Jamar Hornsby and You, Friend

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart / I've got this
thing that I consider my only art (of fucking people over)."

Modest Mouse, 3rd Planet

Oh boy. You guys heard about this. We know you did because we read the boards and the blogs and the papers and we saw that everybody got their digs in on Jamar Hornsby after he got arrested in Starkville recently for suspected involvement in a brawl and petit larceny.

We wanna start by saying that we were against signing this guy in the first place. That thing he did back in Florida with the credit card and the dead friend and whatnot still kinda stinks. And we thought it was buttarded that Ole Miss people wanted to believe that the credit card thing was just a misunderstanding back then, and we hope they feel silly now.

And we want you to know that we aren't above having a laugh at others' expense, either. We laughed just as out-loudily as anybody when the Hogvillians melted down after Ryan Mallett got his Public Intox. We even tested out our internet skillz to mixed results - that we never thought we'd show you.

'Cause of the self-righteous sneer, right? Get it?

But let's get one thing straight, gang: Jamar Hornsby's situation is flat out sad. Here is a human being who just pissed away one of the brightest futures anybody on the planet could hope to have because someone rear ended his car. I'm Ok with everyone getting their laughs in, because this guy really deserves it. He fucked up royally, and assaulted another human in the process. So laugh away, but understand that this kid's once promising future is forever tainted.

Let's not beat around the bush: Jamar Hornsby does not need to be on the Ole Miss football team next year. He was extended a second chance at wealth and prominence and influence, which is two more than most get, and he got in his own way, and now we don't owe him anything. I don't care how good he is. He should not be on our team next year.

But to those of you who are rooting for the DA here, who are hoping he rots away in a Florida penitentiary somewhere (which is highly likely), please understand that Hornsby obviously has a schewed sense of right and wrong. We're talking about a kid who sold all of his family and friend tickets to strangers at marked up prices while at Florida, a clear violation of NCAA rules for which Florida was penalized. But what does that say that he had no one in his life who gave a damn enough to come watch him play football in front of 90,000 fans for the eventual National Champion? Our mothers were there for every second of winter league 1A Parochial High School soccer, standing often in the freezing rain to watch a 0-0 tie in a sport they knew little to nothing about. Christ, we have a sister who erupts in applause every time her newborn makes a poopy.

And the use of a dead friend's credit card, no matter the details, shows a blatant irreverence for life and disconnect from what it is to be a human. This latest transgression in a parking lot in Starkville is only further proof that Hornsby has some serious issues. And the sad part is that if he doesn't know right from wrong by now, he likely never will. What's even more depressing is that probably doesn't even bother him.

So get your giggles in at the Fulmer Cup and all that, gang, but don't fool yourself into believing that this is just some evil asshole who deserves the worst. Evil's a mighty heavy adjective, and it's also rarely accurate. And if you think that you weren't born to trouble as the sparks fly up; Weren't saved by fortune and circumstance and grace, well then, you're just as delusional as Hornsby, brother.

The Gators and 118 Other 2009 National Champs

There is a predictable movement afoot among our lesser informed fans. "We beat Florida!" they say. "Florida won the BCS! That means WE the Nashnal Champeens, kinda! Right?! Damn Right!"

There are bumper stickers and t-shirts that have something to the effect of "Ole Miss 31 - National Champs 30" written on them. It's pretty stupid. Most people understand that. If I had more time at work today I'd elaborate, but I don't, and Ghost over at the Red Solo Cup already made a pretty fine attempt at stomping this idiocy out.

Anyhow, the reason I bring this back up is because I came across an interesting little internet football calculator today*. Want to take the wind out of the sails of the "sorta National Champions" movement? Tell them that by their reasoning, the University of Alabama-Birmingham is also a BCS champ. Way to Go Blazers!
*Hat tip to Deadspin via College Football Transitive Property.

My Body, My Soul, My Team: They're Not for Sale.

Honey dont walk out Im too drunk to follow /You know you wont feel this way
tomorrow
Well, maybe Im a little rough around the edges / Inside a little
hollow
I get faced with some things sometimes that are so hard to swallow
Hey hey hey I was born a rebel
--- Tom Petty, Rebels

You've all heard about this already. The thing about the Michigan fan who is so upset with his team that after a few losing seasons :gasp!: he decided to sell his loyalty on eBay. You know about it. So I'm not gonna run down the whole process of how he came to be a "fan" of our beloved "Mississippi" Rebels.

So you've already heard about it, and you've heard everyone else's opinion about it, and everyone else's opinion is exactly the same as mine. But I can't let this go. Tellingly anononymous and confused Michigan fan, you've tossed the proverbial softball into our little corner of the blogosphere. So here goes.

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that I am far from your prototypical apologist Ole Miss fan. I have torn down a goal post. I've been there when we've won games in Death Valley. I've cooked out and hosted frieds at two Super Regionals. We went to the Sweet Sixteen while I was in school. I can say, without hesitation, that Ole Miss athletics have provided some of the most thrilling, heart warming, unabashedly joyous moments of my life. I'd also like to point out - to all the Michigan fans taking this opportunity to say things like "OLE' MISS?!??! He gave us up for OLE' MISS??? LOLZZZZ!1!!!1!!!!1!!111 :(" - we've won just as many bowl games as you have. Sugars, Cottons, etcetera. We've won National Championships. People have disputed our Championships, but if you're going to discredit them, you're going to discredit the whole system. But that's a topic for another day.

