. And for the record, Ern is more hetero than Peppy Le Pew. Like, painfully hetero. Oh well, nobody messes with my little buddy. It's my duty to protect him.

Me and Ern. To scale.

Post scriptum: Whenever you hear other, maybe more popular Ole Miss blogs just now catching on to the shark thing, please remember that you first heard about the Land Sharks at Forward Rebs. After all, if you were paying attention, you would've noticed Powe doing the dorsal fin at the Vandy game, like we did.

Laaaaaayyyyy-LA! (Kiffin's wife)

So I know this is a bit of a change of pace, but we've got a while before the next game. And these pictures are floating around the netterwebs, and I needed another post for my "females" tag, anyway.

I for one think the Kiffin hire at UT could go either way. Say what you want about the guy's lack of experience, if he brings the Ogre on as a D-Line coach I am worried about where they could be in 3 years. That said, since the Rebs pick up UT next year, if Orgeron is on that sideline look for the older guys on our team to play above their heads. Paricularly one large gentleman named John Jerry, in re: the whole Georgia game "We just don't have SEC caliber players" debacle.

Also, the addition of Kiffin's dad would also be a great hire for the Vols. Seriously, this could work out well for them provided everyone gets along. Of course that's never a given as long as the Ogre is anywhere near Layla Kiffin.

If she'd only give him a chance...

Mulling it Over: From the Beaches of Amity Island

Gi. Ggi. Tty.

HN: Oh hey there Frebs! Heh, Frebby-man! The Frebster! Frebby-reb-reb! Heh, what's up there, bud?

FR: Oh. Hey Coach. Good to see you again. Sorry I'm not feeling well (again) but apparently sitting out in a damp, cool, drizzly afternoon for three-hours isn't the best thing to do when you're battling a headcold. Don't think the whole cheap whiskey thing helped much either.

HN: Aw hell, Frebelicious, you stayed for that whole damn game? Thing was over before my first Gatorade break man. You shoulda left after Dex hit the sideline and turned north on that first little TD scamper, bud.

FR: You may be right, old pal. Anyhow, helluva win there. You may not know it yet, but you'll make and keep a whole lotta friends in our little hamlet if you keep beating the pants off of LSU and State. Just you wait and see.

HN: Listen little bud, if I wanted to hear "good game" I'd just call up Sylvester again. He uh, he quit answerin my calls at midnight. Said something about a meeting with his boss. Whatev. Listen gimme the skinny on this win. You think we got a defensive line, or what?

FR: Well Houston I guess I'll answer that question with a little story. I went to Catholic school, see, and because of some type of beef between the church itself and the Mississippi Private School Association, I wasn't able to play sports against other kids that looked like me. I don't know how much you know about Mississippi's public school system, Houston, but let me just tell you there aren't many 5'7 130 pound white kids on any of the public schools' basketball rosters that I'm aware of, at least not the ones we played against.

As you might imagine, this caused some problems for my teams throughout school. I only mention all this because I remember one particular game from Jr. High when my basketball squad was playing our crosstown rivals from O'Bannon. Heading into the fourth quarter on that fateful night in Greenville, we hadn't scored a single basket. The score was literally 60 - 0 by the time me and my fourth-string friends entered the game. I quickly found out that the other team didn't care much about scoring any more. They had their own little game-within-the-game, one that involved (not joking here) a point system based off of how high up in the bleachers they could swat one of our shots. Blocked shots that didn't leave the court got zero points. Blocked shots that made it to the student section (down low) got five points. The higher the ball landed in the stands, the more poinits, ya see? It was demoralizing.

I only mention all this because after watching several replays of the Egg Bowl, its obvious our defense had a similar game-within-the-game going on. There's a youtube video floating around the webs that shows each of our sacks. Its obvious that our players don't even get excited for the shoe-string tackles, the "qb conceding the sack" type hits. But when they lower the boom, a la Jamarca Sanford on MSU's third-string guy's first play, they go ape shit. They throw up the dorsal fin. They start talking smack --- to eachother. It's like they're challenging themselves to be more destructive. Can you see me smiling, Coach? A Rebel defense with a swagger? I effing love that shit.

