Mulling it Over: Despite a Moral Hangover

HN: Ha ha hoooooo. Hey hey Frebs! Hows it hangin, bud? I'm just livin it up, just lovin life. Just lovin this school here and this here helmet. Pleased as pie. Walkin on sunshine. Happier than a pig in shit! Get it!?! A PIG!!! hahahaha! IN SHIT!!! Like Arkansas!

FR: Uh yeah, hey coach. I get it.

HN: Well, lil' buddy, you're not looking too good. I mean, ha, we just uh, just beat LSU.

FR: Believe me coach, I know. I celebrated after the game like Randy Marsh on election night. Dancing. Hollering. Calling the dinosaurs. I'm paying for it today, ya see.

HN: Aw hell Frebs. Grow a pair and let me know what I need to know about these Rebels following that win.

FR: *Sigh* I'll try, Houston. I'll try.

• 
  
  First and foremost, Houston, lets see the forest for the trees here. Big time players show up in big time games. I know you come to me for "insight" and "details" and stuff, but the most obvious observation is also the most important one: Jevan Snead and Peria Jerry are men among boys. Just because they're your best players doesn't mean that we shouldn't mention that sometimes. Now believe me when I tell you that I wish Jevan would turn in that performance every game, but there is something comforting in the knowledge that the guy shows up in a big way when the lights are at their brightest. His three best games have come against ranked opponents and on the road. As for the Truth, Coach, he went ahead and settled things for me, personally, on Saturday. My firstborn, boy or girl, will be named Peria. Wife won't even have a say in the matter. Little Peria Frebs "Sharky" Barnes.

HN: Yeah, ha. I figured you'd say that about Peria. Djoo see him hit that backup QB? You know, the one who was only in the game because Peria demolished the guy in front of him?

FR: Yeah I saw th...

HN: Man alive! I thought that Jefferson kid was going to come up headless. I mean, huh, I like Peria and everything but I uh, I ain't trying to kill nobody Frebs.

FR: It was LSU, Coach. Que sera sera.

• Now, after the watching the game, Coach, I will say I'm a little disappointed with CBS. I mean, it had been a long week at the office. Weather had been bad. Dealing with some things at home. All I want in this life is to settle in on Saturday afternoon, knock back a few brews, and learn a little bit about my man Herman Johnson! But Nooooo! CBS panned back to the damn FOOTBALL GAME like three times right in the middle of the "Ode to Herman Johnson" they were running in the first quarter. Come the fuck on Verne! I'm tryin to hear about the demi-god Hermanus here! So far, all I know is that he loves macaroni and peach cobbler, and that his favorite movie is Madagascar. And of course, he was the biggest baby in the history of the universe. I expect a full apology from CBS, and an "Ode to Herman, Vol. II" during next week's LSU / Arkansas game.

HN: Uh, what? Is that the big fella on their OL?

FR: Yeah Hootie don't worry about it. DK ruined the very last play that guy will ever have at his home field. Way to show up for your obligatory one play, DK.

• Anyhow, other than Peria and Jevan, you've also gotta give game balls to the following people, in this order: Kendrick Lewis, Mike Wallace, Tony Fein, Big Mike and Rob Park.

HN: Rob Park?

FR: Yes, Robbie. Did you see when the cheater/mini-me Trindon Holliday waved everybody off, then picked the ball up and started to run, despite the clearly audible whistles from all the refs that made all of our players stop and head for the sideline? Remember? And then all the Carnie Folk in the stands started booing loudly? Well, Rob Park chased the little booger down into the endzone and patted him on the helmet and obviously said something smart assed.

HN: Aw hell he wasn't being a smart ass. Rob told me he just told the kid that he loved his work in Bad Santa.

• OK Coach, I know everybody is going to be asking you about this, but I'd like to go on the record and say that I'm glad we kneeled it out on the one yard line. Not entirely because its classy, but because it is simultaneously demoralizing. NOTHING says "I'm better than you" than actually having to show mercy to your enemy. You know those bastards hated that. Even though that cheating DE came in and tried to take a cheap shot, we still did the right thing. And mercifully for him, I think Daverin Geralds or somebody got into Big Mike's ear and convinced him that he didn't need to pulverize the unsuspecting DE.

HN: Well, we had to have a little mercy, Frebs. I mean, huh, we dominated those Carnies for four quarters. All phases of the game, Frebs. Also, before I forget, Coach Nix told me to tell that Oracle bitch to go drink some bleach. "Big things for Charles Scott?" Yeah, Tony Fein gave him a big old cockpunch! Hayyyyoooooooo! Anyhow, this piece is supposed to be about what the win means, Frebs, so what can you tell me, you know, going forward?

FR: I can't tell you nothing, Coach. Go on with your bad self. In all sincerity, it means a lot to us to see our players searching you out after a big play, just for a high five. It means a lot to see them smiling on the sidelines. They love you, and perhaps surprisingly and maybe a little reluctantly, we do too, Coach. You are bat-shit crazy but we couldn't care less. Congratulations on a huge win, and keep 'em headed in the right direction. Forward.

Also, just a little FYI, it's Frebs' Sharkweek 2K8, Coach. Steer clear of the deep end.