I'm not here to talk about our wins, though. I'm here to talk about our losses, and more specifically, the style in which we lose. Because anonymous Michigan fan - we'll call you Timmy Timmerson - you mentioned how much it "hurt" to be a Wolverines fan. Umk Tim. Let's talk about "hurt".

Bryce, this is Tim Timmerson. Tim, Bryce Drew. Now Timmy, in this picture here, ol' Bryce isn't just hitting a miraculous last second shot for one of the most improbable upsets in NCAA Tournament history. He isn't just knocking out the No. 3 seed in the first round. He isn't just posturing for all the cameras, the ones that will replay this moment during every video montage intro to the Big Dance for the next couple of decades (and counting). No, Tim. What he's doing here is launching a frozen sledgehammer at your soul's crotch. What's that? You didn't think souls had crotches? They do. And everytime you see this image, or catch one of those montages, or ESPN comes up with some contrived corporately sponsored thing like "Vote online for Mitsubishi's Shot of the Century" during March, and they replay this God awful thing, Tim, your soul's balls get crushed with a frozen sledgehammer tossed from about 40 feet away. Welcome aboard, buddy!

And that's not the worst of it, friend. There's another play that the media just loves to make guys like me and you live through everytime something even remotely related happens. When Ivan Maisel or some other hack gets bored and comes up with some arbitrary list of "The Top 10 Plays that Shook the Earth" - trust me on this one, Timmy - he's going to reference Billy Cannon's punt return against Ole Miss in 1959. Nevermind that Ole Miss beat Cannon's LSU team later that season in the Sugar Bowl. They want to talk about this punt return. But its not even a punt return, Tim. Billy's not carrying the pig skin in that picture. He's not heading for the endzone. That photo is of Billy galloping through your new "Rebel aorta", evading white blood cells on his way to the center of your heart. And that's a football shaped dirty bomb. And Cannon's just a jihadist, just killing you a little bit on the inside everytime some producer at CBS needs some filler during a long timeout. Praise be to Allah, Tim! We're glad you're here.

Of course, there are your run-of-the-mill spirit murdering losses that are simply too numerous to list. But since you're a new Reb, you're going to be expected to do a little homework, buddy. Go ahead and Google "Doyle Jackson" for me. Then give me a 10 page report on whether its legal to throw a flag on a replay (Hint: Your thesis should include the phrases "trick question" and "We Are...Ole Miss"). Google "Jamarcus Russel" + Overtime + "scoop and score" - in no particular order. Give me a synopsis on when the phrase "fumbled on the one" stopped being a figure of speech for choking away an opportunity in your personal life and started being a very real, new way to shatter your hopes for a season.

I'll even give you a Cliff's Notes type of assignment. Just run and go look at the final scores of our losses from the past five years. Run and look that up real quick. Tell me when you see a pattern developing here, Timothy. I'll give you the answer for the last three years only, because quite frankly I haven't had my prozac yet and this little exercise in depression here is beginning to take its toll. Eleven. Eleven games over the past three years that we've lost by one possession or less. Tell me, Tim: Do you think it "hurts" more to a.) be just good enough and hard headed enough to consistently believe you're going to upset the best teams in the best conference in the nation, only to have those teams snatch away victory in the last minute of the game 4 times a year or b.) to have two losing seasons in Ann Arbor, one of which being under a first year head coach who is trying to implement an offensive system that requires the type of athlete who currently is not enrolled at the University of Michigan? Are you getting the picture, Tim?

I know this thing on eBay was fun for you, man. I know you donated the $300 you raised to a good charity. This whole thing was a prat fall you took for the amusement of your family and friends, else why would you not show your face on your video, right? But you did burn a good bit of Michigan paraphernalia. And that gives just enough viability to the idea that you are actually considering pulling for the University of Mississippi because, amazingly, you think it will "hurt" less. Nah, Tim. You don't know a damn thing about pain. At risk of sounding repetitive, pain and defeat are part and parcel of being a Rebel, man. A Rebel is, inherently, intimate with defeat. And a Rebel, inherently and stubbornly, believes that defeat is part of his past but not his future. He is forever arriving and yet he never arrives. Its a paradox, Timmy, one that you will never understand, and one that leaves us all in a very palpable world of hurt. And while there's plenty of room on the bandwagon, we do not have a spot for a turncoat who burns his gear after a couple of bad seasons.

Do yourself a favor, Tim. Protect your identity. Buy a new, like, Chad Henne jersey, or something. And on opening day next season, when everyone is undefeated and there is hope to be had again, wade anonymously into what I can only imagine is an asphalt-bound Michigan tailgating scene and just pretend this whole thing never happened. We'll all be glad to forget this entire production.