HN: Uh, did you say something about Catholic school girls? Giggi...

FR: Easy Coach. I ain't done.

Amid all the defensive love, we shouldn't overlook the fact that we just put up 45 points against a solid SEC defense. Say what you will about how terrible the Bulldogs were this year, they had a legit defense that featured some SEC caliber talent. And don't listen to anyone tell you that they gave up after it got lopsided. We put up 24 points in the first quarter - meaning they were still keyed up - of a rivalry game that they looked at as their only bowl game this year. Jevan did his efficient thing, minus one throw, and the WRs (Mike Wallace) proved once again that they are the most underrated unit in the SEC. BTdubs, Hootie, check plus for that play action bomb just before half.

HN: Yeah I figured you'd like that. Listen, heh, Frebbalebadingdong, what say you about uh, about these bowls? Orlando? Dallas?

FR: Well, much like everyone else, Coach, I guess it all comes down to the opponent for me. Orlando would be fun, but only if we're embarrassing Jim Tressel again. The media coverage there would be wonderful for our program, no doubt about it. But, should tOSU sneak into the BCS bowls (likely) I don't want to wind up playing Michigan State if we could be beating up on super weird / Adult Attention Deficit Disorderite Mike Leach. After all, beating up on a top-10 school who's fans don't think we deserve to be there in the first place would just be the perfect cherry on top of this season.

Like most of our fans, Hootie, there are really only about 6 teams in the nation that I don't want to play right now. We may be all starry-eyed and delusional, but after the last four years, I can't fight this feeling anymore. Oh, to have the Truth and DK fully healthy during the Wake and Vandy games. Ah, to have another shot at Alabama now that we've figured out how to play defense and hold onto the ball. Them's the breaks I guess.

A short note to Leach, Tressel, et. al.

Listen fellas, this:

does not a gameplan make. Stick to the x's and o's, aight? Also, Leach, in light of this Baylor game we're watching here, uh...

You're going to need a bigger boat, you weirdo nerd.

Croom Relives the Horror; Takes a Bow

Aye, but we floated with character...

The scene: aboard the Orca, first light just creeping over the horizon. The ship's three passengers are weary. After a long night of drinking, the crew still has the refrain of "Oh what shall we do with you seven Spanish ladies" running through their heads. A delirious, somber mood has suddenly overtaken them, as the reality of their predicament settles in again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd Scene:

Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus/Greg Byrne) - "You were on the Indianapolis?"

Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider/Mark Keenum) - "What happened?"

Quint (Robert Shaw/Sly Croom) - "Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We was comin' back from a win in Starkville over Petrino. A week away from the offseason. Solid class comin' in. We'd just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. One game left, see. Smooth sailin, right? Well, eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 15 minutes.

Didn't see the first shark for about five minutes. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week.

Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that shark he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away.

Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces.

You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Wide receiver. Boson's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist.

At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later they started to pick us up. Called the game. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, November 28, 2008.

Anyway, we delivered the bomb. I'll just leave you men to yourselves now.

:Quint/Croom exits the hull, jumps overboard:

:Lights slowly fade to black, leaving the two men in stunned silence:

Truthiness

Silver lining, Jarrett. Your day's over and you didn't throw any TD's to the other team.

Off to never neverland...

Just came across this picture and decided it was too much not to share. The gentleman in red there is far and away the scariest human being on the planet. Yeah. It's Shark Week, Sly. Bring your floaties. More images of the coming destruction to follow.

Ed.: Its worth noting that the Oracle spake thusly: "Peria will be foremost on (Lee's) mind."

