An Open Letter to Ole Miss

"It's just YOU and ME! Ha Ha!"

Dear Rebels, Collectively,

Listen, I don't know if you guys know this, but we didn't just forget about you, OK? We're not stupid. We don't have alzheimers. Nothing has been forgiven.

So you can stop climbing up on the crows nest and flipping us off already. We're trying to cut you some slack, but you keep taunting us.

So listen, pricks, do you know how a prison guard operates? He doesn't want to seriously injure anyone, but he's forced to demonstrate his authority on occasion. So he billy clubs a little guy in the ribs in the lunch room. Or he domes a stray gang banger with his flashlight. Nothing serious. No emergency room. Just a little love tap. Did you guys like Oz? We did. Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoo...

I just wanted to say hey to you guys, give you a little taste, and to let you know that if we wanted to, we could seriously fuck you up.

All best,

Ralpheus

Eminent Treasurer

The Sports Gods, LLC

Jamar Hornsby and You, Friend

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart / I've got this
thing that I consider my only art (of fucking people over)."

Modest Mouse, 3rd Planet

Oh boy. You guys heard about this. We know you did because we read the boards and the blogs and the papers and we saw that everybody got their digs in on Jamar Hornsby after he got arrested in Starkville recently for suspected involvement in a brawl and petit larceny.

We wanna start by saying that we were against signing this guy in the first place. That thing he did back in Florida with the credit card and the dead friend and whatnot still kinda stinks. And we thought it was buttarded that Ole Miss people wanted to believe that the credit card thing was just a misunderstanding back then, and we hope they feel silly now.

And we want you to know that we aren't above having a laugh at others' expense, either. We laughed just as out-loudily as anybody when the Hogvillians melted down after Ryan Mallett got his Public Intox. We even tested out our internet skillz to mixed results - that we never thought we'd show you.

'Cause of the self-righteous sneer, right? Get it?

But let's get one thing straight, gang: Jamar Hornsby's situation is flat out sad. Here is a human being who just pissed away one of the brightest futures anybody on the planet could hope to have because someone rear ended his car. I'm Ok with everyone getting their laughs in, because this guy really deserves it. He fucked up royally, and assaulted another human in the process. So laugh away, but understand that this kid's once promising future is forever tainted.

Let's not beat around the bush: Jamar Hornsby does not need to be on the Ole Miss football team next year. He was extended a second chance at wealth and prominence and influence, which is two more than most get, and he got in his own way, and now we don't owe him anything. I don't care how good he is. He should not be on our team next year.

But to those of you who are rooting for the DA here, who are hoping he rots away in a Florida penitentiary somewhere (which is highly likely), please understand that Hornsby obviously has a schewed sense of right and wrong. We're talking about a kid who sold all of his family and friend tickets to strangers at marked up prices while at Florida, a clear violation of NCAA rules for which Florida was penalized. But what does that say that he had no one in his life who gave a damn enough to come watch him play football in front of 90,000 fans for the eventual National Champion? Our mothers were there for every second of winter league 1A Parochial High School soccer, standing often in the freezing rain to watch a 0-0 tie in a sport they knew little to nothing about. Christ, we have a sister who erupts in applause every time her newborn makes a poopy.

And the use of a dead friend's credit card, no matter the details, shows a blatant irreverence for life and disconnect from what it is to be a human. This latest transgression in a parking lot in Starkville is only further proof that Hornsby has some serious issues. And the sad part is that if he doesn't know right from wrong by now, he likely never will. What's even more depressing is that probably doesn't even bother him.

So get your giggles in at the Fulmer Cup and all that, gang, but don't fool yourself into believing that this is just some evil asshole who deserves the worst. Evil's a mighty heavy adjective, and it's also rarely accurate. And if you think that you weren't born to trouble as the sparks fly up; Weren't saved by fortune and circumstance and grace, well then, you're just as delusional as Hornsby, brother.

DK: And a Good Day to You Too, Sir?

I could think of a thousand reasons for me to leave you...

Well, believe it or not gang, Gregory "DK" Hardy is having trouble making his mind up. I know, I know. It's hard to digest. The same guy who sometimes tries, sometimes wants to embroider towellettes, sometimes forgets his shoes and sometimes knocks the dog-shit out of opposing quarterbacks is being a little indecisive.