Mulling it Over: Despite a Moral Hangover

HN: Ha ha hoooooo. Hey hey Frebs! Hows it hangin, bud? I'm just livin it up, just lovin life. Just lovin this school here and this here helmet. Pleased as pie. Walkin on sunshine. Happier than a pig in shit! Get it!?! A PIG!!! hahahaha! IN SHIT!!! Like Arkansas!

FR: Uh yeah, hey coach. I get it.

HN: Well, lil' buddy, you're not looking too good. I mean, ha, we just uh, just beat LSU.

FR: Believe me coach, I know. I celebrated after the game like Randy Marsh on election night. Dancing. Hollering. Calling the dinosaurs. I'm paying for it today, ya see.

HN: Aw hell Frebs. Grow a pair and let me know what I need to know about these Rebels following that win.

FR: *Sigh* I'll try, Houston. I'll try.

• 
  
  First and foremost, Houston, lets see the forest for the trees here. Big time players show up in big time games. I know you come to me for "insight" and "details" and stuff, but the most obvious observation is also the most important one: Jevan Snead and Peria Jerry are men among boys. Just because they're your best players doesn't mean that we shouldn't mention that sometimes. Now believe me when I tell you that I wish Jevan would turn in that performance every game, but there is something comforting in the knowledge that the guy shows up in a big way when the lights are at their brightest. His three best games have come against ranked opponents and on the road. As for the Truth, Coach, he went ahead and settled things for me, personally, on Saturday. My firstborn, boy or girl, will be named Peria. Wife won't even have a say in the matter. Little Peria Frebs "Sharky" Barnes.

HN: Yeah, ha. I figured you'd say that about Peria. Djoo see him hit that backup QB? You know, the one who was only in the game because Peria demolished the guy in front of him?

FR: Yeah I saw th...

HN: Man alive! I thought that Jefferson kid was going to come up headless. I mean, huh, I like Peria and everything but I uh, I ain't trying to kill nobody Frebs.

FR: It was LSU, Coach. Que sera sera.

• Now, after the watching the game, Coach, I will say I'm a little disappointed with CBS. I mean, it had been a long week at the office. Weather had been bad. Dealing with some things at home. All I want in this life is to settle in on Saturday afternoon, knock back a few brews, and learn a little bit about my man Herman Johnson! But Nooooo! CBS panned back to the damn FOOTBALL GAME like three times right in the middle of the "Ode to Herman Johnson" they were running in the first quarter. Come the fuck on Verne! I'm tryin to hear about the demi-god Hermanus here! So far, all I know is that he loves macaroni and peach cobbler, and that his favorite movie is Madagascar. And of course, he was the biggest baby in the history of the universe. I expect a full apology from CBS, and an "Ode to Herman, Vol. II" during next week's LSU / Arkansas game.

HN: Uh, what? Is that the big fella on their OL?

FR: Yeah Hootie don't worry about it. DK ruined the very last play that guy will ever have at his home field. Way to show up for your obligatory one play, DK.

• Anyhow, other than Peria and Jevan, you've also gotta give game balls to the following people, in this order: Kendrick Lewis, Mike Wallace, Tony Fein, Big Mike and Rob Park.

HN: Rob Park?

FR: Yes, Robbie. Did you see when the cheater/mini-me Trindon Holliday waved everybody off, then picked the ball up and started to run, despite the clearly audible whistles from all the refs that made all of our players stop and head for the sideline? Remember? And then all the Carnie Folk in the stands started booing loudly? Well, Rob Park chased the little booger down into the endzone and patted him on the helmet and obviously said something smart assed.

HN: Aw hell he wasn't being a smart ass. Rob told me he just told the kid that he loved his work in Bad Santa.

• OK Coach, I know everybody is going to be asking you about this, but I'd like to go on the record and say that I'm glad we kneeled it out on the one yard line. Not entirely because its classy, but because it is simultaneously demoralizing. NOTHING says "I'm better than you" than actually having to show mercy to your enemy. You know those bastards hated that. Even though that cheating DE came in and tried to take a cheap shot, we still did the right thing. And mercifully for him, I think Daverin Geralds or somebody got into Big Mike's ear and convinced him that he didn't need to pulverize the unsuspecting DE.

HN: Well, we had to have a little mercy, Frebs. I mean, huh, we dominated those Carnies for four quarters. All phases of the game, Frebs. Also, before I forget, Coach Nix told me to tell that Oracle bitch to go drink some bleach. "Big things for Charles Scott?" Yeah, Tony Fein gave him a big old cockpunch! Hayyyyoooooooo! Anyhow, this piece is supposed to be about what the win means, Frebs, so what can you tell me, you know, going forward?

FR: I can't tell you nothing, Coach. Go on with your bad self. In all sincerity, it means a lot to us to see our players searching you out after a big play, just for a high five. It means a lot to see them smiling on the sidelines. They love you, and perhaps surprisingly and maybe a little reluctantly, we do too, Coach. You are bat-shit crazy but we couldn't care less. Congratulations on a huge win, and keep 'em headed in the right direction. Forward.

Also, just a little FYI, it's Frebs' Sharkweek 2K8, Coach. Steer clear of the deep end.

The Oracle Speaketh

The Magnolia Bowl? Well, let me see...

Lot of predictions being thrown around about tomorrow's big game. Based solely on personal observation, most of the Tiger fans are calling for *gasp* an LSU win, albeit by small margins. Apparently the Kool-Aid runneth over this week for Rebel fans, as the majority believe *gasp* Ole Miss will win by a substantial margin. But the Oracle cares not for these predictions. She told you not to eat the red pills. She tells you now not to drink the red Kool-Aid. Take it away, Big O.

Oracle: Well well well. This really is a paradox, young ones. Lets play a little game before I get started: The team I'm picking has a young, turnover prone quarterback. They have a highly touted offensive line. They have a very productive running attack. They have a monster at defensive tackle. They are vulnerable against the pass. And, child, they have at least one headcase that will be the deciding factor. Now, are you weeping? Are you smiling? Of course you are.

Understand that these teams have much in common. Much in common. We'll have to look a little closer to figure this one out.

When Ole Miss has the ball: Do you remember, child, the first two drives of the South Carolina game? When Bolden and Eason ran wild through gaps as wide as Jackson Avenue? Yes, I see a strong start for the ground game this time around, too. The Tigers will come out emotionally spent from the past two adrenaline draining games, flat from the atmosphere of Senior Day, and the Rebels will score a touchdown on the opening drive.

I see Jevan coming out crisp. I see Shay with a big catch early. But things will get tougher from there. Just as Jevan is finding his groove, Lester will discover that pressure is the key to stopping Ole Miss. He'll send six at a time at the quarterback, and the Rebel OL will begin to buckle.

To counter, Houston will try the Wild Rebel for two series in the second quarter, to decidedly bad results. The second half will depend upon how well Ole Miss can hold off the pass rush. Look for a screen to Bolden for a big gain. I see the freshman shining in front of a hometown crowd. I see him with two TDs. I see two costly turnovers for the team.

Born on the Bayou

When LSU has the ball: Remember, child, when I told you Ole Miss would score on the opening drive? Well this does not bode well early for the Tigers. Lester will want to run the score up early, and will foolishly test the Rebels deep. I see a deep drive, but a costly interception for Jarret Lee. He hears too much, child. He hears the boos. He sees the things they write. He sees Peria, too. Peria will be foremost in his mind.

My head ain't filled with nothing but cats and rockin' chairs

Nonetheless, the speedster Byrd will be too much for the Ole Miss secondary to contain. He'll have a touchdown. And Lee will finish with 200 yards.

He'll have enough big completions in the first half to loosen up the box for Charles Scott. I see big things for Mr. Scott, child. Big things. 150 yards types of things. Two TDs types of things. I see three turnovers for the Tigers. The last of which is crucial.