My feeling, for what its worth (nothing), is that I'm totally cool with his decision if he decides to opt for the NFL. As much as I try to act like I think Greg Hardy is a Budweiser Leon type of guy, the truth is that I sincerely think the guy has issues. There's a difference between being self-centered and being just a little off your rocker. Anything I've read about Hardy, which admittedly is not much, suggests that the guy has deeper problems than simply not giving a damn about anything but himself.

Without going too deep into things I have only heard about his situation, I think that going to the NFL and getting out from under the influence of others who currently hold sway over him could be the absolute best thing for Greg. And if that were to happen, he could blossom into the every-down beast that he has shown flashes of being throughout his time at Ole Miss.

Vague hearsay aside, I don't think Hardy goes. Not because of some loyalty to Ole Miss or faith in the success of our 2009 season. Not because of Nutt's snake-oil salesmanship at their meeting tomorrow, either. Hardy's too off-kilter to be receptive to rah-rah stuff. No, he'll stay because in order to really cash in on this draft, he'll have to dominate in the NFL combine.

NFL scouts know full well about Hardy's behavior issues. True, the guy's never run afoul of the law or anything like that. But turning pro requires twice the dedication and provides about one fifth of the supervision / coddling. So scouts will be hesitant on him, unless he puts up a combine performance that labels him as a 'can't miss' guy. And we all know that Hardy is more than capable of turning that type of performance in. The guy's a physical freak.

The problem is he'll have to be healthy to do that. And word is that he'll need another surgery on the same ankle. This one could sideline him for as long as four months. That's long enough to miss the combine. So surgery = no combine = mid-to-late-second round pick = Hardy stays.

Of course, I'm going out on a limb to get to another limb to reach the final limb I'm out on here. But that's just how I see this thing playing out. We'll obviously have more on this situation as it develops. If he's going to declare, he's got to do it by Thursday. Stay tuned.

Tracy Rocker: And a Good Day to You, Sir

Defensive Line coach Tracy Rocker goes to Auburn. *Yaaaaaaawwwn* OK sorry. Lets talk about it.

1.) We wish him the best, and can't really blame him. He's going to his alma mater. He has family who live close to Auburn. He got offered 350,0 Wait! What?

2.) He got offered $350,000. From Auburn. To coach their defensive linemen. 2a.) Now we really can't blame him, but 2b.) what in the hell is Auburn doing? Bringing in and overpaying a bunch of exciting but largely unproven assistants does not mask the fact that the guy calling the shots really isn't that good at coaching football. Make no mistake: We would LOVE to be able to pay a position coach $350K. But if we could do that, we probably would splurge a little more on the head guy. Just sayin'.

3.) Last point: we are not losing sleep over this. Rocker's unit was dominant this year. No denying that. But it helps when you've got an All-American senior leading the group. It's not like Jerry was horrible before Rocker got here, either. The kid has been unblockable since early in the 2007 season. I remember listening to the '07 Georgia game on the radio and noticing how many times they called his name. Other people just didn't take notice because we were a terrible team with a losing record. Also, there was an even more dominant player on that defense, remember?

Greg Hardy, for the record, was much better under the Ogre than he was under Rocker. Obviously, you have to factor in injuries and other *ahem* issues. I only bring this up because unwitting Tiger fans will likely attribute Ole Miss's D-line dominance under Rocker to Hardy, because they've heard his name a few times before.

True, Lockett came into his own under Rocker. But Lockett was just a freshman in '07, and couldn't have been expected to contribute at such an early age. If someone wants to argue that Lockett's success is due to Rocker, we could counter that Powe's underwhelming season (at least relative to his initial potential) can also be attributed to Rocker. It'd be a disingenuous argument, but the point is we never do know. We'll see how Lockett develops next year under a different coach. Our guess is that he's even better.

The biggest effect this coaching change will have is this: will it influence Hardy's decision to leave or to stay. We certainly hope he stays. We'll know soon enough.

The second biggest effect, legitimately, is that it gives us a chance to post this ridiculous video that we like to call "The Truth visits the Carnie Folk." Enjoy.