And in the end: I see the troubled one, the one you call DK, he will make a crucial stop on the last drive as LSU tries to take the lead for the first time all game. He jars the ball from Lee's hands as chemically-imbalanced meets emotionally unstable. I see the kicker Shene tacking on insurance points in the last minute of the game. I see the Rebels leaving victorious, 31-24. And when this happens, young one, Kentrell Lockett will establish the Magnolia Bowl's first mini-tradition. He will run to the Ole Miss section with the newly created trophy and go Happy Gilmore with it, placing it to his pelvis and thrusting wildly. The crowd will go wild. He will, indeed, have that wood.

A Real Cool Hand; Waiting for the Big One

"It's all now you see. Yesterday wont be over until tomorrow and tomorrow began ten thousand years ago. For every Southern boy fourteen years old, not once but whenever he wants it, there is the instant when it's still not yet two oclock on that July afternoon in 1863, the brigades are in position behind the rail fence, the guns are laid and ready in the woods and the furled flags are already loosened to break out and Pickett himself with his long oiled ringlets and his hat in one hand probably and his sword in the other looking up the hill waiting for Longstreet to give the word and it's all in the balance, it hasn't happened yet, it hasn't even begun yet, it not only hasn't begun yet but there is still time for it not to begin..."

-- from Faulkner's Intruder in the Dust

Its already been one hell of an anticipatory week for college football fans. And not a real easy time to get any work done at the office for me. Every time I try to clear my head and get at the things that I do to pay the bills, I start to see it unfold all over again. We will be in that corner of the endzone at Tiger Stadium. It will be Senior Day - for all LSU's faults, I've got to admit that the way they handle Senior Day is first rate - and we'll be sitting there half-heartedly applauding when their guys come walking out of the opposite tunnel. We'll be polite but internally we'll be ready to explode. When the Rebels finally appear we'll erupt, though everybody watching at home on CBS will only hear the boo's. And we'll remember who we're dealing with. But in the moments before kick-off we will reach a fever pitch, only this time it'll be a little different.

See I've been reading what the other schools have been saying all week, too. There's a couple other pretty big rivalry games coming up and they, too, have a little different flavor to them this year. Like this one up in Ann Arbor. For the first time in recent memory, Michigan won't be bowling this year. Won't be playing for a piece of the Big 10. Won't be jockeying for BCS position. Won't be doing anything but laying everything they've got on the line in an effort to take down their blood rival. And Lord, are they ready. You'd have to think more so than they've ever been.

Ditto for Auburn. A team that's so used to being in the national picture in November has been whittled down to playing for nothing more than respect. Or for disrespect, depending on how you look at it. Tommy Tuberville's team has racked up 6 straight W's in the Iron Bowl, won damn near every one they've played this century. And in that time span Alabama's fans and various administrators have tried to play off the losses as if they simply don't mean that much. They'll tell you that the Iron Bowl means less than the National Title picture - one that the Tide is finally involved in after years of searching. I'd be willing to bet the Tiders are singing a different tune if things go down this year like they're supposed to. But 'supposed to' never amounts to much in these games. And Auburn's fans know that all too well.

These teams, see, they're going in for the first time in a while knowing that everyone discounts them. Funny how that "us against the world" thing molds, welds, congeals an entire program in the days leading up to the big one. With all due respect, Tigers and Wolverines, welcome to my world. Welcome to every third weekend in November for the Rebels. Welcome to this thing, this silly little contest between 18-22 year old students, that keeps me up at night. Because the past few years, as you know, things have been going crummy for the Rebels, much like they have for you this year. And it only makes it all the worse when that team and those people that you hate - and there is no other word for it but hate - is bringing home football-shaped chrystals in January. Yeah, we can empathize.

Except this year they are trying to take that mentality away from us. Vegas keeps bumping that line down, and Troy came in and did their thing last week, and we had that game in the Swamp and so on and the next thing you know these assholes are trying to tell me that a.) well, we're supposed to win, anyway and b.) they don't really consider us a rival anyhow. Nah, son. We're not gonna let you pre-emptively neuter the feeling we're going to take away from Saturday's game.

Just because you may or may not be in the midst of a shitty year, you cannot take away the essence of who we are. We're Rebels, you see. Rebels. And sometimes defeat is part and parcel of that whole thing.

But as you know, when we go down, we go down swinging. How else do you explain the scores from the past few years? Why else would a team in the midst of a two-time National Championship run need overtime to dispose of a team that was a year away from going winless in the SEC? We're not there for moral victories. We're not there for the symbolism of being 'rebellious.' Do you think you can convince Justin Vincent that Patrick Willis was just trying to be symbolic when he leveled him with what some have called the perfect tackle in a game that the Rebels supposedly had no business even being in? Do you think John Jerry was only trying to prove a small conciliatory point when he tore through the line to block an extra point as time expired in 2006? Better yet, do you think the seniors on our team (or yours) have just forgotten about the way these games played out?

It seems self-evident to me that no matter how many first rounders LSU produces, no matter how many BCS bowl games they win, no matter how comparatively terrible our team may be, everybody involved knows that none of that shit matters when the whistle blows because this is a balls-out blood-and-guts knife-fight rivalry. These things are not symbols.

Luke got up every single time Big George Kennedy knocked him down in the middle of that prison-yard ring, with all the other prisoners telling him to stay down for his own good. "It's not your fault, he's just too big," they tell him. They were on his side. He'd already proved his point. But the little son of a bitch keeps getting up. He's not there to prove a point. Neither are we.

We'll be in that ring Saturday because we believe that we are just better than you. We are not there for moral victories. We are not there simply to prove that we belong. We are not just happy to be there. Everytime we've gotten up for the past six years its because we believe that we are better than you. We do and we are. You've had us for a while now, we'll give you that. You've got the trophies. You've got the recognition. You've got the glory. But for now, with it all in the balance, here we are coming back again. This is us ready to fight. This is us cranking this shit up to '11'. This is me with two arms raised, both middle fingers in the air. This is defiance. This game is what it means to be one of us.

Forward, Rebels.

That's What She Designed! LOLz!

Oh boy. Listen gang, as much as I hate LSU (with every fiber and metaphysical quantity of my very being), even I will admit that it was sorta time to fully flesh out this rivalry of ours. Its taken a century - a century - of much-ballyhooed, highly entertaining, hate-filled battles for someone to finally decide that we should have a name for this game. I was satisfied.

And while I'm not happy with the name for the thing - the Magnolia Bowl - I must admit that I couldn't have come up with anything better. I mean, the "I Think You All Have Mosquito DNA and are Probably Genetic Cousins to the Salamander Bowl" just doesn't really flow off the tongue, and the "Straight Up Hate Bowl" would no doubt further prompt LSU's fans to commit violence at the games. So the Magnolia Bowl, I guess I can learn to live with that.

And what type of trophy, praytell, should represent the Magnolia Bowl? If you guessed a penis in mid-ejaculate, as the always funny Godfrey Show described it, you were correct. *Sigh*

The trophy, designed of course by one of the Swamp People in like art grad-school or something,.. ugh. I can't even finish writing this. I keep looking at that ridiculous picture.

Way to crap on 100 years of storied football history and tradition, Swamp People. If we win, I'd like to be the first to suggest that this thing finds its way to the bottom of Lake Sardis. Then we can have like a do-over for trophy designs. I wouldn't trade an empty can of Diet Tab for this trophy.

Of Broken French and Physical Intimidation: Baton Rouge, LA

As if this pic wasn't funny enough without the corndogs. Unnecessary Photoshop.

Listen gang I think a lot of the time, the bitterness that exists between SEC rivals is largely unwarranted and over the line. I mean, at the end of the day, people have to understand that the same walk-on alumni trashy elements that they decry in other schools' fanbases also represent a small portion of their own school's fans. All I'm trying to say is that while I'll still lightheartedly call MSU fans rednecks, I'm not naieve enough to believe that there isn't a large amount of Ole Miss fans who hang out in gas-station parking lots and have like camo seat covers in their trucks and a picture of Calvin urinating on some auto maker's logo on their windows. Clearly the youtube message board brand of low brow trash talk is largely unfounded when it makes these broad-ranging generalizations.

Which is why I'm not going to sit here and say all or even most LSU fans are trashy, militantly drunk people. It should go without saying that the majority of their fans are at the least decent, educated, generally nice human beings who just want to see their football team win. BUT as far as I can tell, a larger-than-par-for-the-SEC-course portion of Tiger fans consistently do their part to uphold this stereotype that they lack even a vague idea of what it means to be hospitable or have a degree of social tact. I don't even mind the whole burning a straw-Saban in effigy thing or mass texting /calling opposing players. I wouldn't want our school doing it but that's relatively harmless. [Rumor has it their gearing up to attack Jevan's cell phone. I don't much care considering how it worked out for them the past three times they've done it.]

Can you hear me now?

I'm talking about the really classless stuff. I mean if they're not spitting on people, or drunkenly cursing at small children or old women, then they're trying to tip over Tennessee's bus (or at least throwing bottles through the windows), or hospitalizing opposing fans, or just generally being assholes. Even an objective observer would have to admit that these horror stories come out of Baton Rouge WAY more frequently than they do from any other SEC town. Not that every other school's fans act like angels, but damn, how many piss bombs do you have to hurl at unsuspecting people before you get your point across? This stuff simply wouldn't fly elsewhere.

And why? Why do LSU fans feel the urge to do this crazy shit? Do they think that they are like proving their fanhood through these acts of rabid fanaticism? Is it some sort of "we love our team more than you love your team" just asshole-off -- like "let's see who can be the biggest ass to show them how much it all means to us" type of deal? I honestly don't get it. It's like it doesn't occur to them that they are playing right into this terrible stereotype of themselves. At least until these fine investigative (if not ditzy) journalists decided to go through the looking glass at the Alabama game.

Two young ladies with the LSU campus paper The Daily Reveille decided to bring a camera along as they hung out at various LSU tailgates before the big game with Alabama two weeks ago - only they wore Alabama gear while doing it. What ensued was a couple of hours in which they were cursed at and had things thrown at them. Remember, dear readers, these were what appeared to be 20-year old girls. In the afternoon - before the sun set and the crazies really came out.

Now the best part of that link is the posts that LSU fans make under the video clip. Things like "Well I hope you girls got the reaction you were looking for. Way to make the school look bad." With all due respect, anonymous message board posters, I believe it was the drunk Coonass who threw a whiskey bottle at a young woman who made your school look bad. Honestly, why is there not a degree of public scorn in any of those video clips? I can say without any doubt that if I were to hurl a bottle at a 20-year old girl in broad daylight in the middle of the Grove - no matter what color her sweatshirt was - somebody, anybody, would likely punch me in the face just on principle.

I guess what I'm saying is this: Be careful this weekend Rebs. Keep your head on a swivel. Not joking here. Don't go anywhere alone.

Ed: Turns out the Reveille girls could only air so much of the footage they got from the 'Bama game. For a more detailed, written account of their afternoon, visit the follow-up editorial they wrote. Also, what strikes me as a little off, as a daywalking journalist, is just how flippant these girls are about the whole situation. I mean, they got spat upon, had things thrown at them, were groped by men and called "cunts" by women, and they end their account of it all with a 'gosh-darn-it-that-was-kinda-not-so-good-behavior' quote like "Maybe we should tone it down just a little." I mean, if these girls were describing a genocide, would they summarize the story with "Maybe killing people isn't all it's made out to be! ;) KTHNXBAI!" ?

FJM's Greatest Hits: Most Definitely NOT Sac Bunts

So I know that this is like the most important week of the year for serious Rebs. And diverting attention away from the LSU game is fairly blasphemous. But its Monday, and I simply cannot let the passing of the funniest blog on the intertubes go unnoticed. I'll have plenty of LSU content up by the time this week is done, but for now I'd like to reflect on my favorite Fire Joe Morgan piece of all time.

For those of you who don't know, the site was created to militantly and hilariously ridicule all of the dunderheaded baloney that baseball writers and broadcasters get away with on a daily basis. They targeted all the morons, but in particular they hated Plaschke, Joe Morgan, Skip Bayless, Scoop Jackson, John Kruk and their ilk. They hated hot air, ambiguous words like "grit" and "heart". Hated the sac-bunt, pitchers' W-L statistics and in general just articles that were meaningless and buttarded. The articles these guys produced were cosistently inane and baseless and rhetorical. One such article that came across the desk of Ken Tremendous (aka Michael Schur, lead writer for the Office) was found on MSN's online sports page. It had all of the proto-typical dumbassery that got the guys at FJM fired up: it was based on the age-old cliche that baseball players are soft, it criticised the game as boring and long and perhaps most unforgivingly, it ridiculed those baseball fans who lean heavily on the numbers to tell them about their favorite teams and players. Big mistake, MSN. If FJM was about anything, it was about protecting baseball lovers from the constant "nerd" insults (see: Basement, Mother's) from people who didn't understand what WHIP meant.

Please find Ken's smartassed response below. MSN's quotes in bold. KT's replies in italics. And if you're a baseball fan, do yourself and favor and visit their site to go through their archives.

Statistics

If I want a lesson in mathematics, I’ll walk through the halls of MIT, not the turnstiles of Yawkey Way. We’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves, aren’t we?

Oh, we're enjoying ourselves, J-Mo. And here's the thing about statistics, which to me seems self-evident, but to pseudonymous blowhards might not: you don't have to use them, if you don't want to.

On-base percentages, opponent on-base plus slugging percentages, sabermetrics … Alan Greenspan might enjoy crunching the numbers, but for those of us who’d rather leave our brains at work, the cold-beverage-intake-to-bladder-outflow ratio makes a whole lot more sense.

Bra. Seriously, bra. Fuck these nerds. For serious. True story, bra -- I'm at the game yesterday. I'm wasted. Seriously, bra, I've had like eleven brews. I'm there with my boy Donnie -- awesome guy. Solid guy. The papers call him the "Laundry Room Rapist." So Donnie's like, "Bra, you want another one?" And I'm like, "Shitchyea, dude! I ain't driving!" And Donnie's all, "Bra, you are driving, remember?" And I was like, "Ohhhh shit!" And we high-five, right?
So basically everything was awesome. We were crushing it, bra. And then, this little fucking nerd in front of us is like, "Can you be careful? You're spilling beer on my daughter's head," and I'm like, "Whatever dude -- it's a ballgame. Shut up and enjoy the ride!" and he's like, "Just try to be more considerate," and then his little nerd son is like, "Daddy, look, Manny's up!" and his nerd dad is like, "Let's go Manny!" and his nerd son is like, "His batting average is down to .288" and that's when I just lost it, bra. Those fucking nerds and their numbers. So I pull my rod out -- you know, because I have to piss, right? -- and the guy is all, "Hey! You can't do that here!" and I'm like, "Sorry, nerdbra, the only statistic I care about is how many brewskis I've had and how much piss I've pissed" and the next thing you know security is dragging me out and they're all like, "You're banned for life" and I'm like, "Bra, what the hell?" and they're like "You pulled your penis out and urinated at your seat and there's vomit on your forearm, and also you can't smoke in the stadium, and your friend is wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants," and I'm like "He's Donald Ducking it, bra -- it's classic!" and they're like, "Get out of here and never come back."
And that's when I realized: nerds have ruined baseball.

Thanks for the memories FJM.